Fauxhasset Paroder, 21st Edition: Please don’t feed the wildlife

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

This should go without saying, but with the coyote population on the rise and police reports about the wily creatures following suit, it bears repeating: people of Fauxhasset, do not feed the coyotes. Seriously, whoever is doing it, stop.

Now, we all know coyotes aren’t as bad as everyone thinks. There have only been five reported cases of coyotes biting humans in Fauxachusetts — ever — and only two known fatal attacks in North America in the history of our country. But that doesn’t mean coyotes make good pets. These aren’t stray cats; they’re wild animals.

How wild? Well, one coyote clan got a little too comfortable in a neighborhood off Whelming Street down by the harbor and threw a rager Saturday night. They booked a DJ, loaded up on wolfsbane (an herb that acts as a narcotic among canines and has strong anthropomorphic effects), and partied into the wee hours of the morning, howling all the while.

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DJ Huzkiii dropped some sick beats over Whelming Street this weekend. And by “sick,” we mean neighbors were really sick of it. Photo credit

Neighbors said it was definitively “wild,” and many felt threatened by the howling, which they took for a sign of aggression. Coyotes on the scene said they were just letting off a little steam after another long week of the grind. They said they didn’t mean to frighten anyone and had no intent of attacking.

It took K-9 units from six towns to quell the disturbance. The crowd finally dispersed a little after 3:00 a.m. Three coyotes were taken into protective custody for refusing to cooperate with authorities. Protective custody is a tool police can use to handle intoxicated individuals and is not an arrest.

Mad Elephant Hotel owner Ord Girdlehyde offered free lodging to those who had traveled and had no transportation home and no place to stay. (The MFTA commuter rail, of course, doesn’t run this far into the suburbs, or that late at night.)

“I just want to get them off the street and give them someplace safe to go so that everybody can get some sleep,” Girdlehyde told police at the time of the incident – by phone, of course, as he had already departed for his winter home in the African savannah. He had learned about the commotion after one of the coyotes livestreamed portions of the party on Facebook.

“If giving the coyotes free lodging is what it takes to solve the problem, then okay, give them free lodging,” he said.

Cranky, sleep-deprived neighbors weren’t so sure of Girdlehyde’s motives.

“He put them up to it,” insisted one abutter. “It’s not ‘solving the problem’ if you created the problem in the first place. I’ll bet Ord booked the DJ himself! And who do you think has been feeding all these coyotes so they keep coming back? Ord doesn’t care about Fauxhasset. He doesn’t even live here.”

Despite Girdlehyde’s unpopularity with certain residents, police were confident that no man could have acted alone to create the “coyote crisis” gripping the town.

“It’s been a slow build,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “Every town in Fauxachusetts was seeing the same thing. We didn’t think much of it when the calls started rolling in this fall, because everyone was having the same problem. Now we see that people weren’t just crying wolf.”

In addition to refraining from feeding coyotes, residents are urged to keep an eye on pets, especially when letting them out at night. If you see a coyote, police recommend “hazing” it by making a loud noise or throwing an object to startle it away.

Flash grenades are available from the Panic Brigade for interested residents, while supplies last.

This story is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner, with more tips on how to coexist peacefully with coyotes.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 17th Edition: a Tale of Two Santas 

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Night video shot on iPhone 7 by Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, part-time Jedi. Photo credit

’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Town, many creatures were stirring of little renown. But we won’t talk about them. Meanwhile, in the bright, twinkling lights of the harbor, many creatures were also stirring, many of them of great renown.

There was Town Manager Mown Tanager, Police Chief Stephen Quill, Deacon Mooney of the last remaining Christian Church in Fauxhasset, Ben Bentley (the richest man in town), Stuart Semple (inventor of the world’s glitteriest glitter), and Ord Girdlehyde, owner of Ye Olde Pepper Mill, Pacifica, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor – he’s kind of a big deal.

Governor Barley Chaker and Mayor of Fauxston Warty Malsh also made appearances.

The event was so popular that there was no parking to be found, even in the most distant corners of the satellite lot (which, contrary to popular belief, is normally reserved for employees, not for visiting spacecraft).

A light mist was falling, but with the help of the congress of ghosts under the Town’s employ since Halloween, it was readily turned into a very localized snow flurry.

The Steer Mill School band performed a Christmas medley, and considering that no one ever taught them how to play those clarinets and violins, they did a darn good job.

The divided lower elementary school also performed, but since the girls and boys couldn’t agree on which carols to sing, no one was sure when to join in, when to applaud, or even when the concert was over. We’re pretty sure most of the girls were just singing “Let it Go” from Frozen over and over.

The middle-high school is, of course, still in lockdown, awaiting a response from President-Elect Tom Brady. This holiday season, let us all be thankful for the organic, perpetual growth garden in the high school courtyard, without which most of our children would probably be dead by now.

After the student performances, it was time for Santa to arrive and lead the traditional Christmas Eve parade through the village. Suddenly the harbor waters were a-twinkle with hundreds of little white lights, fixed to the tips of dozens of reinduck antlers.

