Fauxhasset Paroder, 100th Edition: We’re All Mad Here

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The summer climes may be everlasting thanks to Fauxsutawney Fil, but summer vacation, alas, is not. Maybe that’s why everyone in Fauxhasset is so mad this week. It seems that even when the weather is perfect, people will find something to complain about.

Need My #PSL

“Well, sure, the weather is perfect for going to the beach,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh. “But we’re ready for flannel and pumpkin spice lattés and pretty fall leaves, and none of that is happening – at least, not in Fauxhasset. Then, when I take the boys to away games, we’ve got to bundle up because all the other towns are having fall and we’re not.”

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And now they don’t have a Starbucks, either.

While other soccer parents agreed that the lack of pumpkin spice lattés is a crime and an outrage, most residents feel that the eternal summer will pay off come December, when neighboring towns are hunkering down for the cold and snow and Fauxhassians are still swimming, sailing, yachting, and stand-up paddle-boarding in our balmy summer waters.

The Dog Days Aren’t Over Till They’re Over

They say the dog days of summer are over after Labrador Day, but are they really over if the Labrador Day Parade doesn’t come through town? Many would argue “no,” and some parents are even refusing to send their children back to school until the traditional summer finale is played out as it should be.

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Things were going so well until movement caught her eye, stage right… | Photo credit

Pemborke Mayor Daedalus Doggo said the parade has already happened once and won’t be repeated until next year. Doggo would like to remind Fauxhasset whose fault it is that the parade didn’t make it here this year.

The procession, which features hundreds of Pemborke’s finest Labradors, was unable to continue its march through Fauxhasset, as marchers became distracted by the thousands of cats in attendance of the event. Order could not be restored for several hours, causing towns north of Fauxhasset on the parade route to miss out on the festivities as well.

Looking Ahead to the Holidays

The residents of Fuglyoaks Lane have already begun this year’s campaign to be exempt from handing out king-size candy bars on Halloween, or at least to receive a tax credit from Town Hall, which requires all residents on the street to provide at least one king-size candy bar or “appropriate festive equivalent” to each trick-or-treater on Oct. 31.

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It’s too late. This is the new normal. | Photo credit

What started as a friendly competition between neighbors to outdo each other on Halloween was codified into law back in 1982, and residents say the excess is now putting families out of house and home.

“The town is forcing us to choose someone else’s kids over our own,” said one parent. “The worst part is, most of our trick-or-treaters don’t even live on Fuglyoaks – their parents drive them here just so they can get the biggest candy bars! I don’t know how we’ll afford this on top of Christmas every day.”

They might try being Jewish, according to neighbor Cecil Elfman.

“Fauxsutawney Fil didn’t take us into account when he made it Christmas every day,” said Elfman. “At first, we felt bad for our kids, but seeing our friends have to buy and wrap new presents every single day, and a new tree every week… I think not dealing with that hassle was the best gift of all.”

She’s Super, Alright – Super Serious

Princess Diamanda Sparkleopoulos, a student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes, wants to see some changes in the divided lower elementary schools – starting with her own name. The second-grader shall henceforth answer only to “The Diamond Scythe.”

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When I grow up, I want to be a diamond warrior. Wait, scratch that; I’ll do it now. | Photo credit

The Diamond Scythe was involved in last week’s invasion of the Temple, and she said the event made her realize how much the girls in town are short-changing themselves by only learning one skill – how to turn superheroes into snowflakes – while their male counterparts are learning a variety of useful supernatural abilities at Captain America’s School for the Awesome.

“I’m not wasting another year perfecting my dendrites. Snowflakes are useless in this weather, anyway,” said The Diamond Scythe. “It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl. Being super is for everyone, and that’s the sparkly truth.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 78th Edition: The Return of the Groundhog

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Groundhog Day came and went with the normal amount of fanfare. Punxsutawney Phil made his customary appearance on the Common, emerging from the Hallowed Burrow to prophesy six more weeks of winter to the thousands of residents listening raptly on the Town Common.

Fauxsutawney Fil, a large raccoon who claimed to be the reincarnation of the original groundhog RALPH and last year triggered the Thousand Foot Snow, was long gone through the Accursed Burrow. Fauxhasset believed it was safe from anything more sinister than another 42 days of winter.

It was wrong.

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Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone says residents’ discarded cash will boost the nation-state’s fledgling economy. | Photo credit

Just as the festivities were dying down, the stars began to keen and a steady womp-womp-womp could be heard in the distance. An unnaturally large blue moon appeared in the west to face down the small, pale gibbous rising in the east.

