Fauxhasset Paroder, 25th Edition: The Goblin King

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Contractors on the Hound Hook Dam project accidentally cracked into the goblin tunnels under the town on Wednesday, forcing officials to shut down Peachhood Street at the height of the afternoon rush hour. Drivers had to be rerouted through Proxituate, tacking 10 extra minutes onto their commute.

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Police Chief Stephen Quill grapples with a goblin. Screen grab from cruiser cam courtesy of Fauxhasset Police. Photo credit

“The timing of the incident could not have been more inconsiderate,” Town Manager Mown Tanager said in a statement. “It was incredibly burdensome to the commuters of Fauxhasset who had worked long days and just wanted to get home to their families. We have made it crystal clear to the project manager that disruptions like this will not be tolerated going forward.”

When approached for comment, the project manager could only clutch his face and gibber, surveying the carnage that had, until three hours earlier, been his worksite.

The environmental monitor simply said, “We delved too greedily and too deep.”

The Paroder finally got the scoop from a backhoe operator, Mac McMack, who had been operating the machine when it struck the tunnel and caused the collapse.

“There was, like, this wicked loud noise, right, and then the ground just f—kin dropped,” McMack described with a heavy Fauxston accent. “I jumped outta the cab and stahted running, right, only this swahm of goblins was comin’ outta the ground – there was, like, three ’undred of ’em, you wouldn’t believe it – and they f—kin took me down and dragged me undahground.”

“It was wicked dahk down there, couldn’t see a thing,” McMack continued. “I thought I was probably gonna die down there. But next thing I know, the little gray bastahds staht retreating and the police are pulling me out, askin’ if I’m all right. Well, I told ’im, yeah, I’m all right – you know, physically and all. But I’m still kinda f—ked in the head, you know? Nevah seen anything like that befoah.”

A dashboard camera from the responding police cruiser showed Police Chief Stephen Quill leaping to action. After Tasing the goblin who appeared to be leading the charge, the pacifist Chief still did not reach for a lethal weapon, but instead made due with a little debris and a lot of ingenuity.

Quill used a fallen tree branch to down some electrical wires, which he then fashioned into a whip to drive the goblins back underground. Kids, don’t try this at home. Adults, do whatever you want, but don’t come crying to the Panic Brigade when you fry the family dog and your house goes up in flames.

Though rattled, McMack rallied and used the backhoe to refill the hole, which is now being guarded by a round-the-clock police detail until officials decide what to do next.

Quill declined to comment, saying only that he wished people on Facebook would stop calling him the “Goblin King.”

“That’s a term for the head honcho within the goblin community,” said Quill. “I wouldn’t want to ruffle any feathers. Or… whatever goblins have for an epidermis. And David Bowie must be rolling over in his grave every time someone tweets that.”

Tanager concluded his statement, “We are impressed and grateful for the Police Chief’s calm and measured, yet swift and decisive, action in the face of this threat to our commuters’ convenience. He truly is the Hero of the Goblin Wars. We just wish he would’ve asked DPW to post a detour sign at the end of Peachhood Street.”

This story is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 17th Edition: a Tale of Two Santas 

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Night video shot on iPhone 7 by Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, part-time Jedi. Photo credit

’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Town, many creatures were stirring of little renown. But we won’t talk about them. Meanwhile, in the bright, twinkling lights of the harbor, many creatures were also stirring, many of them of great renown.

There was Town Manager Mown Tanager, Police Chief Stephen Quill, Deacon Mooney of the last remaining Christian Church in Fauxhasset, Ben Bentley (the richest man in town), Stuart Semple (inventor of the world’s glitteriest glitter), and Ord Girdlehyde, owner of Ye Olde Pepper Mill, Pacifica, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor – he’s kind of a big deal.

Governor Barley Chaker and Mayor of Fauxston Warty Malsh also made appearances.

The event was so popular that there was no parking to be found, even in the most distant corners of the satellite lot (which, contrary to popular belief, is normally reserved for employees, not for visiting spacecraft).

A light mist was falling, but with the help of the congress of ghosts under the Town’s employ since Halloween, it was readily turned into a very localized snow flurry.

The Steer Mill School band performed a Christmas medley, and considering that no one ever taught them how to play those clarinets and violins, they did a darn good job.

The divided lower elementary school also performed, but since the girls and boys couldn’t agree on which carols to sing, no one was sure when to join in, when to applaud, or even when the concert was over. We’re pretty sure most of the girls were just singing “Let it Go” from Frozen over and over.

