Fauxhasset Paroder, 31st Edition: #Charybdisgate

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

BREAKING: Dredging contractors have inadvertently opened up a black hole in the harbor.

“The job was complete by the Jan. 31 deadline,” said Harbormaster Laurel Hook. “They just liked dredging and kept going. They weren’t charging any extra, so we let them.”

fwx-lumabite-sushi

Get your glowing sushi at Ye Olde Pepper Mill for $500 a roll ($800 for the rarer, red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety). Photo credit

A massive whirlpool has now formed and the black hole is sucking down seawater at about 10,000 gallons per minute. Abutters are calling it #Charybdisgate and fleeing to higher ground. But officials aren’t overly concerned, as long as the moorings hold.

“If you think about it, this really is a good thing,” Town Manager Mown Tanager shouted over the whirlpool’s roar. “Sea level has been on the rise for decades. Draining a substantial portion of the ocean will protect our delicate coastal community for years to come.”

“Of course,” shouted Tanager, “it’ll be another story if we start losing yachts.”

Meanwhile, harbor restaurants Pacifica and Ye Olde Pepper Mill are making the most of the snafu, offering dinner specials with an up-close view of the chaos. The rush of water has carried with it an influx of unusual seafood options, including a large quantity of deep-sea lantern fish. Luminescent sushi is going for $500 a roll, and the red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety for $800 a roll.

“Yes, it is expensive,” owner Ord Girdlehyde said by phone from his winter home in the African savannah. “But it is a very unique experience. Where else can you get such an up-close and intimate view of raw chaos and entropy? You are watching the world end in a much more dramatic fashion than usual. For that, I think the price is very reasonable.”

Guests on a budget are invited to partake in the “Champagne and Charybdis” special for just $250, said Girdlehyde.

The contractors could not be reached for comment, having been swallowed by the whirlpool.

 

Advertisements

Fauxhasset Paroder, 29th Edition: New restaurant food for thought

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A new restaurant opened in Fauxhasset Village this holiday weekend.

The Harpy’s Hearth promised “varmth, victuals, and a view” to Presidents Day weekend diners, with a menu full of authentic yet affordable Russian fare and a window overlooking the village streets. Uh, street. Just the one. It’s really just Main Street and a couple of glorified alleys around here.

Harpy’s Hearth opened Friday evening in the former location of Sotheby’s (above the Coldwell Banker on the glorified alley Wagon Wheel Way).

Legend has it that this address was once home to the popular restaurant Ozone, but like the rest of the village storefronts, it was converted into a real estate office in the early aughts.

albany_houses

Yes, but the row of real estate offices creates perfect rhythm and symmetry in the village. Photo credit

“I know this is an unpopular belief,” said Harpy’s Hearth owner Don Donovan, “but I think that, if we want more residents, the way to get them isn’t by adding more real estate offices; it’s by adding more stuff like this. The way to a person’s heart is through their stomach.”

“It seems to be working well for Reykjavik Recollections,” Donovan added. The popular Icelandic bakery just celebrated 25 years in business, making it the last holdout from the pre-real-estate-office era.

Officials have their doubts.

“We’re taking a risk here,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “If you want to sell real estate, you need real estate offices; people can’t just show up on the property they want with a suitcase full of cash.”

“Don’s a great guy – we all love him and want him to succeed,” Tanager added. “We just think he may have bitten off more than he can chew with this venture. His eyes are bigger than his stomach.”

Still, Tanager and the Assembly of Chosen were willing to give it a shot, provided the restaurant reserved space behind the bar for Sotheby’s agents who wished to conduct business there. The space will continue to operate as a full-service real estate office during daytime business hours, with the added bonus of a full bar to help lubricate those wallets.

“This arrangement really gives us the best of both worlds,” said Tanager. “We’re hopeful.”

Avocado manifesto

photo-jan-11-4-47-33-pm

Behold this perfect avocado. There is no logic to its existence. By all rights, it should be firm and pale, soon to turn soft brown and feed the garbage disposal.

This avocado was on sale at the Big Y on January 8, as far from avocado season as it is possible to get. All the other avocados around it were hard enough to knock a person out cold. $1 seemed too much to spend on any of them.

But this one. This one defied all reason, all circumstance, and it is perfect.

Fellow avocados, let this avocado be a reminder that we can rise above our environment. We do not have to be hard just because those around us are hard. We need not lack boldness or character just because it is not our season; a bold spirit is always in season.

We have been called “fat” before, and we understand that “fat” is a dirty word. But we are here to show those people the light. We are nutrient-dense and goddamn good for you. And if we fail, well, our skin is thick, and we know that inside we are rich of color, texture, and flavor.

My fellow avocados, we are not past our prime. Though some may think we are “going down the drain,” nothing is inevitable. Do not wait until it is “your season.” The soil and sunlight are here. Grow! Nourish! Love from the bottom of that big, dark pit you call a heart.

Never forget: you can give your heart away, and still it grows.