By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
The summer climes may be everlasting thanks to Fauxsutawney Fil, but summer vacation, alas, is not. Maybe that’s why everyone in Fauxhasset is so mad this week. It seems that even when the weather is perfect, people will find something to complain about.
Need My #PSL
“Well, sure, the weather is perfect for going to the beach,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh. “But we’re ready for flannel and pumpkin spice lattés and pretty fall leaves, and none of that is happening – at least, not in Fauxhasset. Then, when I take the boys to away games, we’ve got to bundle up because all the other towns are having fall and we’re not.”
While other soccer parents agreed that the lack of pumpkin spice lattés is a crime and an outrage, most residents feel that the eternal summer will pay off come December, when neighboring towns are hunkering down for the cold and snow and Fauxhassians are still swimming, sailing, yachting, and stand-up paddle-boarding in our balmy summer waters.
The Dog Days Aren’t Over Till They’re Over
They say the dog days of summer are over after Labrador Day, but are they really over if the Labrador Day Parade doesn’t come through town? Many would argue “no,” and some parents are even refusing to send their children back to school until the traditional summer finale is played out as it should be.
Pemborke Mayor Daedalus Doggo said the parade has already happened once and won’t be repeated until next year. Doggo would like to remind Fauxhasset whose fault it is that the parade didn’t make it here this year.
The procession, which features hundreds of Pemborke’s finest Labradors, was unable to continue its march through Fauxhasset, as marchers became distracted by the thousands of cats in attendance of the event. Order could not be restored for several hours, causing towns north of Fauxhasset on the parade route to miss out on the festivities as well.
Looking Ahead to the Holidays
The residents of Fuglyoaks Lane have already begun this year’s campaign to be exempt from handing out king-size candy bars on Halloween, or at least to receive a tax credit from Town Hall, which requires all residents on the street to provide at least one king-size candy bar or “appropriate festive equivalent” to each trick-or-treater on Oct. 31.
What started as a friendly competition between neighbors to outdo each other on Halloween was codified into law back in 1982, and residents say the excess is now putting families out of house and home.
“The town is forcing us to choose someone else’s kids over our own,” said one parent. “The worst part is, most of our trick-or-treaters don’t even live on Fuglyoaks – their parents drive them here just so they can get the biggest candy bars! I don’t know how we’ll afford this on top of Christmas every day.”
They might try being Jewish, according to neighbor Cecil Elfman.
“Fauxsutawney Fil didn’t take us into account when he made it Christmas every day,” said Elfman. “At first, we felt bad for our kids, but seeing our friends have to buy and wrap new presents every single day, and a new tree every week… I think not dealing with that hassle was the best gift of all.”
She’s Super, Alright – Super Serious
Princess Diamanda Sparkleopoulos, a student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes, wants to see some changes in the divided lower elementary schools – starting with her own name. The second-grader shall henceforth answer only to “The Diamond Scythe.”
The Diamond Scythe was involved in last week’s invasion of the Temple, and she said the event made her realize how much the girls in town are short-changing themselves by only learning one skill – how to turn superheroes into snowflakes – while their male counterparts are learning a variety of useful supernatural abilities at Captain America’s School for the Awesome.
“I’m not wasting another year perfecting my dendrites. Snowflakes are useless in this weather, anyway,” said The Diamond Scythe. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl. Being super is for everyone, and that’s the sparkly truth.”