Fauxhasset Paroder, 97th Edition: Extra! Extra! Extraterrestrials

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The aliens have saved the day! Every alien family has adopted one of Fauxhasset’s 3,000-plus spare cats, which were previously being housed in the local library due to insufficient space at the animal shelter.

Granted, it took months of careful manipulation to convince them, but the aliens now believe that the cats are actually dogs and that adopting them has made them more American. Now, at last, the library can be used for more bookish purposes again.

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Actually the aliens were easy to convince. The hardest part was convincing the cats they were dogs. | Photo credit

The library held a grand reopening last weekend. For the first time since the aliens arrived, some of Fauxhasset’s human children were allowed to mingle with the newcomers. Much to everyone’s surprise, the human and alien children interacted as if there were no difference between them.

“I must say it was… shocking. Unsettling, even,” said one young father, while his four-year-old son played a game of “Duck, Duck, Goose” with seven other humans and eight aliens, facilitated by HUMAN Society founder Devan Branch. “It was like they couldn’t even tell the difference.”

That, according to Branch, is the whole point of HUMAN, a support group he created for the purpose of “Helping the Unearthly Masses Acclimate to the Newworld.”

“They are just like us,” Branch said. “They live in Fauxhasset, they pay taxes, their kids go to school here. They pay for the color-coded dump bags, just like us. Their android au pairs have to display beach stickers just like everyone else’s. Just like you and me, they circle the soccer fields on Saturdays looking for a spot to park. They too must floss the glitter out from between their teeth after brushing. They just need a little help understanding some things that long-time townies take for granted.”

For instance, said Branch, we all know that families are legally obligated to display stick figure renditions of themselves on the rear windshield of their cars: Mom, Dad, little Johnny with his football, little Susie in her tutu, little Fido with his collar and bone.

It was necessary to explain this to the aliens, and they still have not quite grasped the requirement. Their windshields seem to depict an awful lot of eyeballs, tentacles, and general gooiness that comes altogether too close in appearance to the extra fat that locals have paid so much to liposuction off.

“It’s a work in progress,” Branch said breezily. “They’ve already learned so much.”

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Ϩΐʛɧ£ΐϨα claims to have been smiling for the artist when this stick figure rendition was created. | Photo credit

The students of the Fenclave have embraced the alien culture – especially its bizarre and extravagant sense of fashion – wholeheartedly.

“These extraterrestrials are, like, super extra,” said Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone. “But I love it. Look, my friend ϾΐиᴆεяεŁŁα replaced my hair with fiber optics! We’re going into business together. Our Alienwear fall cosmetics line will be for sale online in a couple of weeks.”

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A sneak peek at the fall cosmetics line from Alienwear. | Photo credit

“Don’t get me wrong,” said an anonymous mom whose fifth-grader was seen trading shoes with one of the aliens at the library’s grand reopening – a pair of pink Crocs for a pair of bedazzled crocodile skulls. “I think it’s great for the kids to be exposed to other cultures. But I admit I’m a little worried about what my daughter is learning from them.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 85th Edition: How To Be A Human 101

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Over the weekend, 1,000 of Fauxhasset’s newest residents crowded into the Waffle House for a conference retreat hosted by the Helping the Unearthly Masses Acclimate to the Newworld (HUMAN) Society. The retreat was organized by Jedi Master Devan Branch, former full-time part-timer.

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Quick, pretend to be human! | Photo credit

Branch founded the HUMAN Society this spring to help the 8,000 illegal aliens who moved to town in January after an interdimensional portal opened in the sky over the wetlands.

The aliens say they’re happy here and don’t wish to leave, calling it “the most perfect place in the universe” (and they aren’t wrong). However, they clearly have no idea how to live like us or among us, and that incongruity is taking its toll on the rightful residents of our fine town.

The weekend was dedicated to teaching newcomers the necessary skills for surviving in Earth society – and, more specifically, in the very unique and special society of Fauxhasset, which as we all know is in a league of its own.

On Friday evening, Branch taught the aliens the essentials of coming and going – rule number one being “Never go out past 9:00 p.m.” Nothing good can happen after 9:00 p.m., even (or especially) if that infernal Waffle House stays open all night long.

