Fauxhasset Paroder, 66th Edition: GOSH Darnit

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) should have booked a bigger meeting room for their Monday night meeting, the agenda of which was dedicated to a proposed development in the heart of the wetlands bordered by Mecca Mile, Atlantis Boulevard and Sand Street.

Local business owner Ord Girdlehyde plans to construct a castle on the site to supplement the rooms available at his Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) on the harbor, which Girdlehyde said is frequently too full of displaced Fauxhasset residents in need of short-term housing to accommodate any actual paying guests.

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Girdlehyde swears the castle will be “tasteful and attractive,” not “stark and military.” | Photo credit

The new establishment will be called the Girdlehausen. Abutters turned out in droves to object to the development, calling the structure an “eyesore” and an “attractive nuisance for the children.”

Neighbors are trying to act like they are upset about the potential environmental impact of the project, the flagrant disregard of local wetlands bylaws, the reputation for late-night noise at Girdlehyde’s other establishments, and of course, as ever, the dearth of parking in town.

“Our children go to bed at 6:30 p.m.,” said one woman at the GOSH meeting. “Our friends on the harbor tell us that Ord’s coyote tenants are up playing that techno music until three in the morning on a regular basis. Now he wants to bring that noise to another neighborhood? That isn’t Fauxhasset. Ord just wants to make money. He doesn’t care about us, our children, or our town. He’s not even here tonight.”

Girdlehyde responded via Skype from his fall home in the Appalachian Mountains.

“First of all, I am hurt that you say I am not here tonight,” Girdlehyde said. “I am very much here. I am speaking right now, as you can see.”

“Secondly,” Girdlehyde went on, “the coyotes are not tenants. Like the others staying at the hotel, they are simply displaced; I am doing them a favor. The hotel is not their legal address; they are simply staying with me until they can settle some issues with their permanent residence.”

“Finally,” Girdlehyde concluded, “a correction of terms. The music they are playing – it is not techno. This is not 1997. These are cutting-edge artists – visionaries! Very popular in Germany and the Arctic. They would be hurt to hear you say ‘techno.’”

Be that as it may, noise was ostensibly one of the reigning concerns among Mecca Mile area residents who attended the meeting on Monday. But we all know that their true fear is that Girdlehyde’s castle will upstage their mansions, forcing them to continue building up and out to remain the most glamorous property in the neighborhood.

Good luck with that, since Girdlehyde has partnered with painter Stuart Semple – inventor of the world’s glitteriest glitter, who has a vacation home in Fauxhasset – to develop a custom paint for the castle’s exterior. It’s likely that even Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes will be put to shame.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 62nd Edition: The Land Before (and After) Timeraptor

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It seems another time warp has rolled through Fauxhasset, this time costing residents nearly a month in lost and unremembered time. Residents fell asleep the evening of Sept. 28 and awoke to find that all the clocks and calendars had skipped ahead to Oct. 17.

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The elusive timeraptor, believed to be a product of the common velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor. Photo credit

Some things in town jumped ahead with the date. For instance, the fall foliage is in its full splendor (although residents are reminded that taking scenic landscape photos is against the law in Fauxhasset – take that classless pseudo-art to Proxituate!).

Other things seem not to have changed at all. Funningham Bridge, for example, is still in complete shambles and closed to traffic – although it’s hard to say whether the time warp skipped that part of town, or whether construction progress is simply that inefficient. Both seem equally possible.

Town Manager Mown Tanager said that officials are “taking steps to ensure that this sort of thing doesn’t keep happening,” calling the frequent and lengthening time losses “troubling and unacceptable on the Town’s part. We can do better; we have to do better.”

Paranormal investigator Buster DeGost is conducting an investigation in conjunction with the Regional Animal Whisperer (RAW). (The Local Animal Whisperer, or LAW, was carried away by Fauxsutawney Fil’s congregation in the Womp in August and has yet to be found.)

The investigators believe that the time lapses are attributable to a timeraptor passing through town. Timeraptors are one of the three biological sexes of raptor, the others being the traditional velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor. Though little scientific knowledge is available about the species, scientists believe that the timeraptor eats time as part of its diet.

A timeraptor was documented passing through town in the spring, when its presence caused the Semiannual Spring Séance to wrap up in an uncannily reasonable three and a half hours. DeGost and the RAW believe that the creature may have simply been passing back through on its migrational route.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” said GREG, the town’s Green and Renewable Energy Group. “It’s fall. Time is supposed to fall back, not spring forward.”

GREG says it is much more likely that the fabric of time itself is eroding due to mankind’s disregard for its value and constant squandering of its resources. To conserve time, GREG urges residents to practice mindfulness meditation and focus on the present moment before it slips away.

 

Community Classifieds:

ISO old red brick. Like the kind you’d use for a patio, but just one. Must be old. Must be red. Please no fieldstone or pre-fab pavers; they simply will not have the desired psychological effect an old red brick would have. Will pick up anywhere in town, any time that is convenient for you. Serious offers only.

Free Pocket Watch: Got this from the black hole and it’s stopped me from aging. In fact, it’s making me age backwards. Soon I won’t be old enough to serve as Speaker of the House for the Fenclave so please take it. Contact Shannon Blackstone. Snap: ShanananananananaBLACKSTONE.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 32nd Edition: World of Peacecraft

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously at Hound Hook Dam]

After single-handedly protecting the town from the goblin threat at Hound Hook Dam, Police Chief Stephen Quill has also single-handedly forged a peace treaty with the underground colony.

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“So… shake on it?” Photo credit

“We’re gonna get our equipment out of their front yard, they’re gonna finish building the culvert, and then we’re both gonna go back to living our separate lives,” Quill reported.

“They’re not charging us for the labor. All they want from us is to go away. Meanwhile, goblin work apparently lasts for hundreds, if not thousands, of years, so we won’t have to repair this again in our lifetimes.”

The treaty stated that the goblins would complete construction of the subbase, culvert and roadway to their own specifications, using their own undisclosed materials and ancient goblin methods now remembered only by a few.

The goblins were unleashed last month when a backhoe cracked into one of their tunnels during construction on the ancient culvert. If Quill hadn’t been nearby, Fauxhasset might well have been overrun by its secret subterranean population.

Despite that, Quill insists that the goblins are peaceful.

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According to Quill, goblins are sensitive, misunderstood creatures. Photo credit

“They swarmed because they felt threatened – and who can blame them?” said Quill. “Turns out the subbase of the culvert is somebody’s living room ceiling.”

The family whose living room was destroyed originally planned to sue the Town. However, they said they would drop the lawsuit if the Town removed its contractors and equipment from the area at once.

“We see everything,” the Goblin King told the Paroder in an exclusive interview. “We know your leaders followed due process to acquire easements from surface dwellers abutting the project. That courtesy was not extended to us.”

Officials said they genuinely hadn’t known about the tunnels underneath the dam – or about the goblin population at all – and were not trying to discriminate or treat the goblins unfairly.

But that answer didn’t satisfy the king. “It hasn’t been that long,” he said. “My father helped build that subbase – oh, what was it, five hundred years ago? Awfully short time to forget a whole species.”

Fortunately, the king took a liking to the police details who have been stationed at the collapsed tunnel since January, and Quill was able to negotiate the agreement.

“It’s a win-win-win-win,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “The goblins get to remodel their living room – to their specifications. They get us out of their hair. We get them out of ours. And we get a whole new bridge and culvert system as a parting gift.

The goblins have asked the Town to remove all contractors and construction equipment from their roof within 10 days, or the peace treaty is off and the colony will swarm.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.