Fauxhasset Paroder, 70th Edition: Faucets Spouting Sparkling Water

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Construction is well underway at Ord Girdlehyde’s new development, Castle Girdlehausen, despite neighbors’ best efforts to prevent the palatial hotel from being built – and by “well underway,” we mean “horribly, disastrously underway.” Murphy’s Law hangs heavy on this place.

glitter mouth

Om nom nom – mineral content. | Photo credit

Luckily for Girdlehyde, Murphy just happens to live a few towns over in Pemborke, so Girdlehyde called the old dog over to see if he could re-jigger the law in his favor. Sort of like how the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) re-jiggered the local wetlands bylaws in his favor last month.

Murphy, a French bulldog, rolled into town on a motorized skateboard on Saturday to bork his blessing upon the development. Knock on wood, nothing else has gone wrong since the good dog paid his visit.

However, even Murphy cannot undo the consequences of the past, so it still falls to the DPW and those idiots at Town Hall to resolve the issues that had previously arisen due to the construction project.

These issues include, but are not limited to, the impassibility of Mecca Mile due to ongoing construction at every single property as neighbors clamor to remain the most impressive structure on the block, and the pollution of the town’s groundwater with seemingly-infinite quantities of the world’s glitteriest glitter that were spilled at the work site last week and which have now made their way into residents’ hoses, sinks, showers and toilets.

“You do not understand the severity of the situation,” said Hess Jacket, a resident of the Peachhood neighborhood on the opposite side of town. Her lips produced small puffs of glitter with every hard consonant she pronounced.

“Our skin sparkles. Our sweat sparkles. Our pee sparkles,” Jacket said. “The shrubs are so sparkly we didn’t even have to put up Christmas lights this year. And these potatoes that took root in our pantry – see, when we cut them open, they were full of glitter. My kids can’t eat that.”

Citizens who are experiencing glittery water should contact the Fenclave. President Jimmy Garoppolo reports that enterprising students have been collecting the excess glitter and shipping it around the country in the form of festive décor, vengeance glitter bombs, and proprietary “sparkling” water.

“It’s organic af,” said Speaker of the Fenclave, Shannon Blackstone.

Fortunately, Mecca Mile residents are suffering slightly less, despite the blockade of construction along their street. Many have left town for their winter homes around the globe. Those who remain reported that they are quite happy and comfortable, and send their gratitude to Serengeti CEO Beff Jezus for sending their groceries and other packages by drone.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 66th Edition: GOSH Darnit

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) should have booked a bigger meeting room for their Monday night meeting, the agenda of which was dedicated to a proposed development in the heart of the wetlands bordered by Mecca Mile, Atlantis Boulevard and Sand Street.

Local business owner Ord Girdlehyde plans to construct a castle on the site to supplement the rooms available at his Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) on the harbor, which Girdlehyde said is frequently too full of displaced Fauxhasset residents in need of short-term housing to accommodate any actual paying guests.

giphy

Girdlehyde swears the castle will be “tasteful and attractive,” not “stark and military.” | Photo credit

The new establishment will be called the Girdlehausen. Abutters turned out in droves to object to the development, calling the structure an “eyesore” and an “attractive nuisance for the children.”

Neighbors are trying to act like they are upset about the potential environmental impact of the project, the flagrant disregard of local wetlands bylaws, the reputation for late-night noise at Girdlehyde’s other establishments, and of course, as ever, the dearth of parking in town.

“Our children go to bed at 6:30 p.m.,” said one woman at the GOSH meeting. “Our friends on the harbor tell us that Ord’s coyote tenants are up playing that techno music until three in the morning on a regular basis. Now he wants to bring that noise to another neighborhood? That isn’t Fauxhasset. Ord just wants to make money. He doesn’t care about us, our children, or our town. He’s not even here tonight.”

Girdlehyde responded via Skype from his fall home in the Appalachian Mountains.

“First of all, I am hurt that you say I am not here tonight,” Girdlehyde said. “I am very much here. I am speaking right now, as you can see.”

“Secondly,” Girdlehyde went on, “the coyotes are not tenants. Like the others staying at the hotel, they are simply displaced; I am doing them a favor. The hotel is not their legal address; they are simply staying with me until they can settle some issues with their permanent residence.”

“Finally,” Girdlehyde concluded, “a correction of terms. The music they are playing – it is not techno. This is not 1997. These are cutting-edge artists – visionaries! Very popular in Germany and the Arctic. They would be hurt to hear you say ‘techno.’”

Be that as it may, noise was ostensibly one of the reigning concerns among Mecca Mile area residents who attended the meeting on Monday. But we all know that their true fear is that Girdlehyde’s castle will upstage their mansions, forcing them to continue building up and out to remain the most glamorous property in the neighborhood.

Good luck with that, since Girdlehyde has partnered with painter Stuart Semple – inventor of the world’s glitteriest glitter, who has a vacation home in Fauxhasset – to develop a custom paint for the castle’s exterior. It’s likely that even Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes will be put to shame.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 62nd Edition: The Land Before (and After) Timeraptor

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It seems another time warp has rolled through Fauxhasset, this time costing residents nearly a month in lost and unremembered time. Residents fell asleep the evening of Sept. 28 and awoke to find that all the clocks and calendars had skipped ahead to Oct. 17.

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The elusive timeraptor, believed to be a product of the common velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor. Photo credit

Some things in town jumped ahead with the date. For instance, the fall foliage is in its full splendor (although residents are reminded that taking scenic landscape photos is against the law in Fauxhasset – take that classless pseudo-art to Proxituate!).

Other things seem not to have changed at all. Funningham Bridge, for example, is still in complete shambles and closed to traffic – although it’s hard to say whether the time warp skipped that part of town, or whether construction progress is simply that inefficient. Both seem equally possible.

Town Manager Mown Tanager said that officials are “taking steps to ensure that this sort of thing doesn’t keep happening,” calling the frequent and lengthening time losses “troubling and unacceptable on the Town’s part. We can do better; we have to do better.”

Paranormal investigator Buster DeGost is conducting an investigation in conjunction with the Regional Animal Whisperer (RAW). (The Local Animal Whisperer, or LAW, was carried away by Fauxsutawney Fil’s congregation in the Womp in August and has yet to be found.)

The investigators believe that the time lapses are attributable to a timeraptor passing through town. Timeraptors are one of the three biological sexes of raptor, the others being the traditional velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor. Though little scientific knowledge is available about the species, scientists believe that the timeraptor eats time as part of its diet.

A timeraptor was documented passing through town in the spring, when its presence caused the Semiannual Spring Séance to wrap up in an uncannily reasonable three and a half hours. DeGost and the RAW believe that the creature may have simply been passing back through on its migrational route.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” said GREG, the town’s Green and Renewable Energy Group. “It’s fall. Time is supposed to fall back, not spring forward.”

GREG says it is much more likely that the fabric of time itself is eroding due to mankind’s disregard for its value and constant squandering of its resources. To conserve time, GREG urges residents to practice mindfulness meditation and focus on the present moment before it slips away.

 

Community Classifieds:

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Free Pocket Watch: Got this from the black hole and it’s stopped me from aging. In fact, it’s making me age backwards. Soon I won’t be old enough to serve as Speaker of the House for the Fenclave so please take it. Contact Shannon Blackstone. Snap: ShanananananananaBLACKSTONE.