The middle-high school is, of course, still in lockdown, awaiting a response from President-Elect Tom Brady. This holiday season, let us all be thankful for the organic, perpetual growth garden in the high school courtyard, without which most of our children would probably be dead by now.

After the student performances, it was time for Santa to arrive and lead the traditional Christmas Eve parade through the village. Suddenly the harbor waters were a-twinkle with hundreds of little white lights, fixed to the tips of dozens of reinduck antlers.

The reinducks were genetically engineered just this week by the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) using DNA from one of the hundred-antlered deer that have been terrorizing motorists throughout Fauxhasset this month. A very fine job, MR. LAW.

Soon Santa would arrive on his duck boat, which the Town rented from the City of Fauxston after the forefathers told Town officials earlier this week that Santa should not arrive by land or by sea this year, but by land and sea.

“The forefathers have never steered us wrong,” Mevin Kirk, Chair-Chosen of the Assembly of Chosen, previously told the Paroder. “We asked them to knock once if Santa should arrive by land, and twice if by sea. They knocked three times, so I think the answer is pretty clear: it’s both.”

Yet as the duck boat came into view, something else began to happen: a bright white light appeared in the sky, directly over the harbor, and hovered there, glinting off the waves with blinding brightness.

“Santa’s coming on a sleigh after all!” guessed the children.

“It’s the Star of Bethlehem!” guessed Mooney.

“The Sith have found me!” shouted Devan Branch, Radiation State Park Rookie Ranger and part-time Jedi.

They were all wrong. It was a flying saucer, and as the townsfolk watched, it smoothly parked itself in the middle of the harbor, right alongside Santa’s duck boat. The man in red climbed to the upper level of the duck boat for a better view. A hatch in the saucer slid neatly open, and out stepped…

Another man in red.

His outfit matched Santa’s perfectly. So did his height and stature. Our photographer zoomed in and confirmed that the men were, in fact, identical.

The man from the saucer gave a jolly wave and said, with an accent no one could place, “Sorry, folks – the satellite lot was full!”

Officials tried to get to the bottom of things. “We already have a Santa,” blustered the Town Manager. “You must be in the wrong harbor.”

“This is Fauxhasset,” said the stranger with the accent. “The most perfect place in the universe. I have made no error. I have come to live here, with you, in this most perfect locale. I am… how you say?… ϨΔиϮα.”

“No, I’m Santa!” objected the Santa on the duck boat (whom locals know is actually Bob Diggins – but don’t tell the children). “Look, I’ve got the bag of presents and the reind— uh, the reinducks.”

Police then stepped in to settle the dispute. ϨΔиϮα was asked to relocate his spacecraft to a lot behind the police station until a more permanent parking solution could be found.

Meanwhile, Diggins rode his duck boat into town and led the largest (and most uneasy) Christmas Eve parade the town has ever seen.

“I see, I see,” Kirk was heard muttering as he brought up the rear of the parade. “Three knocks didn’t mean ‘by land and sea.’ It mean ‘by air.’”

Who is this strange ϨΔиϮα, readers, and what business does he have impersonating our Bob Diggins and interrupting our Christmas Eve parade? Your local reporter is on the case. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 14th Edition: Oh, Deer!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Be careful out there, drivers! Police have responded to no less than seven incidents this week in which a driver collided with an animal in the roadway.

“Deer are very active this time of year – it’s their mating season,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “In most cases, there wasn’t much the driver could’ve done to avoid a collision. Really it was the deer that ran into the car, not the other way around.”

The victims, however, described it a little differently.

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An artist’s rendering of the beast described by witnesses. Photo credit

“The thing I hit was not a deer,” said Marissa Marsh, a soccer mom who spoke with the Paroder at the scene of one of the accidents. The four boys riding with her at the time of the incident agreed.

“It had, like, 50 antlers,” said Charlie Diggins, a third-grade student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome. “It was like it had a whole tree on its head.”

“And it didn’t ‘run into’ the car like it was some sort of accident,” added his friend, Darrel Marsh, also a third-grader at Captain America’s. “More like it challenged us. Mom slammed on the brakes and swerved, and the thing charged straight at us.”

Police assured Marsh and the boys that the animal was, in fact, just a deer, and sometimes fear can make us see things as more frightening than they really are, and perhaps they should all spend a few moments with the EMTs getting checked for signs of concussion.

The car had to be towed and was likely totaled, according to police on the scene. The deer had fled. The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) was studying its tracks on the roadside to confirm that it was, in fact, just an ordinary deer. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.