Fauxhasset Paroder, 85th Edition: How To Be A Human 101

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Over the weekend, 1,000 of Fauxhasset’s newest residents crowded into the Waffle House for a conference retreat hosted by the Helping the Unearthly Masses Acclimate to the Newworld (HUMAN) Society. The retreat was organized by Jedi Master Devan Branch, former full-time part-timer.

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Quick, pretend to be human! | Photo credit

Branch founded the HUMAN Society this spring to help the 8,000 illegal aliens who moved to town in January after an interdimensional portal opened in the sky over the wetlands.

The aliens say they’re happy here and don’t wish to leave, calling it “the most perfect place in the universe” (and they aren’t wrong). However, they clearly have no idea how to live like us or among us, and that incongruity is taking its toll on the rightful residents of our fine town.

The weekend was dedicated to teaching newcomers the necessary skills for surviving in Earth society – and, more specifically, in the very unique and special society of Fauxhasset, which as we all know is in a league of its own.

On Friday evening, Branch taught the aliens the essentials of coming and going – rule number one being “Never go out past 9:00 p.m.” Nothing good can happen after 9:00 p.m., even (or especially) if that infernal Waffle House stays open all night long.

Branch also taught that it is necessary to pick a side in the ongoing Grocery Wars. While the HUMAN Society will not prevent or punish anyone for choosing Cop & GOP over Gnaws, he said, they cannot abide a flip-flopper who just shops willy-nilly wherever the fancy strikes him.

On Saturday, the aliens learned about the importance of appearances.

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Yeah, just like that! Perfect! | Photo credit

The art of appearance is not just about hiding one’s green skin, tentacles, or excess features and appendages (defined as “more than two” for all features and appendages besides the nose and mouth, of which there should be one each, no more, no less).

But appearances are so much more than that, said Branch. It’s about the car you drive, the kids that your kids hang out with at school, and the tiny embroidered logo on the pocket of your polo shirt (appropriate images include a man riding a horse, a smiling whale, or a very smol alligator, no teeth).

It’s about volunteering for all the right causes. Never mind showing up, Branch added; the important thing is that your name is attached to something bigger than yourself, and everyone can see that.

It is about the state of your lawn, Fauxhasset! We all know how important it is to take care of one’s lawn. Nine tenths of neighbor relations boil down to adequate lawncare.

On Sunday, Branch wrapped up the conference up with family talk.

Aliens had an opportunity to practice the art of the humble kid-brag in live simulations. A volunteer artist was on site creating custom vinyl stick figure decals for the aliens to put on their vehicles so that everyone else can see exactly what their family looks like and enjoys.

Finally, Branch concluded, if all else fails, try adopting a dog – “It will give you something to talk about,” he said.

A representative from the local animal shelter was outside, trying to pass off some of Fauxhasset’s excess cats as dogs to the unwitting adopters. 400 “dogs” found their way into forever homes and forever hearts that day.

“There’s a lot about this town that we take for granted,” Branch told the Paroder in an exclusive interview. “Even other humans are confused by us. Whether or not Fauxhasset is ‘the most perfect place in the universe’ as the aliens believe it to be, it’s definitely one of the most unique places in the universe. Climbing that learning curve isn’t easy, even – or especially – if you have a spaceship.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 61st Edition: They Didn’t Kneed To Do That

Another September has come and gone, with the families of Fauxhasset settling comfortably into the rhythms of work, school, and fall sports.

First, the topic we all care about above all else: Football, Game Above All Games, played in remembrance of the Holy Flying Pig – that, as we all know, is why they call it “tossing the old pigskin around,” as partakers believe the football is made from the Pig’s body, broken for us.

Blessed be His Game. Photo Credit

With President Jimmy Garoppolo, former second-string quarterback for the New England Patriots, as head coach, the high school football team is looking like a real winner this year.

However, the rest of the division is questioning whether the Fenclave should be allowed to compete at all. Fans and foes alike have been aghast since several players were recently caught taking knees that didn’t belong to them.

Police caught it all on surveillance cameras at the local foot pantry. The players said they were protesting the injustice of some Americans having more knees than they required while others did not have enough. They said they planned to redistribute the knees to those in need.

NOT AVAILABLE FOR GREETINGS CARDS A line up for a knobbly knees competition

A sampling of the knees taken by the football team last week. Photo credit

Critics say these football players are able-bodied young men endowed with exactly the right number of knees; who are they to comment on what others have or deserve – and what kind of place is the sacred ground of the football field to make a statement like that? They should consider themselves blessed rather than making a debacle out of the Holy Game, which the rest of us just want to enjoy.

