Fauxhasset Paroder, 35th Edition: Street’s appetite sated?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously, on Achey Cedars Way]

After months camped out on Achey Cedars Way, paranormal investigator Buster DeGost has declared the pothole threat “expired.”

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The road that ate a child, a Mini Cooper, and a UPS truck in December seems to have lost its appetite, experts say. Photo credit

“This sort of dimensional rift typically operates at a one-to-one ratio,” DeGost explained. “If something falls in from this dimension, something else from the other dimension will come through to replace it.”

Several months ago, Fauxhasset lost a Mini Cooper, a UPS delivery truck, and a child – Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome – to a large, hungry pothole on Achey Cedars. Meanwhile, it gained a spaceship and a person (the Alien ϨΔиϮα).

DeGost has been waiting since December for a third item to come through, but the pothole seems to have gone dormant, leading DeGost to conclude that, whatever the item might be, it had already appeared before he started keeping watch.

DeGost said that the item is most likely harmless to our dimension and he isn’t worried about finding it. Residents of the cul de sac should feel “100 percent confident” returning to their homes (the Mad Elephant Hotel has been hosting Achey Cedars residents free of charge since December).

“I don’t trust anyone who tells me how confident I should be, especially if that number is 100 percent,” said one resident, lounging near the hotel pool and swirling a glass of red wine.

“Don’t tell my dad,” said another – one of the eight remaining Lembas children – as he tested blue and fuchsia dance lights in the ballroom. “This place is lit. Ever since the cops busted up that rager on Whelming Street, the coyotes have been having their parties here instead. Those guys are animals.”

Shorty’s only sister, Dooey, said she couldn’t wait to get back home.

“I’m really glad Buster’s been keeping an eye on the pothole and I’m sure he’s doing a great job,” said Dooey, “but I should have been doing that. It’s my fault Shorty fell in there. I know Buster thinks the portal’s closed, but I’m not giving up.”

Contractors were previously unable to patch the pothole, as it seemed to have a bottomless appetite for asphalt, but it has now been filled and leveled, and several residents moved back in over the weekend.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 27th Edition: Signs of the times

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A clandestine group has altered the speed limit along 3A by taping poster board signs that say “35 mph” over the legally posted “50 mph” ones. Police advise motorists to travel at the official speed limit and ignore the posters.

“The driving along that stretch of road is already… unpredictable,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “We don’t need to make it any worse. People should just drive the speed they always drive there until we’re able to take down all the posters.”

 

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Although the exact identities of the perpetrators are yet unknown, it’s no surprise that advocates of a lower speed limit have taken matters into their own hands. Over the years, various community groups have fought fruitlessly for lower speed limits and traffic signals at a handful of difficult intersections in town.

3A is a state highway, so any alterations must come down from on high, and that can take anywhere from four to 40 years. Still, proponents evidently hoped that the curb cuts being added for the new self-storage facility would be enough to win them a traffic light in that location.

However, the state told the Planning Board last night that people who are entering the facility to store themselves cryogenically will not need to exit for at least 50 more years, at which time someone else can deal with the traffic issues.

The handmade speed limit signs appeared overnight after the meeting. Police have narrowed the field of suspects to active liberals who attended the Women’s March for America, since the signs were drawn on the back of posters that said “Nasty women grab back,” “Impeach the Cheeto,” and “Keep your tiny hands off our rights.”

Handwriting experts are now reviewing the evidence and hope to make a finding sometime in the next week.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 16th Edition: Oh deer, deer, deer

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Car accidents involving deer are piling up. There were another dozen crashes this week, including two that involved a soccer mom whose Range Rover was totaled by a deer earlier this month.

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Officials say the beast has been slain. Unofficials not so sure; advise “stay woke.” Photo credit

“I’ll say the same thing I said the last two times,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh, standing away from a seven-car pile-up that included her brand-new Tesla. “That thing was not a deer.”

Marsh shook her head and added, “Fauxhasset’s supposed to be such a great place to raise your kids, but my sons are terrified, and my husband and I don’t want them outside with some… some monster on the loose. I can’t believe those idiots at Town Hall haven’t done something about this.”

As a matter of fact, those idiots at Town Hall had done something about it, or at least they’d tried.

“We’re doing everything we possibly can,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager at the scene of the accident. “For such a large creature, these deer are incredibly hard to track. We don’t even know how many of them there are – is it the same animal causing accidents over and over, or are there hundreds of them out in the woods somewhere? We just don’t know.”

“And by the way, we don’t know for sure that they aren’t just ordinary deer,” Tanager added. “I’m inclined to say that they are, but the witness reports are uncannily consistent across the board, and we can’t just ignore that.”

Before the accident, the Local and Regional Animal Whisperers (LAW and RAW) had been tracking the creature for most of the day, assisted by Radiation State Park Senior Ranger Roc Rubble with his flask of whiskey and Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, part-time Jedi, with his light saber.

They arrived on the scene shortly after the accident and pursued the creature into the woods. As tow trucks were hauling away the last of the wreckage, the LAW returned with Branch’s light saber in one hand and a crown of antlers in the other.

“The beast is slain,” he announced. He brought the antlers back to the police station as evidence and for possible use in the creation of reinducks for pulling Santa’s duck boat on Saturday.

The others didn’t come out of the woods for several more minutes, and police almost sent a search team after them, but at last they emerged.

The RAW immediately got into his Hum-vee and drove into the forest to collect the carcass. Rubble declined to comment and instead tried to drain his flask, which was already empty. Branch cast about for his light saber, a circuit which brought him close to the Paroder reporting team.

“Don’t listen to Tanager and LAW,” Branch muttered. “Whatever that thing is, it’s not a deer, and it’s not dead.”

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.