Fauxhasset Paroder, 25th Edition: The Goblin King

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Contractors on the Hound Hook Dam project accidentally cracked into the goblin tunnels under the town on Wednesday, forcing officials to shut down Peachhood Street at the height of the afternoon rush hour. Drivers had to be rerouted through Proxituate, tacking 10 extra minutes onto their commute.

xsms6sz

Police Chief Stephen Quill grapples with a goblin. Screen grab from cruiser cam courtesy of Fauxhasset Police. Photo credit

“The timing of the incident could not have been more inconsiderate,” Town Manager Mown Tanager said in a statement. “It was incredibly burdensome to the commuters of Fauxhasset who had worked long days and just wanted to get home to their families. We have made it crystal clear to the project manager that disruptions like this will not be tolerated going forward.”

When approached for comment, the project manager could only clutch his face and gibber, surveying the carnage that had, until three hours earlier, been his worksite.

The environmental monitor simply said, “We delved too greedily and too deep.”

The Paroder finally got the scoop from a backhoe operator, Mac McMack, who had been operating the machine when it struck the tunnel and caused the collapse.

“There was, like, this wicked loud noise, right, and then the ground just f—kin dropped,” McMack described with a heavy Fauxston accent. “I jumped outta the cab and stahted running, right, only this swahm of goblins was comin’ outta the ground – there was, like, three ’undred of ’em, you wouldn’t believe it – and they f—kin took me down and dragged me undahground.”

“It was wicked dahk down there, couldn’t see a thing,” McMack continued. “I thought I was probably gonna die down there. But next thing I know, the little gray bastahds staht retreating and the police are pulling me out, askin’ if I’m all right. Well, I told ’im, yeah, I’m all right – you know, physically and all. But I’m still kinda f—ked in the head, you know? Nevah seen anything like that befoah.”

A dashboard camera from the responding police cruiser showed Police Chief Stephen Quill leaping to action. After Tasing the goblin who appeared to be leading the charge, the pacifist Chief still did not reach for a lethal weapon, but instead made due with a little debris and a lot of ingenuity.

Quill used a fallen tree branch to down some electrical wires, which he then fashioned into a whip to drive the goblins back underground. Kids, don’t try this at home. Adults, do whatever you want, but don’t come crying to the Panic Brigade when you fry the family dog and your house goes up in flames.

Though rattled, McMack rallied and used the backhoe to refill the hole, which is now being guarded by a round-the-clock police detail until officials decide what to do next.

Quill declined to comment, saying only that he wished people on Facebook would stop calling him the “Goblin King.”

“That’s a term for the head honcho within the goblin community,” said Quill. “I wouldn’t want to ruffle any feathers. Or… whatever goblins have for an epidermis. And David Bowie must be rolling over in his grave every time someone tweets that.”

Tanager concluded his statement, “We are impressed and grateful for the Police Chief’s calm and measured, yet swift and decisive, action in the face of this threat to our commuters’ convenience. He truly is the Hero of the Goblin Wars. We just wish he would’ve asked DPW to post a detour sign at the end of Peachhood Street.”

This story is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 23rd Edition: Condo quandary

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Previously at 8 Lame Jane’s]

The developer of the 8 Lame Jane’s condos appeared again before the Planning Board on Wednesday, begging the Town to lift the cease and desist order it had placed on his project almost two months ago upon discovering that units were 8,400 square feet larger than his permit allowed.

“People won’t even come for tours, let alone make a down payment, ever since you folks suggested that the units could attain sentience and eat them,” developer J.J. Henry told the board. “How are we supposed to recover our costs? This is going to bankrupt us.”

fma

This symbol found in the condos’ basement has officials confounded. Where did it come from? What does it mean? Why doesn’t it respond to turpentine? Photo credit

From the beginning, Henry has maintained that his contractors had nothing to do with the extra square footage. He claims that the 12 bedrooms, nine bathrooms, three extra stories, and full-size swimming pools in each unit “just appeared.”

Considering that the interior of the townhomes is, impossibly, larger than the exterior, it’s possible Henry is telling the truth; maybe the rooms did appear by magic. That certainly seems to be what’s keeping them there now.

But if not Henry, then who put the rooms there, and why? The board wasn’t prepared to lift the cease and desist without a clear-cut explanation.

“Until the Town’s consulting firm finds a reason for the phenomenon, it just isn’t safe to let people in there – not residents, not construction workers,” said Chairman Blark Axelrod.

“That’s reasonable,” Henry agreed. “The only problem there is, your firm fired our consultant a month ago and hasn’t sent a new one.”

