Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: O.K.O.K. Not O.K.

Hey Fauxhasset, can we have a serious chat for just a second? Since the O.K.O.K. Café closed, there have been a lot of so-so eateries in and out of that location. Some of us were even content with every one of them (I’m looking at you Chompsky), but really? A Waffle House?

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Darth Vader is serving up his own son’s hand on a platter, and you want me to believe this place isn’t a den of evil sickos? | Photo credit

I don’t care if it’s some kind of interdimensional Waffle House wishing well. Just because a cat has kittens in the oven doesn’t make them biscuits; a Waffle House is still a Waffle House, and that makes it a gateway to more than just waffles – it’s a gateway to drugs and crime.

This Waffle House in particular is a gateway to extraterrestrial drugs, interdimensional crime, and literally who knows where?! In February we all read the story of the aliens being arrested at the Waffle House. I wasn’t surprised – and can any of you honestly say that you were?

While I know there have been fewer and fewer stories in the police blotter, there is a simple explanation for this lack of coverage. The Paroder’s crime correspondent Sobby Raint-John went to investigate the Waffle House with Crompson and she never came back, so of course we are seeing fewer crime stories.

Honestly though, I just thought we as a community were better than this, and that’s what I find the most disappointing. I think it’s time we faced the truth: Only the O.K.O.K. Café was O.K. enough.

Poe Phoe

 

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 81st Edition: Fauxhasset Faux Paw

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police are investigating a string of petty burglaries. Residents awoke Monday morning to find the laces missing from every pair of shoes in town.

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Cat burglary is a serious problem among orphaned felines. Adopt your 27 cats today. | Photo credit

The town’s large population of important businessmen was justifiably upset. “My office has a very strict dress code,” a man in Giorgio Armani dress socks told the Paroder. “Showing up with unlaced shoes would be a major faux pas – and wearing sandals? Unthinkable!”

His wife, wearing a pair of Gucci ankle socks, chimed in, “It’s that Waffle House bringing criminals into town. Look at us: ground to a standstill all because some millennials had to have their waffles. Those shoelaces were real unicorn hair, too – worth six figures apiece.”

Victims unanimously reported that the shoelaces had definitely been there when they went to bed, and they had not heard a thing in the night, nor had any doors been forced or security alarms triggered. A handful of callers reported waking up in fits of sneezing before discovering the theft.

“There’s definitely something fishy about this crime,” said one mother as she sent her kids off to school in rain boots. “And I mean literally. Besides taking all the shoelaces, the burglar poked holes in all our canned goods and spilled tuna juice all over the pantry. Why would someone do that?”

Police first checked in on local troublemakers Two Men And Their Dog.

Two Men looked suspiciously sleepless – just like a couple of cat burglars who had spent the night stealing every shoelace in town! However, the young fathers claimed they had simply had a long night caring for Their newly adopted faceless baby.

“Cat burglary? Don’t look at us,” was all They said. “We’re Dog people.”

Police were stumped until one resident contacted them with a video recorded by one of their home security cameras.

The perpetrators gained access to the home via a set of French doors on a balcony. Some time later, they returned to the doors to leave, each carrying several long strings in its mouth. The last of the crew hesitated, unable to decide whether he wished to go outside, or inside, or outside, or inside, or out.

Upon reviewing footage from other residences, police found that several gangs of cats had made the rounds the previous night. They suspect that all those cats that keep spawning outside of the Paroder office and Abraham Building conspired to divide and conquer a community’s worth of shoes.

See, folks? This is what happens when you don’t adopt your fair share of cats.

“It all makes sense now,” Police Chief Stephen Quill told the Paroder. “They didn’t have to break and enter, and they were too low to the ground to be caught on most security cameras. It was the purrfect crime. Now the only problem is where we’ll get enough Kennel Cabs to hold them all.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 76th Edition: Make Like a Tree and – Wait, No, Come Back

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Residents awoke this morning to find the trees gone. Nowhere in town was a single tree to be found standing. Even the heap of discarded Christmas trees at the transfer center had vanished.

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Have you seen me? | Photo credit

There were no stumps to indicate that the trees had been cut down, and police said they had not received any noise complaints about buzz saws or other equipment that would have been required to fell and remove thousands of trees overnight.

A woman was found dancing and weeping beside the town common, where an iconic ash tree had spread its leaves wide for nigh 500 years.

“I’m having a shade tree hearing,” the woman explained between twirls. “That means I’m thanking it for 499 years of blissful shade in the summer heat. I would have liked to say so while it was still here, but isn’t that always the way? We never tell anyone how much we appreciate them till they’re gone.”

Residents were quick to point fingers, but none could agree on who was responsible.

Several pinned the incident on the large new alien population, reasoning that Fauxhasset’s newest residents wanted the town to look more like their barren home planet.

Others blamed hotelier Ord Girdlehyde – who, to be fair, destroyed several acres of wetland to build his latest hotel, Castle Girdlehausen, in the fall, not to mention poisoning the water table with glitter.

Girdlehyde himself pointed to developer JJ Henry, who was responsible for the luxury condos at 8 Lame Jane and many others in town, as far back as the Achey Cedars development in the 1970s. However, Henry hasn’t been seen since the Lame Jane townhomes burned to the ground in September.

Mavin Kirk, daughter of Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk and a resident of the Fenclave, told the Paroder that the Ents had at last gone in search of their lost Entwives, and we should be happy for them. “It’s very romantic,” she assured us.

X-Ray Xanadu, Spokeschild for Captain America’s School for the Awesome, said the Grinch had taken them all, but not to worry – he was rallying the superhero troops to get the trees back.

The disappearance of the trees has caused a schism in the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG). Half the members are claiming that the trees are angry with us and we must repent to bring them back. The other half is already setting up solar panels across the town.

Those idiots at Town Hall said they’re working feverishly to get to the bottom of the mystery.

“Whoever did this never came to us for a permit,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “Not that we would have approved it! I’m just saying that, in addition to greatly inconveniencing the citizens of Fauxhasset and sowing fear in the community, they also failed to adhere to the local bylaws. Therefore, we’re taking this very seriously.”

Officials urged residents to remain calm (and also to remain at home, just in case some great and inexplicable evil is afoot… or in case the trees reappear suddenly, lest anyone become trapped inside of one). But no one should panic, officials were quick to add. The situation is under control. Especially the panicking part of the situation. The Panic Brigade has that well-covered.

Still, if anyone feels inclined to repent, it’s probably not a bad idea.