Fauxhasset Paroder, 100th Edition: We’re All Mad Here

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The summer climes may be everlasting thanks to Fauxsutawney Fil, but summer vacation, alas, is not. Maybe that’s why everyone in Fauxhasset is so mad this week. It seems that even when the weather is perfect, people will find something to complain about.

Need My #PSL

“Well, sure, the weather is perfect for going to the beach,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh. “But we’re ready for flannel and pumpkin spice lattés and pretty fall leaves, and none of that is happening – at least, not in Fauxhasset. Then, when I take the boys to away games, we’ve got to bundle up because all the other towns are having fall and we’re not.”

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And now they don’t have a Starbucks, either.

While other soccer parents agreed that the lack of pumpkin spice lattés is a crime and an outrage, most residents feel that the eternal summer will pay off come December, when neighboring towns are hunkering down for the cold and snow and Fauxhassians are still swimming, sailing, yachting, and stand-up paddle-boarding in our balmy summer waters.

The Dog Days Aren’t Over Till They’re Over

They say the dog days of summer are over after Labrador Day, but are they really over if the Labrador Day Parade doesn’t come through town? Many would argue “no,” and some parents are even refusing to send their children back to school until the traditional summer finale is played out as it should be.

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Things were going so well until movement caught her eye, stage right… | Photo credit

Pemborke Mayor Daedalus Doggo said the parade has already happened once and won’t be repeated until next year. Doggo would like to remind Fauxhasset whose fault it is that the parade didn’t make it here this year.

The procession, which features hundreds of Pemborke’s finest Labradors, was unable to continue its march through Fauxhasset, as marchers became distracted by the thousands of cats in attendance of the event. Order could not be restored for several hours, causing towns north of Fauxhasset on the parade route to miss out on the festivities as well.

Looking Ahead to the Holidays

The residents of Fuglyoaks Lane have already begun this year’s campaign to be exempt from handing out king-size candy bars on Halloween, or at least to receive a tax credit from Town Hall, which requires all residents on the street to provide at least one king-size candy bar or “appropriate festive equivalent” to each trick-or-treater on Oct. 31.

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It’s too late. This is the new normal. | Photo credit

What started as a friendly competition between neighbors to outdo each other on Halloween was codified into law back in 1982, and residents say the excess is now putting families out of house and home.

“The town is forcing us to choose someone else’s kids over our own,” said one parent. “The worst part is, most of our trick-or-treaters don’t even live on Fuglyoaks – their parents drive them here just so they can get the biggest candy bars! I don’t know how we’ll afford this on top of Christmas every day.”

They might try being Jewish, according to neighbor Cecil Elfman.

“Fauxsutawney Fil didn’t take us into account when he made it Christmas every day,” said Elfman. “At first, we felt bad for our kids, but seeing our friends have to buy and wrap new presents every single day, and a new tree every week… I think not dealing with that hassle was the best gift of all.”

She’s Super, Alright – Super Serious

Princess Diamanda Sparkleopoulos, a student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes, wants to see some changes in the divided lower elementary schools – starting with her own name. The second-grader shall henceforth answer only to “The Diamond Scythe.”

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When I grow up, I want to be a diamond warrior. Wait, scratch that; I’ll do it now. | Photo credit

The Diamond Scythe was involved in last week’s invasion of the Temple, and she said the event made her realize how much the girls in town are short-changing themselves by only learning one skill – how to turn superheroes into snowflakes – while their male counterparts are learning a variety of useful supernatural abilities at Captain America’s School for the Awesome.

“I’m not wasting another year perfecting my dendrites. Snowflakes are useless in this weather, anyway,” said The Diamond Scythe. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl. Being super is for everyone, and that’s the sparkly truth.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 85th Edition: How To Be A Human 101

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Over the weekend, 1,000 of Fauxhasset’s newest residents crowded into the Waffle House for a conference retreat hosted by the Helping the Unearthly Masses Acclimate to the Newworld (HUMAN) Society. The retreat was organized by Jedi Master Devan Branch, former full-time part-timer.

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Quick, pretend to be human! | Photo credit

Branch founded the HUMAN Society this spring to help the 8,000 illegal aliens who moved to town in January after an interdimensional portal opened in the sky over the wetlands.

The aliens say they’re happy here and don’t wish to leave, calling it “the most perfect place in the universe” (and they aren’t wrong). However, they clearly have no idea how to live like us or among us, and that incongruity is taking its toll on the rightful residents of our fine town.

The weekend was dedicated to teaching newcomers the necessary skills for surviving in Earth society – and, more specifically, in the very unique and special society of Fauxhasset, which as we all know is in a league of its own.

On Friday evening, Branch taught the aliens the essentials of coming and going – rule number one being “Never go out past 9:00 p.m.” Nothing good can happen after 9:00 p.m., even (or especially) if that infernal Waffle House stays open all night long.

