Fauxhasset Paroder, 72nd Edition: They Came from Outer Space

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Christmas presents weren’t the only thing that was opened in Fauxhasset this morning. There’s also a brand new space-time portal above Castle Girdlehausen that opened while Fauxhasset slept.

Residents awoke to a snowy Christmas morning, but not in quite the way they might have hoped: instead of falling out of the sky, the thick white flakes were falling upwards into the sky, all seemingly streaming toward a single point directly above the new Castle Girdlehausen in the Mecca Mile wetlands.

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“We made it!” exclaimed this unidentified alien in a Snapchat story sent to his home planet, JELAMENA-8. Photo credit

It was difficult to get very close, as the castle was heavily guarded by an army of cyborgs that hotelier Ord Girdlehyde had been generously hosting at the hotel until Town officials could figure out how to either employ them or get rid of them. There was also a very large exodus of very small, red-nosed reindeer underfoot that the gathering crowd was afraid to step on, thus keeping most onlookers at bay.

However, a close-up view was not needed, and may have been ill-advised anyway. The rift was clearly visible from afar, and when the Paroder arrived on the scene, a very strange procession indeed was emerging from the hole in space.

Aliens, readers. Tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, fat ones, green ones, purple ones, and (perhaps most upsetting of all) ones that looked just like us. Fauxhasset is no stranger to aliens, but this many all in one place and all at once – well, residents were rightfully concerned.

“Our tax dollars are supposed to protect us from this sort of thing,” boomed Larry Lembas, a former resident of Achey Cedars Way, which has been mostly abandoned since strange symbols were discovered on the street in July.

Lembas’s former neighbor Charles LeRouge swirled his red wine, sniffed, and agreed.

Paranormal investigator Buster DeGost had rushed to the scene in his bathrobe and was scribbling furiously on a map, which depicted the locations of every supernatural incident that had occurred around town for the past year.

DeGost calculated that the coordinates of the rift fell in the precise center of the Fauxhasset Triangle, a perfect equilateral triangle formed by three sites where strange markings painted in red were discovered earlier this year: the Achey Cedars Way cul de sac, the now-vacant property at 8 Lame Jane, and a cave on Fame Island where Punxsutawney Phil had been held prisoner last spring.

“Ah,” was all DeGost said as his pencil slowed and understanding dawned. “I should have known it would be here.”

By mid-morning, the police had arrived in helicopters, as well as a few private citizens whose helicopters were also stalling up in the airspace to watch the drama unfold. Ord Girdlehyde was taken into custody, along with the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) who was apparently in cahoots with him the whole time.

A velociraptor, which the LAW claims to be his “service animal,” is also being held at the police station while the investigation is ongoing.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 70th Edition: Faucets Spouting Sparkling Water

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Construction is well underway at Ord Girdlehyde’s new development, Castle Girdlehausen, despite neighbors’ best efforts to prevent the palatial hotel from being built – and by “well underway,” we mean “horribly, disastrously underway.” Murphy’s Law hangs heavy on this place.

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Om nom nom – mineral content. | Photo credit

Luckily for Girdlehyde, Murphy just happens to live a few towns over in Pemborke, so Girdlehyde called the old dog over to see if he could re-jigger the law in his favor. Sort of like how the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) re-jiggered the local wetlands bylaws in his favor last month.

Murphy, a French bulldog, rolled into town on a motorized skateboard on Saturday to bork his blessing upon the development. Knock on wood, nothing else has gone wrong since the good dog paid his visit.

However, even Murphy cannot undo the consequences of the past, so it still falls to the DPW and those idiots at Town Hall to resolve the issues that had previously arisen due to the construction project.

These issues include, but are not limited to, the impassibility of Mecca Mile due to ongoing construction at every single property as neighbors clamor to remain the most impressive structure on the block, and the pollution of the town’s groundwater with seemingly-infinite quantities of the world’s glitteriest glitter that were spilled at the work site last week and which have now made their way into residents’ hoses, sinks, showers and toilets.

“You do not understand the severity of the situation,” said Hess Jacket, a resident of the Peachhood neighborhood on the opposite side of town. Her lips produced small puffs of glitter with every hard consonant she pronounced.

“Our skin sparkles. Our sweat sparkles. Our pee sparkles,” Jacket said. “The shrubs are so sparkly we didn’t even have to put up Christmas lights this year. And these potatoes that took root in our pantry – see, when we cut them open, they were full of glitter. My kids can’t eat that.”

Citizens who are experiencing glittery water should contact the Fenclave. President Jimmy Garoppolo reports that enterprising students have been collecting the excess glitter and shipping it around the country in the form of festive décor, vengeance glitter bombs, and proprietary “sparkling” water.

“It’s organic af,” said Speaker of the Fenclave, Shannon Blackstone.

Fortunately, Mecca Mile residents are suffering slightly less, despite the blockade of construction along their street. Many have left town for their winter homes around the globe. Those who remain reported that they are quite happy and comfortable, and send their gratitude to Serengeti CEO Beff Jezus for sending their groceries and other packages by drone.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 66th Edition: GOSH Darnit

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) should have booked a bigger meeting room for their Monday night meeting, the agenda of which was dedicated to a proposed development in the heart of the wetlands bordered by Mecca Mile, Atlantis Boulevard and Sand Street.

Local business owner Ord Girdlehyde plans to construct a castle on the site to supplement the rooms available at his Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) on the harbor, which Girdlehyde said is frequently too full of displaced Fauxhasset residents in need of short-term housing to accommodate any actual paying guests.

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Girdlehyde swears the castle will be “tasteful and attractive,” not “stark and military.” | Photo credit

The new establishment will be called the Girdlehausen. Abutters turned out in droves to object to the development, calling the structure an “eyesore” and an “attractive nuisance for the children.”

Neighbors are trying to act like they are upset about the potential environmental impact of the project, the flagrant disregard of local wetlands bylaws, the reputation for late-night noise at Girdlehyde’s other establishments, and of course, as ever, the dearth of parking in town.

“Our children go to bed at 6:30 p.m.,” said one woman at the GOSH meeting. “Our friends on the harbor tell us that Ord’s coyote tenants are up playing that techno music until three in the morning on a regular basis. Now he wants to bring that noise to another neighborhood? That isn’t Fauxhasset. Ord just wants to make money. He doesn’t care about us, our children, or our town. He’s not even here tonight.”

Girdlehyde responded via Skype from his fall home in the Appalachian Mountains.

“First of all, I am hurt that you say I am not here tonight,” Girdlehyde said. “I am very much here. I am speaking right now, as you can see.”

“Secondly,” Girdlehyde went on, “the coyotes are not tenants. Like the others staying at the hotel, they are simply displaced; I am doing them a favor. The hotel is not their legal address; they are simply staying with me until they can settle some issues with their permanent residence.”

“Finally,” Girdlehyde concluded, “a correction of terms. The music they are playing – it is not techno. This is not 1997. These are cutting-edge artists – visionaries! Very popular in Germany and the Arctic. They would be hurt to hear you say ‘techno.’”

Be that as it may, noise was ostensibly one of the reigning concerns among Mecca Mile area residents who attended the meeting on Monday. But we all know that their true fear is that Girdlehyde’s castle will upstage their mansions, forcing them to continue building up and out to remain the most glamorous property in the neighborhood.

Good luck with that, since Girdlehyde has partnered with painter Stuart Semple – inventor of the world’s glitteriest glitter, who has a vacation home in Fauxhasset – to develop a custom paint for the castle’s exterior. It’s likely that even Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes will be put to shame.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.