Fauxhasset Paroder, 14th Edition: Oh, Deer!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Be careful out there, drivers! Police have responded to no less than seven incidents this week in which a driver collided with an animal in the roadway.

“Deer are very active this time of year – it’s their mating season,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “In most cases, there wasn’t much the driver could’ve done to avoid a collision. Really it was the deer that ran into the car, not the other way around.”

The victims, however, described it a little differently.

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An artist’s rendering of the beast described by witnesses. Photo credit

“The thing I hit was not a deer,” said Marissa Marsh, a soccer mom who spoke with the Paroder at the scene of one of the accidents. The four boys riding with her at the time of the incident agreed.

“It had, like, 50 antlers,” said Charlie Diggins, a third-grade student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome. “It was like it had a whole tree on its head.”

“And it didn’t ‘run into’ the car like it was some sort of accident,” added his friend, Darrel Marsh, also a third-grader at Captain America’s. “More like it challenged us. Mom slammed on the brakes and swerved, and the thing charged straight at us.”

Police assured Marsh and the boys that the animal was, in fact, just a deer, and sometimes fear can make us see things as more frightening than they really are, and perhaps they should all spend a few moments with the EMTs getting checked for signs of concussion.

The car had to be towed and was likely totaled, according to police on the scene. The deer had fled. The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) was studying its tracks on the roadside to confirm that it was, in fact, just an ordinary deer. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 13th Edition: Time is not on town’s side

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A possible rift in the space-time continuum, responsible for shaving 20 minutes off the Assembly of Chosen’s Marathon of Remarks a few weeks ago, may have widened, according to experts.

“Time taking up more or less space than it’s supposed to is a classic sign of a rift,” said Buster DeGost, a consultant hired by the town to determine why the new Lame Jane’s condos are bigger inside than out and whether that poses any risk to potential homebuyers.

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Oh, well. Time is an illusion, anyway. Photo credit

DeGost said it piqued his interest when the Annual Town Séance held last week wrapped up in a record 33 minutes.

The Annual Town Séance is held once a year in November so the spirits of our forefathers can ensure that we are doing things just as we have always done them. Normally it takes at least 33 minutes just to get all 8,000 Fauxhasset residents to shut up so the Town Manager can start the invocation.

In contrast, the Board of Academic Enlightenment (BAE) met for 33 hours straight on Wednesday (and Thursday, and part of Friday). The Panic Brigade had to be dispatched to the meeting with emergency rations as members of both the board and the public became severely hangry and dehydrated.

No one is sure what transpired at that meeting. BAE is shrouded in mystery and always has been, despite the fact that they post and hold their meetings publicly in accordance with the bylaw. We can, however, be confident that the meeting had little to do with our children’s education, since the teachers are still on strike.

33 minutes. 33 hours. Is there some significance to the number 33? DeGost doesn’t think so.

“The significance is that these events are becoming more frequent and drastic,” said DeGost. “And there could not be a worse time for this to happen than during the holidays, when time is already so muddled. No matter how long the office Christmas party seems to drag on, this season just flies by.”

DeGost said he will continue to investigate the rift and any possible connection it might have to the impossible square footage of the Lame Jane’s condos.

This article is a parody. Read the original story from the Cohasset Mariner.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 11th Edition: Holy potholes, Batman!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

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Achey Cedars residents said they’ve been asking the town for help with potholes ever since they found a gator in one back in 1999. Photo credit

BREAKING: Residents of Achey Cedars Way are being evacuated after reports came in that the street was “eating children.”

On the scene, petrified parents clung to each other and their remaining children (which turned out to be all but one of them) while gazing into the depths of a ten-foot-wide pothole.

“Doesn’t that look bigger than last night?” said a man in a suit, swirling a glass of red wine. His neighbors agreed that the pothole did seem larger and began to discuss, carefully out of your reporter’s earshot, who they could sue for this, and for how much.

According to police, Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome, had tripped and fallen into the pothole and then completely disappeared.

Police said the emergency call came from Habitha Lembas, Shorty’s mother, after she witnessed the same pothole swallowing a Mini Cooper some time later; she had not believed her daughter’s initial report that the street had “eaten Shorty.”

While she was on the line, Habitha reported watching a UPS delivery truck also vanish into the street.

Habitha then asked the police to excuse her, as she had to go see about an Amazon package she thought was being delivered by the truck.

Habitha and her husband Larry Lembas declined to comment for this article. The Paroder got the scoop from Shorty’s seven-year-old sister, Dooey Lembas, spokeschild for Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

Dooey was the only kid in the neighborhood not crying. Instead, she was stomping around with a garden rake, wearing a too-large football helmet and a toy shield. Her knees were bleeding from an attempt to dive into the pothole to save her brother.

“This is all my fault,” said Dooey. “I threw the Frisbee too high on purpose. It’s this joke we have, because Shorty’s so, ya know, short. And like, it’s funny, you know? Except this time, it wasn’t funny.”

Dooey said she saw her brother fall and, after waiting a few seconds for him to get up, ran over to help. When she arrived at the edge of the pothole, he was nowhere to be seen.

Dooey said her parents thought Shorty was just playing his favorite game – hiding from them – and started hunting for him. That’s when she took it upon herself to go after her brother, but she said she was unable to get the pothole to “open up” again.

“Mom stopped me from going in after the UPS truck,” Dooey said. “I’m keeping an eye on it, though. I’ll do whatever it takes to get Shorty back. Sure, he goes to Captain America’s, but he’s still family. I have eight brothers, and I’d do the same for any of them.”

Dooey was then discovered and dragged away by her parents, who again declined to comment for this article.

A contractor is now attempting to patch the pothole. However, the hole seems to have no bottom and simply continues to swallow the cement. More on this flagrant defiance of the laws of physics as it develops.

The Mad Elephant Hotel (MEH) has offered to put up the whole neighborhood free of charge until this issue is resolved. Please note that Achey Cedars Way is closed to all traffic. Residents are reminded that yellow “DO NOT CROSS” tape should not be crossed.

This story is a parody. Read the original article in the Cohasset Mariner.