Fauxhasset Paroder, 76th Edition: Make Like a Tree and – Wait, No, Come Back

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Residents awoke this morning to find the trees gone. Nowhere in town was a single tree to be found standing. Even the heap of discarded Christmas trees at the transfer center had vanished.


Have you seen me? | Photo credit

There were no stumps to indicate that the trees had been cut down, and police said they had not received any noise complaints about buzz saws or other equipment that would have been required to fell and remove thousands of trees overnight.

A woman was found dancing and weeping beside the town common, where an iconic ash tree had spread its leaves wide for nigh 500 years.

“I’m having a shade tree hearing,” the woman explained between twirls. “That means I’m thanking it for 499 years of blissful shade in the summer heat. I would have liked to say so while it was still here, but isn’t that always the way? We never tell anyone how much we appreciate them till they’re gone.”

Residents were quick to point fingers, but none could agree on who was responsible.

Several pinned the incident on the large new alien population, reasoning that Fauxhasset’s newest residents wanted the town to look more like their barren home planet.

Others blamed hotelier Ord Girdlehyde – who, to be fair, destroyed several acres of wetland to build his latest hotel, Castle Girdlehausen, in the fall, not to mention poisoning the water table with glitter.

Girdlehyde himself pointed to developer JJ Henry, who was responsible for the luxury condos at 8 Lame Jane and many others in town, as far back as the Achey Cedars development in the 1970s. However, Henry hasn’t been seen since the Lame Jane townhomes burned to the ground in September.

Mavin Kirk, daughter of Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk and a resident of the Fenclave, told the Paroder that the Ents had at last gone in search of their lost Entwives, and we should be happy for them. “It’s very romantic,” she assured us.

X-Ray Xanadu, Spokeschild for Captain America’s School for the Awesome, said the Grinch had taken them all, but not to worry – he was rallying the superhero troops to get the trees back.

The disappearance of the trees has caused a schism in the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG). Half the members are claiming that the trees are angry with us and we must repent to bring them back. The other half is already setting up solar panels across the town.

Those idiots at Town Hall said they’re working feverishly to get to the bottom of the mystery.

“Whoever did this never came to us for a permit,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “Not that we would have approved it! I’m just saying that, in addition to greatly inconveniencing the citizens of Fauxhasset and sowing fear in the community, they also failed to adhere to the local bylaws. Therefore, we’re taking this very seriously.”

Officials urged residents to remain calm (and also to remain at home, just in case some great and inexplicable evil is afoot… or in case the trees reappear suddenly, lest anyone become trapped inside of one). But no one should panic, officials were quick to add. The situation is under control. Especially the panicking part of the situation. The Panic Brigade has that well-covered.

Still, if anyone feels inclined to repent, it’s probably not a bad idea.


Fauxhasset Paroder, 66th Edition: GOSH Darnit

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) should have booked a bigger meeting room for their Monday night meeting, the agenda of which was dedicated to a proposed development in the heart of the wetlands bordered by Mecca Mile, Atlantis Boulevard and Sand Street.

Local business owner Ord Girdlehyde plans to construct a castle on the site to supplement the rooms available at his Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) on the harbor, which Girdlehyde said is frequently too full of displaced Fauxhasset residents in need of short-term housing to accommodate any actual paying guests.


Girdlehyde swears the castle will be “tasteful and attractive,” not “stark and military.” | Photo credit

The new establishment will be called the Girdlehausen. Abutters turned out in droves to object to the development, calling the structure an “eyesore” and an “attractive nuisance for the children.”

Neighbors are trying to act like they are upset about the potential environmental impact of the project, the flagrant disregard of local wetlands bylaws, the reputation for late-night noise at Girdlehyde’s other establishments, and of course, as ever, the dearth of parking in town.

“Our children go to bed at 6:30 p.m.,” said one woman at the GOSH meeting. “Our friends on the harbor tell us that Ord’s coyote tenants are up playing that techno music until three in the morning on a regular basis. Now he wants to bring that noise to another neighborhood? That isn’t Fauxhasset. Ord just wants to make money. He doesn’t care about us, our children, or our town. He’s not even here tonight.”

Girdlehyde responded via Skype from his fall home in the Appalachian Mountains.

“First of all, I am hurt that you say I am not here tonight,” Girdlehyde said. “I am very much here. I am speaking right now, as you can see.”

“Secondly,” Girdlehyde went on, “the coyotes are not tenants. Like the others staying at the hotel, they are simply displaced; I am doing them a favor. The hotel is not their legal address; they are simply staying with me until they can settle some issues with their permanent residence.”

“Finally,” Girdlehyde concluded, “a correction of terms. The music they are playing – it is not techno. This is not 1997. These are cutting-edge artists – visionaries! Very popular in Germany and the Arctic. They would be hurt to hear you say ‘techno.’”

Be that as it may, noise was ostensibly one of the reigning concerns among Mecca Mile area residents who attended the meeting on Monday. But we all know that their true fear is that Girdlehyde’s castle will upstage their mansions, forcing them to continue building up and out to remain the most glamorous property in the neighborhood.

Good luck with that, since Girdlehyde has partnered with painter Stuart Semple – inventor of the world’s glitteriest glitter, who has a vacation home in Fauxhasset – to develop a custom paint for the castle’s exterior. It’s likely that even Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes will be put to shame.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Black hole not so green

Dear Editor,

We are GREG (the Green and Renewable Energy Group, for the ignorant many complaining about, yet still using, the Moonchedder Easter cups).

Last week your paper ran a story about the Fauxhasset black hole: You know, that mysterious rift in space and possibly time that seems to be a perfect dumping ground and trans-galactic boutique.


How do you know your carelessness isn’t cluttering up this majestic creature’s front lawn? Photo credit

To you residents of Fauxhasset using the black hole to throw away your trash, we are telling you to stop now. You are damaging and polluting the universe with your frivolous use of this mighty astronomical occurrence. You cannot see where your trash is going, so how do you know it is not irrevocably harming some poor space whale’s habitat?

There has to be something on the other side of the black hole. Objects are coming back through the rift, after all. We watched as town glutton Nom Chompsky sent through 42 perfectly recyclable paper Moonchedder cups into the rift (that’s right Nom Chompsky, we are aware of how much Moonchedder coffee you drink daily) and received a moderately used 1997 Ford pickup truck. Those cups could have been used to feed tens of thousands of colonies of fungus!

We at GREG are demanding the town hire a consultant to study the black hole and determine where our disposables are going and if it poses any ecological threat to Fauxhasset or the greater universe.


P.S. Please run this in the online edition of the paper only so as not to use more unnecessary resources.