Fauxhasset Paroder, 82nd Edition: How can we miss you if you won’t leave?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Spring has truly sprung in Fauxhasset. Thanks to the impostor groundhog Fauxsutawney Fil’s gift of eternal summer, the town skipped over April showers and went straight to May flowers, with crocuses breaking through the melting snow as early as mid-February.

Soon, the daffodils and hyacinths followed; then the tulips. But now, as the tough, early flowers give way to the full palette of spring, something strange and frightening is happening: the leaves are coming in.

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Grand Corona Sunny More said the solar forests installed by GREG were working fine “until all these leaves started throwing shade.” | Photo credit

This would not be alarming, except that the town misplaced every one of its trees back in January and has yet to determine where they went. There are no trunks or branches supporting these leaves. They’re just floating up there, growing thicker and greener by the day.

GREG, the Green and Renewable Energy Group, has mixed feelings about the development. The committee split after the trees went missing, with half of its members claiming the trees were angry and urging citizens to repent, and half of them clamoring to set up solar panels across town.

The “repent” faction is in good spirits and says the trees are on the brink of forgiving us for whatever we did that angered them.

“Once they’re back, we’re going to have a very serious sit-down with them to find out what it was so we don’t do it again,” said Sam Bombadil, Great Green Thumb of the committee. “After our ceremonial watering festival, of course, which is to thank the trees for their awesome patience and benevolence.”

The “solar energy” faction is not as happy.

“We spent a lot of people’s tax dollars putting in these solar panels, and soon they’ll be useless,” said Sunny More, the committee’s Grand Corona. “It’s become very wasteful. We’re looking into options for clearing the leaves so we can continue to harvest the sun’s glorious golden energy, but so far everyone is telling us they can only remove leaves if they are attached to branches.”

Bombadil was appalled when he heard of More’s plan. “These are trees!” he protested. “They have feelings! Does she want to anger them more?”

“These aren’t trees,” More told the Paroder. “They’re just leaves, like you’d find on your lawn in the fall. Would any one of you leave piles of leaves on your lawn all winter? I didn’t think so.”

The Paroder reached out to local philosopher the Origami Swami for clarity on this issue.

“The question,” he said, “is how much of a tree is needed to constitute a tree? In other words, wherein lies the soul of the tree? Is it in the leaves? The trunk? The branches? Or are all three required?”

“If one finds a stick on the ground,” said the Origami Swami, “one does not say, ‘Ah! See here, I have found a small tree.’ And a tree is still a tree in the winter, when its leaves have fallen. So it would seem that the soul of a tree is in its trunk.”

“Therefore,” he concluded, “it would not be harmful to the tree to remove these leaves. However, as the leaves seem to be growing in the normal way of leaves, it seems clear that they are still a living thing, albeit one we do not understand. It is never wise to harm a living thing – especially one we do not understand.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 76th Edition: Make Like a Tree and – Wait, No, Come Back

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Residents awoke this morning to find the trees gone. Nowhere in town was a single tree to be found standing. Even the heap of discarded Christmas trees at the transfer center had vanished.

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Have you seen me? | Photo credit

There were no stumps to indicate that the trees had been cut down, and police said they had not received any noise complaints about buzz saws or other equipment that would have been required to fell and remove thousands of trees overnight.

A woman was found dancing and weeping beside the town common, where an iconic ash tree had spread its leaves wide for nigh 500 years.

“I’m having a shade tree hearing,” the woman explained between twirls. “That means I’m thanking it for 499 years of blissful shade in the summer heat. I would have liked to say so while it was still here, but isn’t that always the way? We never tell anyone how much we appreciate them till they’re gone.”

Residents were quick to point fingers, but none could agree on who was responsible.

Several pinned the incident on the large new alien population, reasoning that Fauxhasset’s newest residents wanted the town to look more like their barren home planet.

Others blamed hotelier Ord Girdlehyde – who, to be fair, destroyed several acres of wetland to build his latest hotel, Castle Girdlehausen, in the fall, not to mention poisoning the water table with glitter.

