By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Construction is well underway at Ord Girdlehyde’s new development, Castle Girdlehausen, despite neighbors’ best efforts to prevent the palatial hotel from being built – and by “well underway,” we mean “horribly, disastrously underway.” Murphy’s Law hangs heavy on this place.
Luckily for Girdlehyde, Murphy just happens to live a few towns over in Pemborke, so Girdlehyde called the old dog over to see if he could re-jigger the law in his favor. Sort of like how the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) re-jiggered the local wetlands bylaws in his favor last month.
Murphy, a French bulldog, rolled into town on a motorized skateboard on Saturday to bork his blessing upon the development. Knock on wood, nothing else has gone wrong since the good dog paid his visit.
However, even Murphy cannot undo the consequences of the past, so it still falls to the DPW and those idiots at Town Hall to resolve the issues that had previously arisen due to the construction project.
These issues include, but are not limited to, the impassibility of Mecca Mile due to ongoing construction at every single property as neighbors clamor to remain the most impressive structure on the block, and the pollution of the town’s groundwater with seemingly-infinite quantities of the world’s glitteriest glitter that were spilled at the work site last week and which have now made their way into residents’ hoses, sinks, showers and toilets.
“You do not understand the severity of the situation,” said Hess Jacket, a resident of the Peachhood neighborhood on the opposite side of town. Her lips produced small puffs of glitter with every hard consonant she pronounced.
“Our skin sparkles. Our sweat sparkles. Our pee sparkles,” Jacket said. “The shrubs are so sparkly we didn’t even have to put up Christmas lights this year. And these potatoes that took root in our pantry – see, when we cut them open, they were full of glitter. My kids can’t eat that.”
Citizens who are experiencing glittery water should contact the Fenclave. President Jimmy Garoppolo reports that enterprising students have been collecting the excess glitter and shipping it around the country in the form of festive décor, vengeance glitter bombs, and proprietary “sparkling” water.
“It’s organic af,” said Speaker of the Fenclave, Shannon Blackstone.
Fortunately, Mecca Mile residents are suffering slightly less, despite the blockade of construction along their street. Many have left town for their winter homes around the globe. Those who remain reported that they are quite happy and comfortable, and send their gratitude to Serengeti CEO Beff Jezus for sending their groceries and other packages by drone.