Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Black hole not so green

Dear Editor,

We are GREG (the Green and Renewable Energy Group, for the ignorant many complaining about, yet still using, the Moonchedder Easter cups).

Last week your paper ran a story about the Fauxhasset black hole: You know, that mysterious rift in space and possibly time that seems to be a perfect dumping ground and trans-galactic boutique.

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How do you know your carelessness isn’t cluttering up this majestic creature’s front lawn? Photo credit

To you residents of Fauxhasset using the black hole to throw away your trash, we are telling you to stop now. You are damaging and polluting the universe with your frivolous use of this mighty astronomical occurrence. You cannot see where your trash is going, so how do you know it is not irrevocably harming some poor space whale’s habitat?

There has to be something on the other side of the black hole. Objects are coming back through the rift, after all. We watched as town glutton Nom Chompsky sent through 42 perfectly recyclable paper Moonchedder cups into the rift (that’s right Nom Chompsky, we are aware of how much Moonchedder coffee you drink daily) and received a moderately used 1997 Ford pickup truck. Those cups could have been used to feed tens of thousands of colonies of fungus!

We at GREG are demanding the town hire a consultant to study the black hole and determine where our disposables are going and if it poses any ecological threat to Fauxhasset or the greater universe.

GREG

P.S. Please run this in the online edition of the paper only so as not to use more unnecessary resources.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 43rd Edition: Stay trashy, Fauxhasset

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Attention, all Fauxhasset residents: the transfer station and boutique have been relocated to the harbor, where employees are taking advantage of the strange metaphysical properties of the black hole that was accidentally opened during routine dredging of the harbor.

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No more landfills! Hmm, wonder where all that trash is going…. Oh well; not our problem. Photo credit

Now more than ever, it is critical that you utilize the designated blue trash bags for all waste. Glass recyclables should be placed in a yellow bag, metal in red, and plastic in black. Bring organic waste such as lawn cuttings, banana peels, and dog poop in one of the town’s official organic hemp bags.

Be sure to separate “tech trash” such as batteries, printer cartridges, printers, computer monitors, and hadron colliders into the official white bags. Note that relics such as typewriters, corded telephones, and fax machines should be brought to the Historical Society, not the transfer station.

If you do not color code your waste and recyclables, the black hole will not know how to process them. So please be diligent about using only the official bags designated by the town, which are available for purchase at the transfer station as well as the Cop & GOP and Gnaws grocery stores.

As for the boutique, it has been replaced by a cosmic swap shop. Simply throw your undesired household items into the black hole (without a bag!) to receive a mystery item in return.

Two Men threw in the couch Their Dog had chewed up and received 99 red balloons from the vortex. Shannon Blackstone, a sophomore at the Fenclave, trashed her ex-boyfriend’s hoodie and went home with a large brass pocket watch, ticking backwards. Ben Bentley, the richest man in town, traded his six unwanted Porsches for six small, crystalline dice with strange, fluctuating symbols on their 20 faces.

Note that the black hole is unable to process the following: unpaid bills, old love letters, ’90s pop CDs, hopes, dreams, small children, teenagers, or spouses. The Town regrets any inconvenience.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 31st Edition: #Charybdisgate

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

BREAKING: Dredging contractors have inadvertently opened up a black hole in the harbor.

“The job was complete by the Jan. 31 deadline,” said Harbormaster Laurel Hook. “They just liked dredging and kept going. They weren’t charging any extra, so we let them.”

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Get your glowing sushi at Ye Olde Pepper Mill for $500 a roll ($800 for the rarer, red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety). Photo credit

A massive whirlpool has now formed and the black hole is sucking down seawater at about 10,000 gallons per minute. Abutters are calling it #Charybdisgate and fleeing to higher ground. But officials aren’t overly concerned, as long as the moorings hold.

“If you think about it, this really is a good thing,” Town Manager Mown Tanager shouted over the whirlpool’s roar. “Sea level has been on the rise for decades. Draining a substantial portion of the ocean will protect our delicate coastal community for years to come.”

“Of course,” shouted Tanager, “it’ll be another story if we start losing yachts.”

Meanwhile, harbor restaurants Pacifica and Ye Olde Pepper Mill are making the most of the snafu, offering dinner specials with an up-close view of the chaos. The rush of water has carried with it an influx of unusual seafood options, including a large quantity of deep-sea lantern fish. Luminescent sushi is going for $500 a roll, and the red-glowing stoplight loosejaw variety for $800 a roll.

“Yes, it is expensive,” owner Ord Girdlehyde said by phone from his winter home in the African savannah. “But it is a very unique experience. Where else can you get such an up-close and intimate view of raw chaos and entropy? You are watching the world end in a much more dramatic fashion than usual. For that, I think the price is very reasonable.”

Guests on a budget are invited to partake in the “Champagne and Charybdis” special for just $250, said Girdlehyde.

The contractors could not be reached for comment, having been swallowed by the whirlpool.