Fauxhasset Paroder, 63rd Edition: Clean Getaway

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There has been some very spooky activity in Fauxhasset Village of late – and no, we don’t mean the ominous Latin chanting emanating softly from all the trees. No, not the eyeballs in the streetlights, either. No, no, no – not that bloodstain outside of the Temple. That’s nothing. Don’t pay any attention to that.

We’re talking about the midnight rituals taking place at 8 Lame Jane’s, where a luxury condo development mysteriously burned to the ground last month.

As police suspect arson, the area is technically still a crime scene and therefore closed to the public, but neighbors have reported late-night activity on the property nonetheless. However, by the time police arrive, the small bobbing lights described by witnesses have always disappeared, leaving investigators with no leads.

Town Manager Mown Tanager visited the scene this morning and said it simply looked like the trespassers had been cleaning. Ash and debris had been cleared out of some of the yards and what remains of the units’ basements.

“If only every burglar could be this tidy!” commented Tanager. “They’re saving DPW a good deal of work – and the Town a good deal of money that would have been spent on that work. The taxpayers should be pleased.”

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Those burglars clearly know their manners… and their memes. Photo credit

The taxpayers are not pleased. Many have noted the blood-red symbols and diagrams painted on the now-bare earth – the very same that appeared in the basement of one of the condos, and later on Fame Island, and most recently on Achey Cedars Lane. Neighbors are convinced that satanic rituals are being carried out on the property.

“Just like when my husband was alive,” commented one elderly neighbor. “He used to see them doing it. Blinking lights and spooky sounds… the devil was in that old house all right. And if you think the property isn’t cursed, tell me why those condos burned to the ground last month!”

The cops think the lady doth protest too much and have brought her in for questioning.

Meanwhile, the Paroder received an email from 8 Lame Jane’s developer J.J. Henry, who shows no signs of returning to Fauxhasset anytime soon, but was kind enough to share some insider information with us – and, by extension, all of you, dear readers.

Henry purchased the Lame Jane’s property in 2012 when the previous owner sold it for “undisclosed reasons.” Before that, the site had belonged to the same individual since 1962 – an individual who still resides in Fauxhasset, who has had his hands on a wide range of other properties in town, including Fame Island. That individual, said Henry, is no other than Mr. Z. Donne.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 56th Edition: CAR Troubles

By Sobby Raint-John
Crime Correspondent

Several safety violations were issued  towards The Clandestine Auto Regulators (CAR) earlier this month when they caused tire damage to no less than three automobiles as they made their morning commutes down Fivest Ave. The drivers were not harmed, fortunately, nor were the dozen or so porcupines the group used to puncture the tires.

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The cars, on the other hand, were damaged irreparably. After being pierced through by the indestructible quills, the vehicles gained sentience and lumbered off into the Womp. Photo credit

Police were swift on the scene and quick to realize CAR was the culprit, as speed reduction slogans covered the ground in chalk – a signature move of these local traffic vigilantes. One chalk messaged taunted drivers suggesting they would not have punctured their tires if they had been driving slower.

At first, police were baffled how porcupines could cause such damages and remain unscathed but it was Police Chief Steven Quill who put the pieces together.

“I’m sure by now many of you have heard of the ‘Dark Web,'” said Quill. “People are illicitly trading undeclared items given to them by the Black Hole. Those indestructible porcupines came through the Black Hole and into possession of CAR through the Dark Web. Tracing them to any source will take time and be difficult.”

“While items from the Black Hole have so far been harmless,” said Quill, “we can’t let objects, possibly not of our universe, spread through the town without some accountability. It’s just irresponsible. ”

While violations were written, none as of yet have been served. The members of CAR have always kept to the shadows and without a name or even indication as to how many violations should be written, it is impossible to move forward. For now, police will be placing a detail, Officer Sam Rushmore, on night patrol to watch the Black Hole.

“It’s too bad,” Chief Quill said as his final comment. “CAR’s message is a good one, but their actions have shown us we can’t trust a shadowy and unknowable group with the safety of our town.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 53rd Edition: When good guys go bad

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police believe they have a lead on the mysterious spate of pirate flags that appeared in the Harborception last month.

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He doesn’t even look a little bit sorry.

At first, the authorities tried to blame Two Men And Their Dog, because isn’t this just the sort of thing those troublemakers would do! But due to insubstantial evidence, police were unable to make an arrest.

Members of the community were quick to point fingers at other suspects. Blame was ascribed to the teenage students of the Fenclave, actual pirates, and an ancient Egyptian goddess bent on raising a zombie army (actually, only Father Mumblehill of the Flaxen-Mary Abbey believed that last one) before the culprit was finally caught.

When the Paroder arrived on the scene, police were very upset and confused by the arrest they had just made.

“We caught the bad guy. We’re sure it’s him. The only problem is, our bad guy is a good guy!” moaned Police Chief Stephen Quill.

The perpetrator was none other than Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi (and, apparently, Part-Time Pirate). Branch was found in neighboring Proxituate with an arsenal of Jolly Roger flags. He also has a pretty incriminating skull-and-crossbones tattoo on his right forearm.

Branch pleaded guilty. Police will work with the Assembly of Chosen to determine his fate. For now, Branch was relieved of his pirate flags and light saber. He was last seen shuffling along Route 3A in his Jedi robe, playing a broken guitar and singing forlornly.

Branch’s boss, Senior Ranger Roc Rubble, was seen nearby, sobbing as he drank from a flask. We were unable to confirm whether the drinking was due to disappointment in his protégé, or if he simply hasn’t stopped since finding a pig-bear in Radiation State Park (a.k.a. the Womp) last fall.