Fauxhasset Paroder, 48th Edition: Space Center Fundraiser Skyrockets to Success

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Futuristical Society is over the moon about the $40 million it just raised to convert the historic Peachhood Church into a space center. The society held a silent auction on June 9 with the goal of raising a modest $400,000 – barely enough to buy the church, let alone convert it.

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The world may never know. Photo credit

But when Ord Girdlehyde, owner of Pacifica, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and Ye Olde Pepper Mill, got into a bidding war with Ben Bentley, the richest man in town, over whose name the future space center would bear, the numbers just kept getting higher.

Bentley ultimately won. He is, after all, worth over $1 billion, while Girdlehyde spent all his money buying the harbor estate that includes his hotel and two restaurants. Ben Bentley could forget $40 million in his back pocket and run it through the wash accidentally.

The space center will be called the “Benjamin Buckminster Bentley III Center for Space Observation and Exploration.”

A young couple that just moved to town won the space center wedding package. Orion Vanta and Monica Moniker will be the first couple married in the space center when it is completed – which could still be a few years, even though the Futuristical Society now has all the funding it needs to do the job.

The couple wasn’t in a hurry.

“This gives us plenty of time to plan,” said Moniker. “We can have planet centerpieces and little LED place cards at every setting…”

The interview ended as Moniker got lost in a Pinterest board. Vanta was too spaced out to comment.

Dooey Lembas, a second-grader at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes, won a starter telescope but did not take the prize home with her.

Lembas told the Paroder that she had been trying to win the asteroid belt cruise, but the auctioneer had removed her entries because she was under 18. The telescope had been his idea of a consolation prize.

“Stinking useless!” Lembas said. “I wanted the cruise so I could go look for my brother in space. What good is a telescope? Even if I see him, I won’t be able to bring him back with a stupid telescope!”

Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome, was eaten by a pothole last November, and Lembas has been on a crusade to find and/or avenge him ever since.

The luxury cruise around the asteroid belt went to Zohn Donne, former owner and would-be developer of Fame Island. Having failed to build his organic, fame-themed amusement park in Fauxhasset, Donne said the cruise would be an opportunity for him and his family to assess other possible sites for the park.

Town Glutton Nom Chompsky adopted Lembas’s rejected telescope, determined that the instrument would show him whether the moon was, indeed, made of cheese, as Mooncheddar Coffee has led him to believe.

Assembly of Chosen Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk went home with a tiny glass vial on a chain, which contained a chip of ledge from “the other Fauxhasset” located in an adjacent reality.

Finally, your reporter somehow won a trip back in time to witness her own birth. Seriously, she doesn’t know how that happened. Her salary is [redacted]. She had $2.07 in her pocket and wrote it on the auction card on a whim.

Turns out that the idea of watching one’s own birth was too weird for anyone else to even bother. So, perhaps the time has finally come for Thamanda Crompson to find out where she came from. Because as far as she can tell, her life began in medias res sometime late last October.

Wish me luck, Fauxhasset.

 

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 46th Edition: Say hi to your mom

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Futuristical Society has announced their capital campaign to purchase the historic Peachhood Congregational Church, which shuttered when Christianity went out of business in the latter 1990s.

Delorean going back to the future

Travel back in time to witness your own birth! This and other great prizes will be up for auction at the Futuristical Society’s June 9 fundraiser. Photo credit

The society plans to convert the fellowship hall and sanctuary into computer workstations and the bell tower into a space observatory with a high-power telescope. Beneath the steeple, there will be room for future construction of a space shuttle.

“This church has always been ahead of its time,” said Futuristical Society Director Zed Harbinger. “It was founded, funded, constructed, and entirely run by women in a time when women in church leadership was unheard-of. We believe the next step for this visionary venue should be just as bold.”

“But we don’t want to offend anyone who still thinks religion is the answer,” Harbinger added. “And we know people care a lot about this church. Maybe they grew up in it or got married there. That’s why we’re keeping this place’s eyes on the heavens by retrofitting it as a space observatory.”

Harbinger said that the former church will still conduct wedding ceremonies if any scientifically-minded couples wish to tie the knot in the shadow of the shuttle.

The society’s first fundraiser will be a silent auction on June 9. Up for grabs will be a starter telescope, an exotic week-long cruise stopping at various points throughout the asteroid belt, a star named after you, the future space center named after you, and a trip back in time to witness your own birth.

For more information, simply close your eyes and wish; the Futuristical Society can read your mind.