The reinducks were genetically engineered just this week by the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) using DNA from one of the hundred-antlered deer that have been terrorizing motorists throughout Fauxhasset this month. A very fine job, MR. LAW.

Soon Santa would arrive on his duck boat, which the Town rented from the City of Fauxston after the forefathers told Town officials earlier this week that Santa should not arrive by land or by sea this year, but by land and sea.

“The forefathers have never steered us wrong,” Mevin Kirk, Chair-Chosen of the Assembly of Chosen, previously told the Paroder. “We asked them to knock once if Santa should arrive by land, and twice if by sea. They knocked three times, so I think the answer is pretty clear: it’s both.”

Yet as the duck boat came into view, something else began to happen: a bright white light appeared in the sky, directly over the harbor, and hovered there, glinting off the waves with blinding brightness.

“Santa’s coming on a sleigh after all!” guessed the children.

“It’s the Star of Bethlehem!” guessed Mooney.

“The Sith have found me!” shouted Devan Branch, Radiation State Park Rookie Ranger and part-time Jedi.

They were all wrong. It was a flying saucer, and as the townsfolk watched, it smoothly parked itself in the middle of the harbor, right alongside Santa’s duck boat. The man in red climbed to the upper level of the duck boat for a better view. A hatch in the saucer slid neatly open, and out stepped…

Another man in red.

His outfit matched Santa’s perfectly. So did his height and stature. Our photographer zoomed in and confirmed that the men were, in fact, identical.

The man from the saucer gave a jolly wave and said, with an accent no one could place, “Sorry, folks – the satellite lot was full!”

Officials tried to get to the bottom of things. “We already have a Santa,” blustered the Town Manager. “You must be in the wrong harbor.”

“This is Fauxhasset,” said the stranger with the accent. “The most perfect place in the universe. I have made no error. I have come to live here, with you, in this most perfect locale. I am… how you say?… ϨΔиϮα.”

“No, I’m Santa!” objected the Santa on the duck boat (whom locals know is actually Bob Diggins – but don’t tell the children). “Look, I’ve got the bag of presents and the reind— uh, the reinducks.”

Police then stepped in to settle the dispute. ϨΔиϮα was asked to relocate his spacecraft to a lot behind the police station until a more permanent parking solution could be found.

Meanwhile, Diggins rode his duck boat into town and led the largest (and most uneasy) Christmas Eve parade the town has ever seen.

“I see, I see,” Kirk was heard muttering as he brought up the rear of the parade. “Three knocks didn’t mean ‘by land and sea.’ It mean ‘by air.’”

Who is this strange ϨΔиϮα, readers, and what business does he have impersonating our Bob Diggins and interrupting our Christmas Eve parade? Your local reporter is on the case. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 16th Edition: Oh deer, deer, deer

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Car accidents involving deer are piling up. There were another dozen crashes this week, including two that involved a soccer mom whose Range Rover was totaled by a deer earlier this month.

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Officials say the beast has been slain. Unofficials not so sure; advise “stay woke.” Photo credit

“I’ll say the same thing I said the last two times,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh, standing away from a seven-car pile-up that included her brand-new Tesla. “That thing was not a deer.”

Marsh shook her head and added, “Fauxhasset’s supposed to be such a great place to raise your kids, but my sons are terrified, and my husband and I don’t want them outside with some… some monster on the loose. I can’t believe those idiots at Town Hall haven’t done something about this.”

As a matter of fact, those idiots at Town Hall had done something about it, or at least they’d tried.

“We’re doing everything we possibly can,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager at the scene of the accident. “For such a large creature, these deer are incredibly hard to track. We don’t even know how many of them there are – is it the same animal causing accidents over and over, or are there hundreds of them out in the woods somewhere? We just don’t know.”

“And by the way, we don’t know for sure that they aren’t just ordinary deer,” Tanager added. “I’m inclined to say that they are, but the witness reports are uncannily consistent across the board, and we can’t just ignore that.”

Before the accident, the Local and Regional Animal Whisperers (LAW and RAW) had been tracking the creature for most of the day, assisted by Radiation State Park Senior Ranger Roc Rubble with his flask of whiskey and Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, part-time Jedi, with his light saber.

They arrived on the scene shortly after the accident and pursued the creature into the woods. As tow trucks were hauling away the last of the wreckage, the LAW returned with Branch’s light saber in one hand and a crown of antlers in the other.

“The beast is slain,” he announced. He brought the antlers back to the police station as evidence and for possible use in the creation of reinducks for pulling Santa’s duck boat on Saturday.

The others didn’t come out of the woods for several more minutes, and police almost sent a search team after them, but at last they emerged.

The RAW immediately got into his Hum-vee and drove into the forest to collect the carcass. Rubble declined to comment and instead tried to drain his flask, which was already empty. Branch cast about for his light saber, a circuit which brought him close to the Paroder reporting team.

“Don’t listen to Tanager and LAW,” Branch muttered. “Whatever that thing is, it’s not a deer, and it’s not dead.”

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.