By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Fauxhasset has always been diverse. We have Gnaw’s shoppers and Cop & GOP shoppers, white wine drinkers and red wine drinkers, country club guys and yacht club guys, soccer moms and football moms, Patriots fans and Red Sox fans.
We live with these tiny civil wars daily; they are a part of us. But today, this peaceful, perfect hamlet by the sea was nearly plunged into a true civil war when children and adults failed to see eye-to-eye about how the town should be run.
One month ago, the Assembly of Chosen filled two vacated seats that opened up when former Chosens Gene Strom and Jiles Knack passed away during the Oldpocalypse. The new occupants were simply wax figures of the former Chosen, possessed with their reincarnated spirits.
But members of the Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs), which governed Fauxhasset through the Oldpocalypse, had hoped to be represented on the board, or at least see the matter put to a vote. When this did not happen, they placed the Temple under siege, demanding a fair and just democratic process.
Now, with just six days left of summer vacation, the children are taking more drastic measures. The divided lower elementary schools – Captain America’s School for the Awesome and Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes – have united for the first time in 100 years to march on the Temple and demand justice.
For decades, parents have been unsure just what their children have been learning at these schools. The teachers have been on strike for almost 118 years, and under the Professorless Independent Education (PIE™) system, students are free to learn about whatever they wish, in whatever manner they see fit.
It now seems that they have truly been studying what the schools’ names claim – that is, how to be superheroes, and how to turn superheroes into snowflakes. Both skill sets served them surprisingly well when they stormed the Temple today.
The girls of Princess Elsa’s turned the boys into snowflakes. Then, a second-grader from Captain America’s named Harrison Hurricane blew them all through an open window, where the staggering heat of the day melted the snowflakes back into humans again.
The superheroes fought their way through secretaries, metal detectors, stacks of paperwork, a jumble of confusing old equipment including tangled phone cords and screaming fax machines, and, finally, the Sphinx that guards the Assembly’s meeting room.
Once there, they removed two hostages from the building: The wax figures of Chosens Gene Strom and Jiles Knack. The figures were placed on the Common in the blazing midday sun, protesting less and less coherently as their faces began to melt in the heat.
Students threatened to let the figures melt completely if their demands were not met. Adults tried to reason with them, but neither police nor parents could disperse the uprising before the figures had been reduced to puddles.
Instead, the heroes of the day were, in fact, troublemakers themselves. Two Men were walking Their Dog and Their Faceless Baby nearby when they noticed the commotion and intervened.
Next thing anyone knew, someone had nominated them to fill the vacant seats themselves, someone else had seconded the motion, and a bunch of people had shouted “Aye,” while other people (but not as many of them) said, “Nay.” Two Men And Their Dog won the seats by a simple majority vote.
“We had no plans to run for office,” Two Men told the Paroder. “Our hands are full with Our beloved Dog and Our precious little Lumin, who’s just starting to learn how to make facial features. But if this is what it takes to bring peace to Fauxhasset, of course We are more than happy to do it.”