By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Spring has truly sprung in Fauxhasset. Thanks to the impostor groundhog Fauxsutawney Fil’s gift of eternal summer, the town skipped over April showers and went straight to May flowers, with crocuses breaking through the melting snow as early as mid-February.
Soon, the daffodils and hyacinths followed; then the tulips. But now, as the tough, early flowers give way to the full palette of spring, something strange and frightening is happening: the leaves are coming in.
This would not be alarming, except that the town misplaced every one of its trees back in January and has yet to determine where they went. There are no trunks or branches supporting these leaves. They’re just floating up there, growing thicker and greener by the day.
GREG, the Green and Renewable Energy Group, has mixed feelings about the development. The committee split after the trees went missing, with half of its members claiming the trees were angry and urging citizens to repent, and half of them clamoring to set up solar panels across town.
The “repent” faction is in good spirits and says the trees are on the brink of forgiving us for whatever we did that angered them.
“Once they’re back, we’re going to have a very serious sit-down with them to find out what it was so we don’t do it again,” said Sam Bombadil, Great Green Thumb of the committee. “After our ceremonial watering festival, of course, which is to thank the trees for their awesome patience and benevolence.”
The “solar energy” faction is not as happy.
“We spent a lot of people’s tax dollars putting in these solar panels, and soon they’ll be useless,” said Sunny More, the committee’s Grand Corona. “It’s become very wasteful. We’re looking into options for clearing the leaves so we can continue to harvest the sun’s glorious golden energy, but so far everyone is telling us they can only remove leaves if they are attached to branches.”
Bombadil was appalled when he heard of More’s plan. “These are trees!” he protested. “They have feelings! Does she want to anger them more?”
“These aren’t trees,” More told the Paroder. “They’re just leaves, like you’d find on your lawn in the fall. Would any one of you leave piles of leaves on your lawn all winter? I didn’t think so.”
The Paroder reached out to local philosopher the Origami Swami for clarity on this issue.
“The question,” he said, “is how much of a tree is needed to constitute a tree? In other words, wherein lies the soul of the tree? Is it in the leaves? The trunk? The branches? Or are all three required?”
“If one finds a stick on the ground,” said the Origami Swami, “one does not say, ‘Ah! See here, I have found a small tree.’ And a tree is still a tree in the winter, when its leaves have fallen. So it would seem that the soul of a tree is in its trunk.”
“Therefore,” he concluded, “it would not be harmful to the tree to remove these leaves. However, as the leaves seem to be growing in the normal way of leaves, it seems clear that they are still a living thing, albeit one we do not understand. It is never wise to harm a living thing – especially one we do not understand.”