Fauxhasset Paroder, 73rd Edition: Every Space Rift Has a Silver Lining

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The snow has settled since yesterday’s alien invasion, leaving Fauxhasset encrusted in glitter: it seems that the construction accident at Castle Girdelhausen has polluted not only the water supply, but the entire water cycle.

However, the glitter is the least of anyone’s concerns now that the aliens are here.

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The gateway to hell. Uh, JELAMENA-8, that is. Photo credit

It was one thing when it was just ϨΔиϮα and whoever knocked up the mother of that faceless baby that Two Men And Their Dog adopted. Now, there are thousands of aliens, and each one has its own personal cyborg assistant.

Well, at least no one can complain about the unemployed androids anymore.

Speaking of silver linings, there was one other good thing that came out of the giant rift in space over Castle Girdlehausen. Shorty Lembas, the five-year-old child who was swallowed by a pothole on Achey Cedars Way last December, emerged with the alien procession – alive, unharmed, ten years older and five feet taller.

He was greeted by his big sister (now his little sister) Dooey Lembas, a third-grade student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

Dooey seized her brother’s leg and bellowed, “What did they do to you? You’re not short anymore! This is baloney! I spent this whole year trying to save you, and what did you do? You went and got tall! This is some alien shenanigans for sure. We’ll get you sorted out and short again just like before.”

Angry as she might have been, Dooey could not be prized from Shorty’s leg for the duration of his interview with the Paroder.

Shorty reported that he had spent the past 10 years on the planet JELAMENA-8, where he would have starved or been eaten by monsters if the kindly aliens hadn’t found him and raised him as one of their own. He said that, because the aliens could take different shapes, they were able to discover his body’s needs and provide him with the appropriate nourishment and even care for him when he fell ill.

“Be good to them,” Shorty said. “I know they seem kinda weird at first, but they’re really nice.”

The Paroder caught up with Police Chief Stephen Quill to find out whether investigators had learned anything from Ord Girdlehyde (owner of Castle Girdlehausen, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor) and the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW), who allegedly conspired to open the portal and were arrested at the scene of the rift on Christmas Day.

Quill said the department is still trying to piece together exactly how the suspects opened the portal and how it might be closed. However, they believe that a velociraptor in their custody, which the LAW is claiming to be his service animal, may have played a bigger role than the LAW is letting on.

“Radiation State Park Senior Ranger Roc Rubble has informed us that the timeraptor and the velociraptor are two of the three biological sexes of raptor,” explained Quill. “We have reason to believe that a timeraptor has passed through town at least twice this year. Beyond that, it’s just basic math. Put one raptor over the other and you get the third: the lesser-known distance-raptor, a.k.a. the space-raptor, which is apparently capable of opening a rift just like the one we have here in town over Castle Girdlehausen.”

Town officials said they are considering launching an alien naturalization program to help these strangers learn to look, speak, and act like the rest of us.

“We’d prefer to see these invaders return to their home planet,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “But if they want to live among humans, that’s up to them – they just need to follow our local bylaws and cultural norms. That includes becoming legal citizens, taking a humanoid form, and of course, finding gainful employment so they can give back to our society.”

“If they can’t agree to that,” Tanager added, “then we’ll have to revisit the possibility of a forced relocation program. We hope it doesn’t come to that.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 55th Edition: Punxsutawney Punk’d, Part 7

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Read the Punxsutawney Punk’d saga from the beginning]

[Catch up on the latest installment]

Fauxsutawney Fil is finally gone, and his prisoners – your reporter and Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi, Part-Time Pirate, Part-Time Wandering Minstrel – freed.

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Fauxsutawney Fil with two of the deacons of his church, the Temple of RALPH – caught on flip phone camera by Orion Vanta. Photo credit

The Punxsutawney Phil impostor, claiming to be the reincarnation of the original groundhog RALPH, had set up a church of sorts within a dimensional rift at the heart of the Womp, which is now known to be the source of the strange womping sounds that can be heard in and around the state park at night.

Within the rift, woodland creatures became capable of human speech and were using their gift of tongues to sing praises to the omnipotent raccoon. But now the Temple of RALPH has fallen, and the false god sent back from whence he came (or at least to go be someone else’s problem for a while).

Your reporter and the full-time part-timer spent six days in Fil’s prison, eating scraps of food brought to us by the Womp’s friendly pig-bear and its cub. We feared that my last article had not reached the outside world and despaired of ever being saved.

But this morning, a rescue party came. Our heroes included Police Chief Stephen Quill, Two Men (looking for Their Dog), Fauxhasset newcomers Monica Moniker and Orion Vanta, ϨΔиϮα, Dooey Lembas, the Panic Brigade, and my colleague, Crime Correspondent Sobby Raint-John.

This motley crew charged into the moonlit clearing. Yes, it was moonlit in the morning. It was always moonlit, even when the sun was out. I shudder just to remember the cold, colorless light, the high, discordant keening of the stars, and always, the womp-womp-womp coming from we knew not where.

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The moon is not right in this place. Photo credit

The rescue squad fought their way through RALPH’s worshippers, each brandishing an indestructible porcupine that police had apparently confiscated from the Clandestine Auto Regulators (CAR) earlier in the week. The congregation scattered, and Fil fled down a scurry hole at the sight of the porcupines.

For their part, the porcupines gave a metallic gleam and a mechanical roar and pursued him, their quills spinning like tiny mammalian buzz saws. None emerged from the Accursed Burrow, though it took some time for the rescue squad to work out the strange locking mechanism of our prison.

Police and the Panic Brigade were unable to locate the LAW, who had been carried away by RALPH’s followers our first night in the rift, but Two Men were successfully reunited with Their Dog, who claimed he had been coaxed into the rift by the smell of frying bacon.

The Town is now working with Radiation State Park officials and paranormal consultants to determine how the rift may be closed or neutralized. The Womp will be closed to the public until further notice.