Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Demons? Aliens? No, just teenagers.

Dear Editor,

As strange symbols continue to proliferate across town, the Fauxhasset Paroder has been treating these incidents like a particularly mystifying chapter of The Hardy Boys. This must stop. You are only encouraging them.

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So threatening! Poor Mr. Henry shouldn’t have to clean up this mess. Photo credit

Since 1952, my husband and I— well, truth be told, my husband is no longer with us, so it is just “I” now, but regardless… for all those intervening years, I have lived across from what is now the Lame Jane development, and I can assure you that the “otherworldly diagram” painted in the basement was the work of hooligans and juvenile delinquents.

Before Mr. Henry purchased the property, my husband (who served in the Great War as well as the Fauxston Police Department – he had very keen blue eyes, broad shoulders, a good, sturdy handshake, and a nose for when something wasn’t right, which is how he came to bring this matter to my attention) – he and I used to see teenagers trespassing in the condemned house on that lot at least once a month. I guarantee that the images in Mr. Henry’s basement and in the cave on Mr. Donne’s island were created by the same.

The troubled youths used to spend hours in the crumbling house, probably drinking cheap vodka and smoking that Mary Jane when they should have been home helping their mothers with the dishes. To create such upsetting and occult imagery on someone else’s property certainly must have required the influence of very serious substances – perhaps even, as my husband (a God-fearing man) used to say, “Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll.”

We had reason to believe these hoodlums were engaged in all three. They thought we couldn’t see them, lighting the way with only the pale blue glow of their cordless telephone screens, but we saw everything: the strange shadows, the flickering lights, the silhouettes of flailing limbs, all to the screeching and pounding of that electronic noise that kids these days are calling “music.”

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Should’ve been home studying. Photo credit

Now that their old hideaway’s gone, is it any wonder these reprobates sought out – and evidently found – other dark corners from whence to practice their heathenry? It hardly matters to them whether they trash Mr. Henry’s good name, or anyone else’s, in the process.

It’s not right, and something ought to be done about it. Mr. Henry is such a nice man who is trying to do great and noble things for our humble village district. Rather than blaming gods, demons, or aliens for this vandalism, I urge the Fauxhasset Police (and perhaps a few local parents, as well!) to look a little closer to home for the culprits and to furnish the emotional and psychological help that these children so clearly need, before it is too late.

Sincerely,A Concerned Citizen

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Blame ET for condos

Dear editor,

Following the Paroder’s latest report on the 8 Lame Jane townhomes (“Condo Quandary,” Jan. 17), I wanted to provide an update about my investigation into this matter. While it is true that my firm pulled me from the formal investigation, that has not stopped me from making my own inquiries.

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Buster DeGost said being fired by the Ghostbusters bummed him out at first, but it freed him up to make the greatest discovery of his career. Photo credit

After months of study, it is no longer my opinion that the symbol discovered in the basement of the townhomes is of demonic origin, nor that the units’ otherworldly architecture was created by such.

I do, however, still believe that the impossible dimensions of the townhomes are tied to other strange incidents in your town, including a pothole swallowing a child and a space-time rift that was interfering with the length of public meetings. The appearance of an alien “Santa” on Christmas Eve only serves to bolster my theory: that all these bizarre happenings can be traced back to extraterrestrial activity.

It is too early for me to go into further detail, but I urge the people of Fauxhasset to work with me to unravel this mystery. This is not just about a condominium development potentially eating future homeowners. What’s happening at 8 Lame Jane will affect everyone. If you see something, say something, and be sure to @ me on Twitter @japandamanda.

Thank you for your attention to this matter. Sincerely,

Buster DeGost, private investigator, former Ghostbuster

P.S. Do not concern yourself about getting revenge on my former employer. Proving I’m right will be vengeance enough. Plus, getting fired meant I didn’t have to attend that stupid Christmas party, so I really should be thanking you!

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Lame Jane condos

Dear Editor,

Normally I would not take the time to write to your paper, as I am busy man. However, your last issue had me absolutely floored. Imagine my surprise when I opened the paper to see your mysterious eight pointed symbol, only to find that the paper did not even know the nature of this iconography. As a religious teacher at the Flaxen-Mary Abbey and longtime self-taught religious scholar, I felt it was my duty to inform your readers to its true purpose and the possible danger that awaits Fauxhasset.

There is no doubt in my mind that the symbol is one from the Egyptian religious mythos. Specifically, it can only be the “Star of Ishtar.”  I am sure my equally educated peers will agree, but for your readers, I will give a small backstory of the Goddess Ishtar.

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Ishtar is one of the lesser known false deities worshipped in the Egyptian tradition. Photo credit

Some scholars believe Ishtar was more than an Egyptian goddess. She possibly could have been a regional deity of both Northern Africa and the Middle East. 

Any encyclopedia will mention that Ishtar was a goddess of many things: of power, war,  love (both in the traditional sense and the pleasures of the flesh), and of course fertility. Most importantly, she is linked to tales of the underworld. 

The Star of Ishtar, her symbol, is well-known to be an eight-pointed star, as people of the time were fascinated by the simple geometric shape of the octagon. But these eight points have yet another meaning more relevant to Lame Jane’s curious housing woes.

It is believed in Egyptian Mythology that eight gates separate the world of the living from the world of the dead. Now, normally, this is the god Osiris’ domain. In several myths however, Ishtar is noted to have control over these gates. It is one such myth, in which she opens the gates and threatens to unleash the dead upon the living, that I find the most troubling.

Putting aside the fact that Heaven and Hell are the only true afterlives, I believe someone is trying to use the Star to summon forth an army of the dead.

As a religious scholar, I can speak with confidence about the afterlife from the perspective of several religions. One commonly accepted theory is that the afterlife is a large plane of existence (how else would it contain all the souls of everyone who has died since the creation of the world?). This would fully explain why the houses at Lame Jane seem bigger on the inside: They truly are, for the Star has linked the mortal plane with that of the afterlife. 

At this point, I fear I have wasted far too much time writing this. If the Paroder asks me to write a fuller account of the possible dangers to your town, perhaps I will. I can only encourage you all to stay vigilant and, of course, pray.

Father Mumblehill, Flaxen-Mary Abbey, Kingham