Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Blame ET for condos

Dear editor,

Following the Paroder’s latest report on the 8 Lame Jane townhomes (“Condo Quandary,” Jan. 17), I wanted to provide an update about my investigation into this matter. While it is true that my firm pulled me from the formal investigation, that has not stopped me from making my own inquiries.

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Buster DeGost said being fired by the Ghostbusters bummed him out at first, but it freed him up to make the greatest discovery of his career. Photo credit

After months of study, it is no longer my opinion that the symbol discovered in the basement of the townhomes is of demonic origin, nor that the units’ otherworldly architecture was created by such.

I do, however, still believe that the impossible dimensions of the townhomes are tied to other strange incidents in your town, including a pothole swallowing a child and a space-time rift that was interfering with the length of public meetings. The appearance of an alien “Santa” on Christmas Eve only serves to bolster my theory: that all these bizarre happenings can be traced back to extraterrestrial activity.

It is too early for me to go into further detail, but I urge the people of Fauxhasset to work with me to unravel this mystery. This is not just about a condominium development potentially eating future homeowners. What’s happening at 8 Lame Jane will affect everyone. If you see something, say something, and be sure to @ me on Twitter @japandamanda.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. Sincerely,

Buster DeGost, private investigator, former Ghostbuster

P.S. Do not concern yourself about getting revenge on my former employer. Proving I’m right will be vengeance enough. Plus, getting fired meant I didn’t have to attend that stupid Christmas party, so I really should be thanking you!

Fauxhasset Paroder, 5th Edition: Lame Jane’s condos push the envelope

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

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This house in Virginia attained sentience and ate the family living inside. Officials fear a similar fate could be in store for residents of Lame Jane’s condos. Photo credit

The luxury condos under construction at 8 Lame Jane’s are turning out a bit more luxurious than anyone expected, including the developer. How much more luxurious? Thousands of square feet more per unit, according to an open house flyer that advertised the units at 10,000 square feet apiece.

“We followed the plans,” swears developer J.J. Henry. “I don’t know what happened. We started with a plan for a two-bed, two-bath condo and wound up with five stories, nine bathrooms, a dozen bedrooms, and an entire floor dedicated to a full-size swimming pool in each unit.”

The special permit issued to the original developer, who abandoned the project and sold the property to Henry for undisclosed reasons in 2012, clearly stated that only 1,600 square feet of living space were to be developed. The basement and attic were to remain unfinished, per the zoning bylaw.

Henry clarified that no one had touched the basement or attic. The extra footage was distributed throughout the rest of the unit, he said.

“We just kept finding more rooms,” Henry said, “and so we just kept painting ‘em.”

On the bright side, said Henry, “It still looks the same on the outside – the footprint hasn’t changed. Only the interior has expanded.”

To the Planning Board, that wasn’t a bright side at all.

“I heard about that happening to a house in Virginia,” said Planning Board Chairman Blark Axelford – you know, that guy who rides his skateboard to every meeting.

“At first it was just this cute little mystery – ‘the inside of the house is bigger than the outside, how interesting,’” said Axelford. “But then the house attained sentience and ate the family. I think that’s a real concern here.”

Town Manager Mown Tanager agreed. He has already put in a request for a special consultant with the highest qualifications to take a look at the condos.

“There’s something strange in that neighborhood,” said Tanager. “Who else was I gonna call?”

The Planning Board unanimously voted to issue a “cease and desist” order until the mystery could be solved.


 

This is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.