By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Over the weekend, 1,000 of Fauxhasset’s newest residents crowded into the Waffle House for a conference retreat hosted by the Helping the Unearthly Masses Acclimate to the Newworld (HUMAN) Society. The retreat was organized by Jedi Master Devan Branch, former full-time part-timer.
Branch founded the HUMAN Society this spring to help the 8,000 illegal aliens who moved to town in January after an interdimensional portal opened in the sky over the wetlands.
The aliens say they’re happy here and don’t wish to leave, calling it “the most perfect place in the universe” (and they aren’t wrong). However, they clearly have no idea how to live like us or among us, and that incongruity is taking its toll on the rightful residents of our fine town.
The weekend was dedicated to teaching newcomers the necessary skills for surviving in Earth society – and, more specifically, in the very unique and special society of Fauxhasset, which as we all know is in a league of its own.
On Friday evening, Branch taught the aliens the essentials of coming and going – rule number one being “Never go out past 9:00 p.m.” Nothing good can happen after 9:00 p.m., even (or especially) if that infernal Waffle House stays open all night long.
Branch also taught that it is necessary to pick a side in the ongoing Grocery Wars. While the HUMAN Society will not prevent or punish anyone for choosing Cop & GOP over Gnaws, he said, they cannot abide a flip-flopper who just shops willy-nilly wherever the fancy strikes him.
On Saturday, the aliens learned about the importance of appearances.
The art of appearance is not just about hiding one’s green skin, tentacles, or excess features and appendages (defined as “more than two” for all features and appendages besides the nose and mouth, of which there should be one each, no more, no less).
But appearances are so much more than that, said Branch. It’s about the car you drive, the kids that your kids hang out with at school, and the tiny embroidered logo on the pocket of your polo shirt (appropriate images include a man riding a horse, a smiling whale, or a very smol alligator, no teeth).
It’s about volunteering for all the right causes. Never mind showing up, Branch added; the important thing is that your name is attached to something bigger than yourself, and everyone can see that.
It is about the state of your lawn, Fauxhasset! We all know how important it is to take care of one’s lawn. Nine tenths of neighbor relations boil down to adequate lawncare.
On Sunday, Branch wrapped up the conference up with family talk.
Aliens had an opportunity to practice the art of the humble kid-brag in live simulations. A volunteer artist was on site creating custom vinyl stick figure decals for the aliens to put on their vehicles so that everyone else can see exactly what their family looks like and enjoys.
Finally, Branch concluded, if all else fails, try adopting a dog – “It will give you something to talk about,” he said.
A representative from the local animal shelter was outside, trying to pass off some of Fauxhasset’s excess cats as dogs to the unwitting adopters. 400 “dogs” found their way into forever homes and forever hearts that day.
“There’s a lot about this town that we take for granted,” Branch told the Paroder in an exclusive interview. “Even other humans are confused by us. Whether or not Fauxhasset is ‘the most perfect place in the universe’ as the aliens believe it to be, it’s definitely one of the most unique places in the universe. Climbing that learning curve isn’t easy, even – or especially – if you have a spaceship.”