Soon the massive impostor raccoon appeared on the horizon, silhouetted against the uncanny blue moon and flanked by his multi-specied worshippers (including 13 indestructible porcupines, which were supposed to ensure Fauxhasset never saw the impostor raccoon again, but had apparently been converted to Fil’s cause).

“My fellow Fauxhassians,” Fil boomed. “Last year, you drove me out of your fine town, being displeased with the eternal winter I so benevolently bestowed upon you. This year, I will do better. Phil has promised you six more weeks of winter. I now promise you that winter is hereby over – forever.”

“Cold? Snow? Things of the past,” Fil promised. “Instead, I give you warmth, sunshine, and Christmas every day!”

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Not like this was a rare sight, anyway. | Photo credit

Explosive applause from the children. As for the adults, those gathered seemed uncertain whether or not to cheer. Many began to clap at the mention of permanent paradise weather, only to freeze up at the mention of permanent Christmas. Other simply downed their drinks and threw their cash in the air.

“Eh, we were just going to burn it to keep our home warm for the next six weeks, anyway,” explained one celebrant. “Not sure Christmas every day will eat through it fast enough.”

Fil and his congregation returned peacefully to the Womp, while befuddled residents trailed back to their homes. Students of the Fenclave stayed late into the night raking up all the cash with the help of the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG).

“I am constantly blown away by the disrespect these people show to the environment,” said GREG Chairman Kelvin Ermits. “All this litter – we provided receptacles for paper, plastic and glass at every exit! How much easier can we make it?”

Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone said, “I think the thing we need to address, and no one is talking about this – but all this paper is actually, like, money. I mean, it’s old money. We can’t, like, Venmo it or anything. But Prezzy Jimmy says it has legit value, so we’re collecting it to add to our burgeoning economy.”

“Hey,” Blackstone added, looking over her shoulder to Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo for guidance. “Do colleges take this stuff?”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 72nd Edition: They Came from Outer Space

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Christmas presents weren’t the only thing that was opened in Fauxhasset this morning. There’s also a brand new space-time portal above Castle Girdlehausen that opened while Fauxhasset slept.

Residents awoke to a snowy Christmas morning, but not in quite the way they might have hoped: instead of falling out of the sky, the thick white flakes were falling upwards into the sky, all seemingly streaming toward a single point directly above the new Castle Girdlehausen in the Mecca Mile wetlands.

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“We made it!” exclaimed this unidentified alien in a Snapchat story sent to his home planet, JELAMENA-8. Photo credit

It was difficult to get very close, as the castle was heavily guarded by an army of cyborgs that hotelier Ord Girdlehyde had been generously hosting at the hotel until Town officials could figure out how to either employ them or get rid of them. There was also a very large exodus of very small, red-nosed reindeer underfoot that the gathering crowd was afraid to step on, thus keeping most onlookers at bay.

However, a close-up view was not needed, and may have been ill-advised anyway. The rift was clearly visible from afar, and when the Paroder arrived on the scene, a very strange procession indeed was emerging from the hole in space.

Aliens, readers. Tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, fat ones, green ones, purple ones, and (perhaps most upsetting of all) ones that looked just like us. Fauxhasset is no stranger to aliens, but this many all in one place and all at once – well, residents were rightfully concerned.

“Our tax dollars are supposed to protect us from this sort of thing,” boomed Larry Lembas, a former resident of Achey Cedars Way, which has been mostly abandoned since strange symbols were discovered on the street in July.

Lembas’s former neighbor Charles LeRouge swirled his red wine, sniffed, and agreed.

Paranormal investigator Buster DeGost had rushed to the scene in his bathrobe and was scribbling furiously on a map, which depicted the locations of every supernatural incident that had occurred around town for the past year.

DeGost calculated that the coordinates of the rift fell in the precise center of the Fauxhasset Triangle, a perfect equilateral triangle formed by three sites where strange markings painted in red were discovered earlier this year: the Achey Cedars Way cul de sac, the now-vacant property at 8 Lame Jane, and a cave on Fame Island where Punxsutawney Phil had been held prisoner last spring.

“Ah,” was all DeGost said as his pencil slowed and understanding dawned. “I should have known it would be here.”

By mid-morning, the police had arrived in helicopters, as well as a few private citizens whose helicopters were also stalling up in the airspace to watch the drama unfold. Ord Girdlehyde was taken into custody, along with the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) who was apparently in cahoots with him the whole time.

A velociraptor, which the LAW claims to be his “service animal,” is also being held at the police station while the investigation is ongoing.