Branch also taught that it is necessary to pick a side in the ongoing Grocery Wars. While the HUMAN Society will not prevent or punish anyone for choosing Cop & GOP over Gnaws, he said, they cannot abide a flip-flopper who just shops willy-nilly wherever the fancy strikes him.

On Saturday, the aliens learned about the importance of appearances.

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Yeah, just like that! Perfect! | Photo credit

The art of appearance is not just about hiding one’s green skin, tentacles, or excess features and appendages (defined as “more than two” for all features and appendages besides the nose and mouth, of which there should be one each, no more, no less).

But appearances are so much more than that, said Branch. It’s about the car you drive, the kids that your kids hang out with at school, and the tiny embroidered logo on the pocket of your polo shirt (appropriate images include a man riding a horse, a smiling whale, or a very smol alligator, no teeth).

It’s about volunteering for all the right causes. Never mind showing up, Branch added; the important thing is that your name is attached to something bigger than yourself, and everyone can see that.

It is about the state of your lawn, Fauxhasset! We all know how important it is to take care of one’s lawn. Nine tenths of neighbor relations boil down to adequate lawncare.

On Sunday, Branch wrapped up the conference up with family talk.

Aliens had an opportunity to practice the art of the humble kid-brag in live simulations. A volunteer artist was on site creating custom vinyl stick figure decals for the aliens to put on their vehicles so that everyone else can see exactly what their family looks like and enjoys.

Finally, Branch concluded, if all else fails, try adopting a dog – “It will give you something to talk about,” he said.

A representative from the local animal shelter was outside, trying to pass off some of Fauxhasset’s excess cats as dogs to the unwitting adopters. 400 “dogs” found their way into forever homes and forever hearts that day.

“There’s a lot about this town that we take for granted,” Branch told the Paroder in an exclusive interview. “Even other humans are confused by us. Whether or not Fauxhasset is ‘the most perfect place in the universe’ as the aliens believe it to be, it’s definitely one of the most unique places in the universe. Climbing that learning curve isn’t easy, even – or especially – if you have a spaceship.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 61st Edition: They Didn’t Kneed To Do That

Another September has come and gone, with the families of Fauxhasset settling comfortably into the rhythms of work, school, and fall sports.

First, the topic we all care about above all else: Football, Game Above All Games, played in remembrance of the Holy Flying Pig – that, as we all know, is why they call it “tossing the old pigskin around,” as partakers believe the football is made from the Pig’s body, broken for us.

Blessed be His Game. Photo Credit

With President Jimmy Garoppolo, former second-string quarterback for the New England Patriots, as head coach, the high school football team is looking like a real winner this year.

However, the rest of the division is questioning whether the Fenclave should be allowed to compete at all. Fans and foes alike have been aghast since several players were recently caught taking knees that didn’t belong to them.

Police caught it all on surveillance cameras at the local foot pantry. The players said they were protesting the injustice of some Americans having more knees than they required while others did not have enough. They said they planned to redistribute the knees to those in need.

NOT AVAILABLE FOR GREETINGS CARDS A line up for a knobbly knees competition

A sampling of the knees taken by the football team last week. Photo credit

Critics say these football players are able-bodied young men endowed with exactly the right number of knees; who are they to comment on what others have or deserve – and what kind of place is the sacred ground of the football field to make a statement like that? They should consider themselves blessed rather than making a debacle out of the Holy Game, which the rest of us just want to enjoy.

On top of that, say division leaders, a) the Fenclave seceded from the country last winter, which may disqualify it from participation in regional athletic competitions, and b) it really isn’t fair that they’ve got a professional quarterback for a coach.

Speaking of unfair, it’s looking like the soccer team will once again be dominated by the students of Pemborke, which has been the case throughout living memory, since all of Pemborke’s players are dogs.

No other town has ever really stood a chance, since dogs have four legs, run faster than humans, and can’t foul with their hands – plus, the umps never call them for carrying the ball in their mouth! Cute or not, there really needs to be a rule about that.

Ironically, the team that seems to be playing on the most level field this season is the Quidditch team, which is funny because they don’t even really need a field at all.

In other fall news, police have started a “Student Police Academy” in conjunction with the Fenclave’s School Resource Officer. The Fenclave’s government is just taking shape, and its citizens have voted to invite some outside guidance the help deal with matters of discipline.

Among other lessons, police are trying to inspire peace through the power of music with their new “RoboCop” DJ program. Ah, readers – the way they whoop and bloop those sirens, you just know some of these gentlemen were born to be DJs. We’re sad they missed their calling, but happy to have them here with us in Fauxhasset, keeping the streets lit in more ways than one.

Finally, as always, Mooncheddar Coffee is selling gallons upon gallons of its wildly popular butternut squash latté (#BSL) on a daily basis. Thankfully the butternut squash access pipeline installed in August 2016 has protected the Fauxhasset Mooncheddar store from #BSL droughts like it’s suffered in the past.

Still, the #BSL won’t be around for long before the pine-flavored Evergreen Mocha takes its place, so be sure to buy yours today – and recycle that cup, or suffer the wrath of GREG.