Fauxhasset Paroder, 66th Edition: GOSH Darnit

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) should have booked a bigger meeting room for their Monday night meeting, the agenda of which was dedicated to a proposed development in the heart of the wetlands bordered by Mecca Mile, Atlantis Boulevard and Sand Street.

Local business owner Ord Girdlehyde plans to construct a castle on the site to supplement the rooms available at his Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) on the harbor, which Girdlehyde said is frequently too full of displaced Fauxhasset residents in need of short-term housing to accommodate any actual paying guests.

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Girdlehyde swears the castle will be “tasteful and attractive,” not “stark and military.” | Photo credit

The new establishment will be called the Girdlehausen. Abutters turned out in droves to object to the development, calling the structure an “eyesore” and an “attractive nuisance for the children.”

Neighbors are trying to act like they are upset about the potential environmental impact of the project, the flagrant disregard of local wetlands bylaws, the reputation for late-night noise at Girdlehyde’s other establishments, and of course, as ever, the dearth of parking in town.

“Our children go to bed at 6:30 p.m.,” said one woman at the GOSH meeting. “Our friends on the harbor tell us that Ord’s coyote tenants are up playing that techno music until three in the morning on a regular basis. Now he wants to bring that noise to another neighborhood? That isn’t Fauxhasset. Ord just wants to make money. He doesn’t care about us, our children, or our town. He’s not even here tonight.”

Girdlehyde responded via Skype from his fall home in the Appalachian Mountains.

“First of all, I am hurt that you say I am not here tonight,” Girdlehyde said. “I am very much here. I am speaking right now, as you can see.”

“Secondly,” Girdlehyde went on, “the coyotes are not tenants. Like the others staying at the hotel, they are simply displaced; I am doing them a favor. The hotel is not their legal address; they are simply staying with me until they can settle some issues with their permanent residence.”

“Finally,” Girdlehyde concluded, “a correction of terms. The music they are playing – it is not techno. This is not 1997. These are cutting-edge artists – visionaries! Very popular in Germany and the Arctic. They would be hurt to hear you say ‘techno.’”

Be that as it may, noise was ostensibly one of the reigning concerns among Mecca Mile area residents who attended the meeting on Monday. But we all know that their true fear is that Girdlehyde’s castle will upstage their mansions, forcing them to continue building up and out to remain the most glamorous property in the neighborhood.

Good luck with that, since Girdlehyde has partnered with painter Stuart Semple – inventor of the world’s glitteriest glitter, who has a vacation home in Fauxhasset – to develop a custom paint for the castle’s exterior. It’s likely that even Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes will be put to shame.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 60th Edition: 8 Lame Jane’s Condos Out of the Frying Pan

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Tragedy struck Fauxhasset village this week when, despite the rainy weather, the entire development at 8 Lame Jane’s suddenly and inexplicably burst into flames. Thankfully, no one was harmed, as no one had yet moved in to the ultra-luxury condo units.

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Is this…. not how fire normally looks? Photo credit

In fact, due to bureaucratic delays last winter and the Thousand-Inch Snow last spring, the development had only just been completed. The last construction vehicle had barely rolled off the property before the whole endeavor went up like a Roman candle in a 19th-century office full of newspapers. (And we should know. On a side note, back issues of the Paroder are now available only in digital form – we apologize for the inconvenience.)

On the scene nearly as fast as the firefighters was Father Mumblehill of the Flaxen-Mary Abbey and five young protégés from his fall “Egyptology 101” class, the whole lot of them bearing crucifixes and urging onlookers to repent.

“Ishtar has opened the gates to the realm of the dead,” one student explained as he wept and repeatedly mashed handfuls of white marble stone dust from the driveway into his hair. “The zombies are coming now. Repent, and maybe binge watch The Walking Dead while you still can.”

Neighbors are panicking, with several packing up their things and heading to the Mad Elephant Hotel on the harbor, where the generous owner Ord Girdlehyde is always happy to provide rooms free of charge for residents displaced by acts of gods, demons, aliens, ghosts, and other supernatural forces.

Officials are doing their best to settle everyone down.

“There are no zombies!” roared Fire Chief Harlan Dowser. “No demons, no gods – just regular old arsons, that’s all we’ve got here. Go on home and let us clean up.”

Gradually, people did go home, but judging by the lack of available bandwidth around here tonight, I’d say most of them were listening to the stone dust kid and not the Fire Chief.

With so much rain in recent days, Dowser said it was unlikely that the buildings had caught fire from something as innocent as an electrical spark or a carelessly-tossed cigarette butt. Even if such an incident had started the fire, he said, it would not have affected all four buildings (12 units total), and they would not have gone up as quickly as they did, nor burned so thoroughly.

Yet that is exactly why Mumblehill and his minions suspect a supernatural element. “Wouldn’t you say the buildings went up… unnaturally fast?” Mumblehill challenged the Fire Chief.

Police removed him and his students from the scene and returned them to the abbey and the Fenclave, respectively. No charges were pressed. Developer J.J. Henry could not be found for comment, but contractors leaving the scene assured us he was not on the property at the time of the incident.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Demons? Aliens? No, just teenagers.

Dear Editor,

As strange symbols continue to proliferate across town, the Fauxhasset Paroder has been treating these incidents like a particularly mystifying chapter of The Hardy Boys. This must stop. You are only encouraging them.

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So threatening! Poor Mr. Henry shouldn’t have to clean up this mess. Photo credit

Since 1952, my husband and I— well, truth be told, my husband is no longer with us, so it is just “I” now, but regardless… for all those intervening years, I have lived across from what is now the Lame Jane development, and I can assure you that the “otherworldly diagram” painted in the basement was the work of hooligans and juvenile delinquents.

Before Mr. Henry purchased the property, my husband (who served in the Great War as well as the Fauxston Police Department – he had very keen blue eyes, broad shoulders, a good, sturdy handshake, and a nose for when something wasn’t right, which is how he came to bring this matter to my attention) – he and I used to see teenagers trespassing in the condemned house on that lot at least once a month. I guarantee that the images in Mr. Henry’s basement and in the cave on Mr. Donne’s island were created by the same.

The troubled youths used to spend hours in the crumbling house, probably drinking cheap vodka and smoking that Mary Jane when they should have been home helping their mothers with the dishes. To create such upsetting and occult imagery on someone else’s property certainly must have required the influence of very serious substances – perhaps even, as my husband (a God-fearing man) used to say, “Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll.”

We had reason to believe these hoodlums were engaged in all three. They thought we couldn’t see them, lighting the way with only the pale blue glow of their cordless telephone screens, but we saw everything: the strange shadows, the flickering lights, the silhouettes of flailing limbs, all to the screeching and pounding of that electronic noise that kids these days are calling “music.”

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Should’ve been home studying. Photo credit

Now that their old hideaway’s gone, is it any wonder these reprobates sought out – and evidently found – other dark corners from whence to practice their heathenry? It hardly matters to them whether they trash Mr. Henry’s good name, or anyone else’s, in the process.

It’s not right, and something ought to be done about it. Mr. Henry is such a nice man who is trying to do great and noble things for our humble village district. Rather than blaming gods, demons, or aliens for this vandalism, I urge the Fauxhasset Police (and perhaps a few local parents, as well!) to look a little closer to home for the culprits and to furnish the emotional and psychological help that these children so clearly need, before it is too late.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen