Fauxhasset Paroder, 56th Edition: CAR Troubles

By Sobby Raint-John
Crime Correspondent

Several safety violations were issued  towards The Clandestine Auto Regulators (CAR) earlier this month when they caused tire damage to no less than three automobiles as they made their morning commutes down Fivest Ave. The drivers were not harmed, fortunately, nor were the dozen or so porcupines the group used to puncture the tires.

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The cars, on the other hand, were damaged irreparably. After being pierced through by the indestructible quills, the vehicles gained sentience and lumbered off into the Womp. Photo credit

Police were swift on the scene and quick to realize CAR was the culprit, as speed reduction slogans covered the ground in chalk – a signature move of these local traffic vigilantes. One chalk messaged taunted drivers suggesting they would not have punctured their tires if they had been driving slower.

At first, police were baffled how porcupines could cause such damages and remain unscathed but it was Police Chief Steven Quill who put the pieces together.

“I’m sure by now many of you have heard of the ‘Dark Web,'” said Quill. “People are illicitly trading undeclared items given to them by the Black Hole. Those indestructible porcupines came through the Black Hole and into possession of CAR through the Dark Web. Tracing them to any source will take time and be difficult.”

“While items from the Black Hole have so far been harmless,” said Quill, “we can’t let objects, possibly not of our universe, spread through the town without some accountability. It’s just irresponsible. ”

While violations were written, none as of yet have been served. The members of CAR have always kept to the shadows and without a name or even indication as to how many violations should be written, it is impossible to move forward. For now, police will be placing a detail, Officer Sam Rushmore, on night patrol to watch the Black Hole.

“It’s too bad,” Chief Quill said as his final comment. “CAR’s message is a good one, but their actions have shown us we can’t trust a shadowy and unknowable group with the safety of our town.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 53rd Edition: When good guys go bad

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police believe they have a lead on the mysterious spate of pirate flags that appeared in the Harborception last month.

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He doesn’t even look a little bit sorry.

At first, the authorities tried to blame Two Men And Their Dog, because isn’t this just the sort of thing those troublemakers would do! But due to insubstantial evidence, police were unable to make an arrest.

Members of the community were quick to point fingers at other suspects. Blame was ascribed to the teenage students of the Fenclave, actual pirates, and an ancient Egyptian goddess bent on raising a zombie army (actually, only Father Mumblehill of the Flaxen-Mary Abbey believed that last one) before the culprit was finally caught.

When the Paroder arrived on the scene, police were very upset and confused by the arrest they had just made.

“We caught the bad guy. We’re sure it’s him. The only problem is, our bad guy is a good guy!” moaned Police Chief Stephen Quill.

The perpetrator was none other than Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi (and, apparently, Part-Time Pirate). Branch was found in neighboring Proxituate with an arsenal of Jolly Roger flags. He also has a pretty incriminating skull-and-crossbones tattoo on his right forearm.

Branch pleaded guilty. Police will work with the Assembly of Chosen to determine his fate. For now, Branch was relieved of his pirate flags and light saber. He was last seen shuffling along Route 3A in his Jedi robe, playing a broken guitar and singing forlornly.

Branch’s boss, Senior Ranger Roc Rubble, was seen nearby, sobbing as he drank from a flask. We were unable to confirm whether the drinking was due to disappointment in his protégé, or if he simply hasn’t stopped since finding a pig-bear in Radiation State Park (a.k.a. the Womp) last fall.

 

Fauxhasset Paroder, 20th Edition: Three Kings, Not so Wise

By Sobby Raint-John
Fauxhasset Paroder Crime Correspondent 

The police responded to a call in the Shallows this morning, taking Two Men and Their Dog into custody. The trio, dressed in robes and glittery cardboard crowns, was accused of trespassing and attempted kidnapping of a couple’s newborn daughter.

According to a neighbor watching from their window, the trio left a basket of toys on the doorstep and was leaving the scene when the concerned parents, Kolly and Kelly Kobb, confronted them. The parents reportedly insisted that the men take back the toys. When the men would not, the conflict escalated and the neighbor called police.

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This “gold” plushie gifted to baby Epiphany Kobb was anything but heartwarming. Photo credit

“It was the craziest thing,” the neighbor told the Paroder. “The men just kept apologizing for being late and saying that the GPS was using too much data. The weird part is I don’t think the McIntires knew them at all.”

While evidence to the kidnapping charge is suspect, police are taking the matter with the utmost seriousness. The toys have been confiscated and are undergoing thorough inspection.

FPD detectives found handwritten labels tied neatly to the necks of three stuffed animals, reading “frankincense,” “myrrh,” and “gold.” 

Two Men and Their Dog, still dressed as three kings, have declined to comment to the Paroder at this time. Fortunately the McIntires can rest easy as a police detail has been assigned to watch over the house and their daughter, Epiphany.