By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
The snow has settled since yesterday’s alien invasion, leaving Fauxhasset encrusted in glitter: it seems that the construction accident at Castle Girdelhausen has polluted not only the water supply, but the entire water cycle.
However, the glitter is the least of anyone’s concerns now that the aliens are here.
It was one thing when it was just ϨΔиϮα and whoever knocked up the mother of that faceless baby that Two Men And Their Dog adopted. Now, there are thousands of aliens, and each one has its own personal cyborg assistant.
Well, at least no one can complain about the unemployed androids anymore.
Speaking of silver linings, there was one other good thing that came out of the giant rift in space over Castle Girdlehausen. Shorty Lembas, the five-year-old child who was swallowed by a pothole on Achey Cedars Way last December, emerged with the alien procession – alive, unharmed, ten years older and five feet taller.
He was greeted by his big sister (now his little sister) Dooey Lembas, a third-grade student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.
Dooey seized her brother’s leg and bellowed, “What did they do to you? You’re not short anymore! This is baloney! I spent this whole year trying to save you, and what did you do? You went and got tall! This is some alien shenanigans for sure. We’ll get you sorted out and short again just like before.”
Angry as she might have been, Dooey could not be prized from Shorty’s leg for the duration of his interview with the Paroder.
Shorty reported that he had spent the past 10 years on the planet JELAMENA-8, where he would have starved or been eaten by monsters if the kindly aliens hadn’t found him and raised him as one of their own. He said that, because the aliens could take different shapes, they were able to discover his body’s needs and provide him with the appropriate nourishment and even care for him when he fell ill.
“Be good to them,” Shorty said. “I know they seem kinda weird at first, but they’re really nice.”
The Paroder caught up with Police Chief Stephen Quill to find out whether investigators had learned anything from Ord Girdlehyde (owner of Castle Girdlehausen, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor) and the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW), who allegedly conspired to open the portal and were arrested at the scene of the rift on Christmas Day.
Quill said the department is still trying to piece together exactly how the suspects opened the portal and how it might be closed. However, they believe that a velociraptor in their custody, which the LAW is claiming to be his service animal, may have played a bigger role than the LAW is letting on.
“Radiation State Park Senior Ranger Roc Rubble has informed us that the timeraptor and the velociraptor are two of the three biological sexes of raptor,” explained Quill. “We have reason to believe that a timeraptor has passed through town at least twice this year. Beyond that, it’s just basic math. Put one raptor over the other and you get the third: the lesser-known distance-raptor, a.k.a. the space-raptor, which is apparently capable of opening a rift just like the one we have here in town over Castle Girdlehausen.”
Town officials said they are considering launching an alien naturalization program to help these strangers learn to look, speak, and act like the rest of us.
“We’d prefer to see these invaders return to their home planet,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “But if they want to live among humans, that’s up to them – they just need to follow our local bylaws and cultural norms. That includes becoming legal citizens, taking a humanoid form, and of course, finding gainful employment so they can give back to our society.”
“If they can’t agree to that,” Tanager added, “then we’ll have to revisit the possibility of a forced relocation program. We hope it doesn’t come to that.”