The consultant, Buster DeGost, was pulled from the investigation on December 7 after suggesting that a number of strange phenomena in Fauxhasset – Lame Jane’s condos, a pothole that swallowed a child on Achey Cedars Lane, and a possible space-time rift responsible for stretching and condensing town meetings – were all connected, and were all caused by demonic activity.

Inside sources say that DeGost’s termination was not due to the merit of his theories (or lack thereof), but to a snide comment the consultant made about the company holiday party, which was quoted in the Paroder.

(Editor’s note: Mr. DeGost, we apologize for the trouble we’ve caused you. We would be happy to print your side of the story any time you feel like getting revenge on your former employer.)

The Planning Board agreed, in the absence of a contractor, to take the meeting on the road and have a look at the units themselves. After touring the upper levels and watching Axelrod do tricks on his skateboard in the empty swimming pool, the board asked to see the basement.

Henry got cagey. He insisted that they weren’t finishing the basements and there was nothing to see down there but a mess of pipes and wiring. Interest piqued, board members shouldered past him to look for themselves. What they found explained everything.

A complex diagram, possibly of Satanic or demonic origin, covered much of the floor. There was some sort of astrological calendar intersecting with an eight-sided star. Smaller and off to the side, a familiar compass rose. And framing it all, an acute angle pointing southeast.

All of this was painted in red. Gleaming red that still looked wet. Your reporter boldly asked the question that no one else would speak.

“Is that blood?”

That’s when half a dozen construction workers firmly escorted the board (and, alas, the press) from the premises.

Outside, once the board had adjourned its meeting and departed, the Paroder got the exclusive explanation.

“We don’t know what that thing is,” Henry said. “We can’t get rid of it. We found it in the basement of the house that used to be here, but when we tore down the house, it didn’t go away. We dug the foundation – still there. Poured the cement – still there. Painted over the floor – still there.”

“We were gonna just close off the basement – keep it as utility space, serviced by the landlord only,” said Henry. “We don’t think it’s a danger. We’ve been on this project for five years, and the diagram’s been here the whole time, and the only bad juju we’ve encountered is governmental bureaucracy!”

“Frankly, though,” Henry said. “Even if the board lifts the cease and desist order, I don’t think we’re going to be able to sell these units now that this is out there.”

This is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner. 

Fauxhasset Paroder, 19th Edition: A Patriot for President

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

President-Elect Tom Brady has notified Fauxhasset Middle-High School students that he will not be accepting their offer of presidency. He has instead delegated the position to Patriots second-string quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo.

president-elect

President-Elect Jimmy Garoppolo and his bodyguard toured Fauxhasset Middle-High School on Tuesday. It was the first time anyone over the age of 20 had set foot in the school in 116 years. Photo: Shannon Blackstone via Snapchat

“I can’t decide if I should cry or not,” said sophomore Shannon Blackstone in a statement issued to her Snapchat followers on Friday. “We all really wanted Brady. But, you know, if it had to be someone else, well…  Jimmy is pretty cute, too. I’m just saying.”

Student Body President Zane Harris had his reservations.

“We don’t really know what we’re getting with Garoppolo,” said Harris. “We’ve only seen him on the field a handful of times, and he hasn’t gotten nearly the press coverage Brady has, so we don’t know how he thinks. But uh… the girls seem pretty happy about it, so I guess that’s a good thing.”

Brady sent his regrets in a handwritten letter, which in fact had been delivered several weeks ago, but none of the students had thought to check the snail-mailbox until Christmas packages were due to arrive.

The letter was penned on December 5, the day after Brady won his 201st career football game and surpassed quarterbacks Brett Favre and Peyton Manning to become the GOAT (greatest of all-time).

“I know what I’m good at, and that’s football,” wrote Brady. “Just because I can lead a team to victory doesn’t mean I can lead a nation-state.”

“Besides,” he went on, “Coach finally called me the GOAT; I can’t just walk away from that. I owe it to New England and the rest of the guys to put a Superbowl ring on every finger.”

“I have every confidence that Jimmy will make a great president for your nation-state,” Brady concluded. “He’s extremely teachable, but not afraid to make the tough decisions. Please send us a hard copy of your response, signed and dated, by the first of the year.”

The middle-high school held an emergency vote on Friday and students gave their unanimous support for the change in plans.

“The way I see it, we’re basically taking the VP and making him President,” said Harris. “Now we just have to figure out what a ‘hard copy’ is by January first.”

Fortunately, it seems the students were able to sort out the U.S. Postal Service in time. President-Elect Garoppolo visited the school this morning. He, like the U.S. President, will be sworn in on Jan. 20.