By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
After months camped out on Achey Cedars Way, paranormal investigator Buster DeGost has declared the pothole threat “expired.”
“This sort of dimensional rift typically operates at a one-to-one ratio,” DeGost explained. “If something falls in from this dimension, something else from the other dimension will come through to replace it.”
Several months ago, Fauxhasset lost a Mini Cooper, a UPS delivery truck, and a child – Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome – to a large, hungry pothole on Achey Cedars. Meanwhile, it gained a spaceship and a person (the Alien ϨΔиϮα).
DeGost has been waiting since December for a third item to come through, but the pothole seems to have gone dormant, leading DeGost to conclude that, whatever the item might be, it had already appeared before he started keeping watch.
DeGost said that the item is most likely harmless to our dimension and he isn’t worried about finding it. Residents of the cul de sac should feel “100 percent confident” returning to their homes (the Mad Elephant Hotel has been hosting Achey Cedars residents free of charge since December).
“I don’t trust anyone who tells me how confident I should be, especially if that number is 100 percent,” said one resident, lounging near the hotel pool and swirling a glass of red wine.
“Don’t tell my dad,” said another – one of the eight remaining Lembas children – as he tested blue and fuchsia dance lights in the ballroom. “This place is lit. Ever since the cops busted up that rager on Whelming Street, the coyotes have been having their parties here instead. Those guys are animals.”
Shorty’s only sister, Dooey, said she couldn’t wait to get back home.
“I’m really glad Buster’s been keeping an eye on the pothole and I’m sure he’s doing a great job,” said Dooey, “but I should have been doing that. It’s my fault Shorty fell in there. I know Buster thinks the portal’s closed, but I’m not giving up.”
Contractors were previously unable to patch the pothole, as it seemed to have a bottomless appetite for asphalt, but it has now been filled and leveled, and several residents moved back in over the weekend.