Branch also taught that it is necessary to pick a side in the ongoing Grocery Wars. While the HUMAN Society will not prevent or punish anyone for choosing Cop & GOP over Gnaws, he said, they cannot abide a flip-flopper who just shops willy-nilly wherever the fancy strikes him.

On Saturday, the aliens learned about the importance of appearances.

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Yeah, just like that! Perfect! | Photo credit

The art of appearance is not just about hiding one’s green skin, tentacles, or excess features and appendages (defined as “more than two” for all features and appendages besides the nose and mouth, of which there should be one each, no more, no less).

But appearances are so much more than that, said Branch. It’s about the car you drive, the kids that your kids hang out with at school, and the tiny embroidered logo on the pocket of your polo shirt (appropriate images include a man riding a horse, a smiling whale, or a very smol alligator, no teeth).

It’s about volunteering for all the right causes. Never mind showing up, Branch added; the important thing is that your name is attached to something bigger than yourself, and everyone can see that.

It is about the state of your lawn, Fauxhasset! We all know how important it is to take care of one’s lawn. Nine tenths of neighbor relations boil down to adequate lawncare.

On Sunday, Branch wrapped up the conference up with family talk.

Aliens had an opportunity to practice the art of the humble kid-brag in live simulations. A volunteer artist was on site creating custom vinyl stick figure decals for the aliens to put on their vehicles so that everyone else can see exactly what their family looks like and enjoys.

Finally, Branch concluded, if all else fails, try adopting a dog – “It will give you something to talk about,” he said.

A representative from the local animal shelter was outside, trying to pass off some of Fauxhasset’s excess cats as dogs to the unwitting adopters. 400 “dogs” found their way into forever homes and forever hearts that day.

“There’s a lot about this town that we take for granted,” Branch told the Paroder in an exclusive interview. “Even other humans are confused by us. Whether or not Fauxhasset is ‘the most perfect place in the universe’ as the aliens believe it to be, it’s definitely one of the most unique places in the universe. Climbing that learning curve isn’t easy, even – or especially – if you have a spaceship.”

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: The Sobby Story Of Sobby Raint-John

Dear Editor,

I read the paper last week and saw that stupid letter that claimed I was lost in the Waffle House. Yeah, no. First, can you say propaganda? Second, that place is a miracle. Third, I did not disappear and I’m pretty sure there has been crime in Fauxhasset. But, you see, I’m the one who has been filling in for all 26 or whatever number of jobs Devan Branch used to have since he became a full-time Jedi and started the HUMAN Society. I just don’t have the time or energy to write about anything right now.

The last few weeks or months or something have been filled with constant on-the-job training. Devin was the Rookie Ranger for the Womp and now that responsibility has fallen on me. That place is such a mess without him, and with it being mid-summer ALL THE TIME now (thanks, Fauxsutawney Fil), it requires SO MUCH attention. I’m pretty sure I have Lime Disease again too. No, not Lyme Disease. Lime Disease. Like Scurvy. Because Devan was ALSO a part-time PIRATE.

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WHERE’S MY KINDLY JEDI MASTER, DEVAN BRANCH??? | Photo credit

Let’s also not forget that Devan was a part-time Jedi. I’ll be honest, that’s the only reason I’m doing all this. Once he was promoted, I got his old training light saber. But, there are like a million questions I have that nobody can answer. How long does the battery on this take to charge? I’ve left it plugged in for like 48 hours and I still don’t know how to turn it on. Is it safe? Can I take it on a plane or does it have one of those banned lithium-ion batteries?

And oh yeah, did any of you remember that Devan was a part-time minstrel, too? I sure didn’t when I volunteered for to fill his shoes! The only reason I had time to write this letter is I’m going to use it for the song I am working on right now. Verbatim.

I wake up in a cold sweat everyday because I’m sure I forgot to go to one of the dozens of jobs he had. Devan. HOW DID YOU DO IT ALL?!? AM I GETTING PAID FOR ANY OF THIS?

Sincerely, miserably, and with the utmost respect and exhaustion,
Sobby Raint-John