Fauxhasset Paroder, 30th Edition: Inside Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes

As everyone knows, the Fauxhasset School District is ranked first in the universe for PIE (Professorless Independent Education). What does PIE look like in action? The Paroder goes behind the scenes at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

Of course, this is only half the picture. The lower elementary school split back in 1921, just two decades into the Hundred-Year Teacher Strike. Since then, kindergarten through second grade girls have attended Princess Elsa’s School, while the boys have attended Captain America’s School for the Awesome.

Unfortunately, though the Paroder tried to get footage of Captain America’s School as well, your reporter was not permitted to pass the “No Girls Aloud” sign.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 28th Edition: Say it ain’t snow

Just when officials thought they had finally done away with winter once and for all, a massive snowstorm pummeled the town, dumping 12 feet of the cold white stuff on Fauxhasset on Thursday and Friday.

“We’re as surprised as anyone,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager via carrier squirrel (phones and internet were, of course, the first casualties of the storm, and the municipal pigeons kept getting blown off course in the gale).

“We knew what was in the forecast, but we didn’t think it would hit us,” Tanager said. “That wasn’t part of the deal with CONFIDENTIAL – WARNING – THIS INFORMATION IS PROTECTED AND CAN ONLY BE UNLOCKED WITH THE BLOOD OF THE UNDERSIGNED. THIS SQUIRREL WILL SELF-DESTRUCT.”

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Reneging on the deal! After all those ritual sacrifices! Photo credit

 

DPW admits they were only prepared for 12 inches of snow, not 12 feet, and were unable to keep up with the onslaught. They finally handed the reins to the Panic Brigade on Thursday night.

The brigade drafted 10,000 mercenary snow squirrels, including the squirrel carrier fleet, to clear the mess and dig tunnels so people would at least be able to travel on the main roads. After all, it’s not like school would be cancelled. Superintendent Vetsy DaBoss hasn’t declared a snow day in 46 years.

“They’re is no snow,” DaBoss alleged during an emergency meeting of the Board of Academic Enlightenment (BAE) in an igloo hastily constructed for their purposes.

“Do you see snow?” demanded DaBoss. “Because what I see are pig-bears, mutant deers, and drug-dealing coyotes running rampant in your town. These kids don’t need a Snow Day, they need nuclear missiles to protect themselves with.”

The superintendent spoke loudly, gesticulating widely, but did not move her mouth. BAE voted unanimously in terror to open schools on Friday and members returned to their homes on thoroughly squirrel-scoured streets beneath the six-foot ceiling of snow.

If you need help clearing your driveway, roof, or a path to your door, well, the phones are still down and all the carrier squirrels have been drafted, so we hope whatever god you pray to is feeling kindly; perhaps a squirrel will pay you a visit soon.

Until then, the Panic Brigade recommends strictly rationing your supply of milky bread.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 8th Edition: School district ranked first in universe

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

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The lower elementary school will remain an ice castle until it melts in spring, said a spokeschild. Photo Credit

Today, Nov. 18, marks the 116th anniversary of the Hundred-Year Teacher Strike. That’s 116 years of self-governance and Professorless Independent Education (PIE™) for Fauxhasset students, an achievement that has earned the district the number-one ranking in the universe.

The third- through fifth-grade students of Steer Mill School threw a party to celebrate their 116th year of self-supervision.

Those portions of the budget that had not been earmarked for electricity, high-speed WiFi, and Steer Mill’s in-house private Chipotle restaurant were allocated to the anniversary celebration.

The budget funded the purchase of Steer Mill’s 27th bouncy house, hoverboards for every student, and a six-hour Ariana Grande concert in the gymnasium, complete with the permanent installation of bubble machines, pyrotechnics, and 42 disco balls of varying sizes.

Just up the hill, a celebration of equal proportions was taking place among the kindergarten through second-grade students.

At the divided lower elementary school, the boys of Captain America’s School for the Awesome installed an indoor skydiving machine on the baseball field and ordered new superhero uniforms for every student (but not for the girls).

Meanwhile, the girls of Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes took over the building, turned the air conditioning down to 21 degrees Fahrenheit, and hired artists to transform the entire school into an ice palace.

Professional figure skaters were hired to reenact the Disney movie “Frozen,” and every princess in school received a new pair of ice skates and a unique skating dress of her choosing. The girls said they will not be dismantling the ice castle before classes start on Monday.

“If the boys are so tough, they can handle it,” said Princess Dooey Lembas, a spokeschild from the Princess Elsa School.

It is unclear whether Fauxhasset Middle-High School observed the anniversary, since the school is still in lockdown awaiting Tom Brady’s acceptance of the presidency of their newly-fashioned nation-state.

The Fauxhasset School District is number one in the universe for PIE™. Only in recent years have schools more broadly embraced the student-centric approach, and none have done so as thoroughly as Fauxhasset.

It is because, dear readers, those communities do not trust their children. But we all know that our children are better than their children, and our tax dollars are better spent than theirs. Cheers to another great year without teachers, and here’s to many more.