Girdlehyde himself pointed to developer JJ Henry, who was responsible for the luxury condos at 8 Lame Jane and many others in town, as far back as the Achey Cedars development in the 1970s. However, Henry hasn’t been seen since the Lame Jane townhomes burned to the ground in September.

Mavin Kirk, daughter of Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk and a resident of the Fenclave, told the Paroder that the Ents had at last gone in search of their lost Entwives, and we should be happy for them. “It’s very romantic,” she assured us.

X-Ray Xanadu, Spokeschild for Captain America’s School for the Awesome, said the Grinch had taken them all, but not to worry – he was rallying the superhero troops to get the trees back.

The disappearance of the trees has caused a schism in the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG). Half the members are claiming that the trees are angry with us and we must repent to bring them back. The other half is already setting up solar panels across the town.

Those idiots at Town Hall said they’re working feverishly to get to the bottom of the mystery.

“Whoever did this never came to us for a permit,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “Not that we would have approved it! I’m just saying that, in addition to greatly inconveniencing the citizens of Fauxhasset and sowing fear in the community, they also failed to adhere to the local bylaws. Therefore, we’re taking this very seriously.”

Officials urged residents to remain calm (and also to remain at home, just in case some great and inexplicable evil is afoot… or in case the trees reappear suddenly, lest anyone become trapped inside of one). But no one should panic, officials were quick to add. The situation is under control. Especially the panicking part of the situation. The Panic Brigade has that well-covered.

Still, if anyone feels inclined to repent, it’s probably not a bad idea.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 66th Edition: GOSH Darnit

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) should have booked a bigger meeting room for their Monday night meeting, the agenda of which was dedicated to a proposed development in the heart of the wetlands bordered by Mecca Mile, Atlantis Boulevard and Sand Street.

Local business owner Ord Girdlehyde plans to construct a castle on the site to supplement the rooms available at his Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) on the harbor, which Girdlehyde said is frequently too full of displaced Fauxhasset residents in need of short-term housing to accommodate any actual paying guests.

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Girdlehyde swears the castle will be “tasteful and attractive,” not “stark and military.” | Photo credit

The new establishment will be called the Girdlehausen. Abutters turned out in droves to object to the development, calling the structure an “eyesore” and an “attractive nuisance for the children.”

Neighbors are trying to act like they are upset about the potential environmental impact of the project, the flagrant disregard of local wetlands bylaws, the reputation for late-night noise at Girdlehyde’s other establishments, and of course, as ever, the dearth of parking in town.

“Our children go to bed at 6:30 p.m.,” said one woman at the GOSH meeting. “Our friends on the harbor tell us that Ord’s coyote tenants are up playing that techno music until three in the morning on a regular basis. Now he wants to bring that noise to another neighborhood? That isn’t Fauxhasset. Ord just wants to make money. He doesn’t care about us, our children, or our town. He’s not even here tonight.”

Girdlehyde responded via Skype from his fall home in the Appalachian Mountains.

“First of all, I am hurt that you say I am not here tonight,” Girdlehyde said. “I am very much here. I am speaking right now, as you can see.”

“Secondly,” Girdlehyde went on, “the coyotes are not tenants. Like the others staying at the hotel, they are simply displaced; I am doing them a favor. The hotel is not their legal address; they are simply staying with me until they can settle some issues with their permanent residence.”

“Finally,” Girdlehyde concluded, “a correction of terms. The music they are playing – it is not techno. This is not 1997. These are cutting-edge artists – visionaries! Very popular in Germany and the Arctic. They would be hurt to hear you say ‘techno.’”

Be that as it may, noise was ostensibly one of the reigning concerns among Mecca Mile area residents who attended the meeting on Monday. But we all know that their true fear is that Girdlehyde’s castle will upstage their mansions, forcing them to continue building up and out to remain the most glamorous property in the neighborhood.

Good luck with that, since Girdlehyde has partnered with painter Stuart Semple – inventor of the world’s glitteriest glitter, who has a vacation home in Fauxhasset – to develop a custom paint for the castle’s exterior. It’s likely that even Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes will be put to shame.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.