Fauxhasset Paroder, 85th Edition: How To Be A Human 101

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Over the weekend, 1,000 of Fauxhasset’s newest residents crowded into the Waffle House for a conference retreat hosted by the Helping the Unearthly Masses Acclimate to the Newworld (HUMAN) Society. The retreat was organized by Jedi Master Devan Branch, former full-time part-timer.

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Quick, pretend to be human! | Photo credit

Branch founded the HUMAN Society this spring to help the 8,000 illegal aliens who moved to town in January after an interdimensional portal opened in the sky over the wetlands.

The aliens say they’re happy here and don’t wish to leave, calling it “the most perfect place in the universe” (and they aren’t wrong). However, they clearly have no idea how to live like us or among us, and that incongruity is taking its toll on the rightful residents of our fine town.

The weekend was dedicated to teaching newcomers the necessary skills for surviving in Earth society – and, more specifically, in the very unique and special society of Fauxhasset, which as we all know is in a league of its own.

On Friday evening, Branch taught the aliens the essentials of coming and going – rule number one being “Never go out past 9:00 p.m.” Nothing good can happen after 9:00 p.m., even (or especially) if that infernal Waffle House stays open all night long.

Branch also taught that it is necessary to pick a side in the ongoing Grocery Wars. While the HUMAN Society will not prevent or punish anyone for choosing Cop & GOP over Gnaws, he said, they cannot abide a flip-flopper who just shops willy-nilly wherever the fancy strikes him.

On Saturday, the aliens learned about the importance of appearances.

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Yeah, just like that! Perfect! | Photo credit

The art of appearance is not just about hiding one’s green skin, tentacles, or excess features and appendages (defined as “more than two” for all features and appendages besides the nose and mouth, of which there should be one each, no more, no less).

But appearances are so much more than that, said Branch. It’s about the car you drive, the kids that your kids hang out with at school, and the tiny embroidered logo on the pocket of your polo shirt (appropriate images include a man riding a horse, a smiling whale, or a very smol alligator, no teeth).

It’s about volunteering for all the right causes. Never mind showing up, Branch added; the important thing is that your name is attached to something bigger than yourself, and everyone can see that.

It is about the state of your lawn, Fauxhasset! We all know how important it is to take care of one’s lawn. Nine tenths of neighbor relations boil down to adequate lawncare.

On Sunday, Branch wrapped up the conference up with family talk.

Aliens had an opportunity to practice the art of the humble kid-brag in live simulations. A volunteer artist was on site creating custom vinyl stick figure decals for the aliens to put on their vehicles so that everyone else can see exactly what their family looks like and enjoys.

Finally, Branch concluded, if all else fails, try adopting a dog – “It will give you something to talk about,” he said.

A representative from the local animal shelter was outside, trying to pass off some of Fauxhasset’s excess cats as dogs to the unwitting adopters. 400 “dogs” found their way into forever homes and forever hearts that day.

“There’s a lot about this town that we take for granted,” Branch told the Paroder in an exclusive interview. “Even other humans are confused by us. Whether or not Fauxhasset is ‘the most perfect place in the universe’ as the aliens believe it to be, it’s definitely one of the most unique places in the universe. Climbing that learning curve isn’t easy, even – or especially – if you have a spaceship.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: The Sobby Story Of Sobby Raint-John

Dear Editor,

I read the paper last week and saw that stupid letter that claimed I was lost in the Waffle House. Yeah, no. First, can you say propaganda? Second, that place is a miracle. Third, I did not disappear and I’m pretty sure there has been crime in Fauxhasset. But, you see, I’m the one who has been filling in for all 26 or whatever number of jobs Devan Branch used to have since he became a full-time Jedi and started the HUMAN Society. I just don’t have the time or energy to write about anything right now.

The last few weeks or months or something have been filled with constant on-the-job training. Devin was the Rookie Ranger for the Womp and now that responsibility has fallen on me. That place is such a mess without him, and with it being mid-summer ALL THE TIME now (thanks, Fauxsutawney Fil), it requires SO MUCH attention. I’m pretty sure I have Lime Disease again too. No, not Lyme Disease. Lime Disease. Like Scurvy. Because Devan was ALSO a part-time PIRATE.

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WHERE’S MY KINDLY JEDI MASTER, DEVAN BRANCH??? | Photo credit

Let’s also not forget that Devan was a part-time Jedi. I’ll be honest, that’s the only reason I’m doing all this. Once he was promoted, I got his old training light saber. But, there are like a million questions I have that nobody can answer. How long does the battery on this take to charge? I’ve left it plugged in for like 48 hours and I still don’t know how to turn it on. Is it safe? Can I take it on a plane or does it have one of those banned lithium-ion batteries?

And oh yeah, did any of you remember that Devan was a part-time minstrel, too? I sure didn’t when I volunteered for to fill his shoes! The only reason I had time to write this letter is I’m going to use it for the song I am working on right now. Verbatim.

I wake up in a cold sweat everyday because I’m sure I forgot to go to one of the dozens of jobs he had. Devan. HOW DID YOU DO IT ALL?!? AM I GETTING PAID FOR ANY OF THIS?

Sincerely, miserably, and with the utmost respect and exhaustion,
Sobby Raint-John

Fauxhasset Paroder, 80th Edition: Alien social club hogs satellite parking

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police arrested no less than 57 aliens for “suspicious activity” at the Waffle House on Friday.

Witnesses said their large numbers suggested the aliens were plotting something – on top of which, their spaceships were taking up all the parking spots in the satellite lot, leaving none for employees or rightful residents who may have needed to park there.

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Is this how alien jail feels? More like “Loser Every Time.” | Photo credit

Witnesses furthermore surmised that an illegal party must be taking place and that the large group of aliens were likely intoxicated after spending their Friday night at the Waffle House.

Police said that none of the aliens had been drinking, and there were no signs of a party inside the establishment – “Just gleaming golden squares of carbs, steaming under the heat lamps, some with melted chocolate shimmering on their edges, encrusted with rainbow sprinkles; others with ruby-red strawberry jam pooling in their crevices and clouds of whipped cream resting on top – uh, who were we arresting, again?”

Aliens on the scene told the Paroder that they were just chatting while returning to their vehicles after dining at the Waffle House. They said they had not raised their voices and were surprised to hear that witnesses and neighbors were upset.

They were even more surprised to find themselves handcuffed over it.

“They could have just asked us to keep it down,” said one alien, which had taken the form of a tall, red-haired man in a green vest. “We are trying to learn your ways and live among you as respectful neighbors. It is important for people to tell us when we are not achieving this so we can do better.”

Last to emerge from the Waffle House was Full-Time Jedi Devan Branch. Witnesses gasped audibly at the sight of this formerly upstanding young man, one-time Radiation State Park rookie ranger, an accomplished Gryphon Scout, and a renowned wandering minstrel, keeping such company.

Branch apologized for upsetting the neighbors and vouched for the handcuffed aliens, saying that they had been conducting a cultural education session as part of his new “JELAMENA-8/Earth Relations Initiative and Cultural Orientation” (or JERICO) Program.

Branch said the club had not realized its meeting had been loud enough to bother anybody.

“They could have just asked us to keep it down,” said Branch. “These folks are trying to learn our ways and live among us as respectful neighbors. It’s important for people to tell them when they’re not achieving that so they can do better.”

Police let Branch off with a warning and ordered him to register his social club properly with the Town before conducting further meetings.

After reviewing security footage that showed no noise violations or disruptive activity, police released the 57 aliens in custody on Monday with deepest apologies and a promise that, whenever the next meeting took place, waffles were on the department.