On top of that, say division leaders, a) the Fenclave seceded from the country last winter, which may disqualify it from participation in regional athletic competitions, and b) it really isn’t fair that they’ve got a professional quarterback for a coach.

Speaking of unfair, it’s looking like the soccer team will once again be dominated by the students of Pemborke, which has been the case throughout living memory, since all of Pemborke’s players are dogs.

No other town has ever really stood a chance, since dogs have four legs, run faster than humans, and can’t foul with their hands – plus, the umps never call them for carrying the ball in their mouth! Cute or not, there really needs to be a rule about that.

Ironically, the team that seems to be playing on the most level field this season is the Quidditch team, which is funny because they don’t even really need a field at all.

In other fall news, police have started a “Student Police Academy” in conjunction with the Fenclave’s School Resource Officer. The Fenclave’s government is just taking shape, and its citizens have voted to invite some outside guidance the help deal with matters of discipline.

Among other lessons, police are trying to inspire peace through the power of music with their new “RoboCop” DJ program. Ah, readers – the way they whoop and bloop those sirens, you just know some of these gentlemen were born to be DJs. We’re sad they missed their calling, but happy to have them here with us in Fauxhasset, keeping the streets lit in more ways than one.

Finally, as always, Mooncheddar Coffee is selling gallons upon gallons of its wildly popular butternut squash latté (#BSL) on a daily basis. Thankfully the butternut squash access pipeline installed in August 2016 has protected the Fauxhasset Mooncheddar store from #BSL droughts like it’s suffered in the past.

Still, the #BSL won’t be around for long before the pine-flavored Evergreen Mocha takes its place, so be sure to buy yours today – and recycle that cup, or suffer the wrath of GREG.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 10th Edition: Troublemakers fowl up town meeting

By Sobby Raint-John, Fauxhasset Paroder Correspondent
And Thamanda Crompson, Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police were called to the Assembly of Chosen’s weekly Marathon of Remarks after Two Men and Their Dog burst in wearing elaborate turkey costumes and shouting, “End the War on Thanksgiving!”

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Two Men’s Dog punctuated the argument by chewing loudly on a squeaky toy shaped like a turkey leg. Local animal rights activists are trying to determine whether this should be considered cannibalism, or at the very least, animal cruelty. Photo credit

The Fauxhasset Paroder, already reporting on the Marathon, witnessed the disturbance caused by the local troublemakers. The Chosen had been continuing their disagreement about when to take down the Halloween decorations and put up the Christmas ones.

“We’ve had two months of Halloween,” said Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk. “The Common has been covered with gravestones since September, and the congress of ghosts has been hovering around them for just as long. It’s time we give those restless spirits some rest.”

“But Halloween is a holiday everyone can agree on,” objected She-Chosen Kaia Dennis. “Not everyone celebrates Christmas, and we have to be sensitive to that.”

“We have important decisions to make about Christmas, and we can’t leave those to the last minute,” argued He-Chosen Saul Preston. “We need to figure out if Santa is going to arrive on a sleigh or on a lobster boat. It can’t be both.”

He-Chosen Gene Strom waved it off.

“People don’t even really like Christmas,” said Strom. “In the past, I’ve gotten calls from the neighbors complaining that the lights on the Common are too bright and they can’t sleep. The message we’re getting is that cheer is passé. Now, if you wanted to put up a shopping mall on the Common, I think people would really like that.”

That was when Two Men and Their Dog so rudely interrupted the Marathon with their frivolous get-ups and two golden, fresh, steaming… I mean, extremely stinky and offensive apple pies, which they laid before the Chosen as a sort of offering.

“There is another holiday between Halloween and Christmas,” said Two Men and Their Dog. “A time for enjoying each other’s company and stuffing our faces until we pass out. We have a beautiful town and a beautiful community here in Fauxhasset. Let us not forget to be grateful for that.”

By this time, Town Manager Mown Tanager had quietly slipped away from the table, locked himself in his office, and, presumably, called the police, who were on the scene within eight minutes. Order was soon restored.

The next day, the Paroder caught up with Two Men and Their Dog at home, after being reminded by police that their phone was still being held in evidence for taking pictures of trees.

The house was easily identifiable by the hay bales and cornucopia on display by the mailbox and the rows of pumpkins, gourds and mums lining the walkway to the door. A hand-carved sign on the door reminded visitors to “Give Thanks.”

“We just wanted the town not to forget about Thanksgiving,” explained Two Men and Their Dog around mouthfuls of turkey. “The holidays just go by so fast ya’ know?”

It is not clear at this time if Two Men and Their Dog will be charged.