Fauxhasset Paroder, 60th Edition: 8 Lame Jane’s Condos Out of the Frying Pan

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Tragedy struck Fauxhasset village this week when, despite the rainy weather, the entire development at 8 Lame Jane’s suddenly and inexplicably burst into flames. Thankfully, no one was harmed, as no one had yet moved in to the ultra-luxury condo units.

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Is this…. not how fire normally looks? Photo credit

In fact, due to bureaucratic delays last winter and the Thousand-Inch Snow last spring, the development had only just been completed. The last construction vehicle had barely rolled off the property before the whole endeavor went up like a Roman candle in a 19th-century office full of newspapers. (And we should know. On a side note, back issues of the Paroder are now available only in digital form – we regret apologize for the inconvenience.)

On the scene nearly as fast as the firefighters was Father Mumblehill of the Flaxen-Mary Abbey and five young protégés from his fall “Egyptology 101” class, the whole lot of them bearing crucifixes and urging onlookers to repent.

“Ishtar has opened the gates to the realm of the dead,” one student explained as he wept and repeatedly mashed handfuls of white marble stone dust from the driveway into his hair. “The zombies are coming now. Repent, and maybe binge watch The Walking Dead while you still can.”

Neighbors are panicking, with several packing up their things and heading to the Mad Elephant Hotel on the harbor, where the generous owner Ord Girdlehyde is always happy to provide rooms free of charge for residents displaced by acts of gods, demons, aliens, ghosts, and other supernatural forces.

Officials are doing their best to settle everyone down.

“There are no zombies!” roared Fire Chief Harlan Dowser. “No demons, no gods – just regular old arsons, that’s all we’ve got here. Go on home and let us clean up.”

Gradually, people did go home, but judging by the lack of available bandwidth around here tonight, I’d say most of them were listening to the stone dust kid and not the Fire Chief.

With so much rain in recent days, Dowser said it was unlikely that the buildings had caught fire from something as innocent as an electrical spark or a carelessly-tossed cigarette butt. Even if such an incident had started the fire, he said, it would not have affected all four buildings (12 units total), and they would not have gone up as quickly as they did, nor burned so thoroughly.

Yet that is exactly why Mumblehill and his minions suspect a supernatural element. “Wouldn’t you say the buildings went up… unnaturally fast?” Mumblehill challenged the Fire Chief.

Police removed him and his students from the scene and returned them to the abbey and the Fenclave, respectively. No charges were pressed. Developer J.J. Henry could not be found for comment, but contractors leaving the scene assured us he was not on the property at the time of the incident.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

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Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Demons? Aliens? No, just teenagers.

Dear Editor,

As strange symbols continue to proliferate across town, the Fauxhasset Paroder has been treating these incidents like a particularly mystifying chapter of The Hardy Boys. This must stop. You are only encouraging them.

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So threatening! Poor Mr. Henry shouldn’t have to clean up this mess. Photo credit

Since 1952, my husband and I— well, truth be told, my husband is no longer with us, so it is just “I” now, but regardless… for all those intervening years, I have lived across from what is now the Lame Jane development, and I can assure you that the “otherworldly diagram” painted in the basement was the work of hooligans and juvenile delinquents.

Before Mr. Henry purchased the property, my husband (who served in the Great War as well as the Fauxston Police Department – he had very keen blue eyes, broad shoulders, a good, sturdy handshake, and a nose for when something wasn’t right, which is how he came to bring this matter to my attention) – he and I used to see teenagers trespassing in the condemned house on that lot at least once a month. I guarantee that the images in Mr. Henry’s basement and in the cave on Mr. Donne’s island were created by the same.

The troubled youths used to spend hours in the crumbling house, probably drinking cheap vodka and smoking that Mary Jane when they should have been home helping their mothers with the dishes. To create such upsetting and occult imagery on someone else’s property certainly must have required the influence of very serious substances – perhaps even, as my husband (a God-fearing man) used to say, “Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll.”

We had reason to believe these hoodlums were engaged in all three. They thought we couldn’t see them, lighting the way with only the pale blue glow of their cordless telephone screens, but we saw everything: the strange shadows, the flickering lights, the silhouettes of flailing limbs, all to the screeching and pounding of that electronic noise that kids these days are calling “music.”

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Should’ve been home studying. Photo credit

Now that their old hideaway’s gone, is it any wonder these reprobates sought out – and evidently found – other dark corners from whence to practice their heathenry? It hardly matters to them whether they trash Mr. Henry’s good name, or anyone else’s, in the process.

It’s not right, and something ought to be done about it. Mr. Henry is such a nice man who is trying to do great and noble things for our humble village district. Rather than blaming gods, demons, or aliens for this vandalism, I urge the Fauxhasset Police (and perhaps a few local parents, as well!) to look a little closer to home for the culprits and to furnish the emotional and psychological help that these children so clearly need, before it is too late.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen

Fauxhasset Paroder, 33rd Edition: Fame? More like INFAMY Island

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously at Fame Island]

Fauxhasset thought it couldn’t get any worse when Fame Island owner Zohn Donne proposed to build a theme park on the precious coastal habitat. And Donne thought it couldn’t get any worse when the town told him “no.” They were both wrong.

The Alien ϨΔиϮα has now purchased Fame Island, including the partially-constructed Fame Gallery of Fame. To what end, no one is certain, and perhaps no one can truly fathom the designs of this foreign mind. Alien ϨΔиϮα, however, says he just wants to build a house.

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Instead of a kale roller coaster, Fame Island will now become “home” to something far more troubling: an illegal alien. Photo credit

“Since my arrival on your Holy Day, I have been dwelling in my spacecraft, parked beneath the Hoarder Street Bridge,” said Alien ϨΔиϮα. “Beautiful spot, I say. But I am told that beneath a bridge is not the traditional place to make one’s home in this community.”

“Additionally, the police kept leaving me these attractive orange notes,” continued Alien ϨΔиϮα, “which I now know to be parking tickets. I had collected 38 of them before their true meaning and purpose were revealed to me by an amicable couple walking their dog nearby.”

Neighbors say they don’t want to look across the Harborception and see some shiny metal space-house sticking out above the trees.

“Not only is it ugly – it could blind someone if the sun reflects off it at the wrong angle!” said one neighbor. “And if you thought Zohn’s upcycled kale was a bad building material, imagine the impact a huge metal structure would have on stormwater runoff.”

Donne thought the neighbors were overreacting – “As usual,” he said.

“I’ve spoken with ϨΔиϮα and he doesn’t intend anything so grandiose,” said Donne. “If the neighbors would just speak to him and give him a chance, they’d know that. ϨΔиϮα is working with a skilled local architect to design a home big enough for himself and, maybe one day, a dog. It’s exactly what they were trying to get me to do with the property.”

Donne said he felt kind of bad about handing off the neighbor problem to the new guy in town.

“He won’t know what hit him,” said Donne. “But he was the only one who made an offer on the property, and my family and I needed to wash our hands of it.”

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore, and Harbor (GOSH), the committee that approves or denies projects that could impact the wetlands, is “cautiously optimistic” about ϨΔиϮα’s application.

“Like everyone in town, we’d love to see an end to the controversy over Fame Island,” the chairperson said in a statement.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.