Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: A Tale of Two Letters to the Editor

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“Think of the parking spaces, Fauxhasset!” | Photo credit

Dear Editor,

Fauxhasset, what are we doing? It was bad enough when let that alien SANTA live here but now there are just too many of them. We tolerated him, his ways, and his spaceship largely because he kept to himself and out of the lives of normal people. Now though, we have all these aliens living here and trying to change the way we live. I for one don’t support change and I know plenty of other members of Fauxhasset will agree with me. We shouldn’t be trying to find them homes. We should be trying to SEND them home. Think of the parking spaces, Fauxhasset. Where will an honest citizen park?

Respectfully,
Larry Lembas

 

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Or maybe they’re just here to steal our pizza. | Photo credit

 
Dear Editor,

I couldn’t be happier about our newest residents and I know many of you feel the same way. The aliens bring with them a new and exciting culture which is honestly a breath of fresh air for our town. Just imagine the good they will do for our stale economy and the revenue they will bring in as we become the first hub for space tourism. Imagine the new food, Fauxhasset! Sure, I’ll admit we already have a small parking problem in town, but that’s an equally small price to pay for all the good these aliens are doing for our community.

Nom Chompsky

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 75th Edition: Waffle House Waffles On Identity

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s a new restaurant in town. Or maybe there are several new restaurants. Our sources aren’t really sure. Honestly though, it’s probably just another real estate office masquerading as several new restaurants.

What we do know is that the Redfin Eatery closed its doors this week. The sign out front was immediately replaced with a new one that says, “Waffle House” – yes, with the “Waffle” crossed out. So does that mean it’s just a regular house? If so, who is living there?

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Why settle for a Waffle House when you could have a Waffle Palace? Photo Credit

We at the Paroder knew our readers would be concerned about the fate of this property, so we spoke with several residents to get their thoughts on the new whatever-it-is. However, sources were unable to agree on what they had experienced upon walking through the former Redfin’s doors this week.

Some told us it was, indeed, a Waffle House. Others insisted they had been to McDonald’s or Chick-Fil-A. We heard about dinners at Cracker Barrel, Longhorn Steakhouse, Chili’s, and Buffalo Wild Wings.

A group of millennials told us they’d spent most of Sunday playing board games at Fauxhasset’s new brewpub, while Patriots fans said that was impossible since they had been at the sports bar most of Sunday, watching the football game on 50 high-definition TVs that took up the entire room, leaving no room for nerdy gamers.

A few residents said they had simply stopped by to take some cash out of the ATM, while one claimed to have taken out a mortgage at the new “restaurant.” And a pair of housewives showed us the manicures they’d gotten there while sipping glasses of the finest red wine – produced on site using grapes that the establishment was reportedly growing in a solar farm on the roof.

At last, fed up with the conflicting stories, reporter Thamanda Crompson and crime correspondent Sobby Raint-John went to investigate. What we actually discovered inside was again different from any of the other stories we’d heard: we were greeted with dings, blings and bloops as we entered the largest arcade either of us had ever seen.

We played video games for maybe an hour. Or maybe four hours. Or maybe a few days. It’s all kind of hazy at this point, readers. We’ll have to investigate further. With more quarters. Hopefully the Waffle House will be a bank the next time we go.

Long-time residents will fondly remember the days when this establishment used to be the O.K.O.K. Café, serving up consistently O.K. food from the dawn of time through 1999.

Since then, no eatery has lasted more than a year or two at that location. There was the House of Spartacus, The Giraffe’s Neck, Avocado’s, Lemoncini’s, the Round Ground Planetary Grille, and the Whitewater Pub, just to name a few.

Some say the property is cursed. Others attribute the failures to the difficulty of getting in and out of the parking lot. Not everyone, they say, has a car that can make that 12-foot jump across the man-eating lobster moat, and even those with the right car may lack the necessary cajones to take the risk.

Will the same fate befall the Waffle House, or does this chameleon establishment have what it takes to satisfy the myriad tastes and interests of Fauxhasset’s diverse (yet still mostly-human) population? Stay tuned…

Fauxhasset Paroder, 31st Edition: #Charybdisgate

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

BREAKING: Dredging contractors have inadvertently opened up a black hole in the harbor.

“The job was complete by the Jan. 31 deadline,” said Harbormaster Laurel Hook. “They just liked dredging and kept going. They weren’t charging any extra, so we let them.”

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Get your glowing sushi at Ye Olde Pepper Mill for $500 a roll ($800 for the rarer, red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety). Photo credit

A massive whirlpool has now formed and the black hole is sucking down seawater at about 10,000 gallons per minute. Abutters are calling it #Charybdisgate and fleeing to higher ground. But officials aren’t overly concerned, as long as the moorings hold.

“If you think about it, this really is a good thing,” Town Manager Mown Tanager shouted over the whirlpool’s roar. “Sea level has been on the rise for decades. Draining a substantial portion of the ocean will protect our delicate coastal community for years to come.”

“Of course,” shouted Tanager, “it’ll be another story if we start losing yachts.”

Meanwhile, harbor restaurants Pacifica and Ye Olde Pepper Mill are making the most of the snafu, offering dinner specials with an up-close view of the chaos. The rush of water has carried with it an influx of unusual seafood options, including a large quantity of deep-sea lantern fish. Luminescent sushi is going for $500 a roll, and the red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety for $800 a roll.

“Yes, it is expensive,” owner Ord Girdlehyde said by phone from his winter home in the African savannah. “But it is a very unique experience. Where else can you get such an up-close and intimate view of raw chaos and entropy? You are watching the world end in a much more dramatic fashion than usual. For that, I think the price is very reasonable.”

Guests on a budget are invited to partake in the “Champagne and Charybdis” special for just $250, said Girdlehyde.

The contractors could not be reached for comment, having been swallowed by the whirlpool.