Fauxhasset Paroder, 83rd Edition: Well That Escaladed

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

As the pleasant spring weather returns, so too do the less-pleasant perennial spring issues. They crop up year after year, like weeds in our perfect garden of a community. Like Sisyphus, we are bound to heave our boulder up the hill repeatedly for all eternity.

Or at least, we are bound to heave our bodies up the hill to the soccer field on Saturday mornings from the parking lot where soccer parents are SUPPOSED to leave their cars, Fauxhasset – and not from halfway up the hill, parked askew with two wheels in the roadway and two on the sidewalk like savages.

 

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If the Town decides it doesn’t like where you parked… well, sucks for you. | Photo credit

Parking, of course, is an issue as old as time here in Fauxhasset, but it has reached a breaking point now that the aliens have doubled the town’s population – and with it, the number of vehicles its parking lots must accommodate.

The Assembly of Chosen met Monday to discuss. After four hours, attendees were growing restless.

“I don’t see why we can’t just send them all to satellite parking,” said one audience member. “Isn’t that for satellites?”

Everyone knows the answer to that is “No.” According to the bylaws, the satellite parking lot is for employees of the village business district and not for visiting spacecraft.

An alien in attendance noted that she and her family are not “visiting.” She said that she, her husband, their three children, and their extended family have been living at Ord Girdlehyde’s Castle Girdlehausen in the wetlands since January and plan to stay there until the kids graduate from the Fenclave.

Therefore, she said, the bylaw doesn’t apply to them; there’s no reason that, as permanent residents, their parking should be restricted under the Visiting Spacecraft Parking Act of 1969 just because they happen to drive a space vehicle.

Furthermore, she said, her entire extended family shares a single vehicle – a compact electric spacecraft that takes up less space than an Escalade (at least on the outside).

Board members agreed that the size of the vehicles was irrelevant; there are simply too many of them in proportion to the number of available parking spaces in town.

He-Chosen Saul Preston suggested asking the Capital Budget Committee to cough up for that car vaporizer they were talking about last spring.

“The City of Fauxston got a dozen of them last year, and I hear they’re having absolutely no parking issues this season,” Preston said. “It’s also lightened up the traffic on city streets and highways. I think it’s always a good thing when we can take cars off the road – it’s good for the environment.”

The board agreed to put the idea on the Capital Budget Committee’s next agenda.

As the meeting ended, the Paroder caught up with ɱʘиα£ΐϨα, the alien who spoke during the meeting.

“I’m not saying parking isn’t a problem,” said ɱʘиα£ΐϨα. “It clearly is – but it also clearly has been since long before my family came to town. Yes, we are contributing to the problem, but we are just as happy to be part of the solution. All we ask is that the Town stop pointing fingers as if we were to blame, and afford us the same rights as everyone else in town. We pay our taxes, too, you know. We shouldn’t have to park a mile away for everything.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 56th Edition: CAR Troubles

By Sobby Raint-John
Crime Correspondent

Several safety violations were issued  towards The Clandestine Auto Regulators (CAR) earlier this month when they caused tire damage to no less than three automobiles as they made their morning commutes down Fivest Ave. The drivers were not harmed, fortunately, nor were the dozen or so porcupines the group used to puncture the tires.

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The cars, on the other hand, were damaged irreparably. After being pierced through by the indestructible quills, the vehicles gained sentience and lumbered off into the Womp. Photo credit

Police were swift on the scene and quick to realize CAR was the culprit, as speed reduction slogans covered the ground in chalk – a signature move of these local traffic vigilantes. One chalk messaged taunted drivers suggesting they would not have punctured their tires if they had been driving slower.

At first, police were baffled how porcupines could cause such damages and remain unscathed but it was Police Chief Steven Quill who put the pieces together.

“I’m sure by now many of you have heard of the ‘Dark Web,'” said Quill. “People are illicitly trading undeclared items given to them by the Black Hole. Those indestructible porcupines came through the Black Hole and into possession of CAR through the Dark Web. Tracing them to any source will take time and be difficult.”

“While items from the Black Hole have so far been harmless,” said Quill, “we can’t let objects, possibly not of our universe, spread through the town without some accountability. It’s just irresponsible. ”

While violations were written, none as of yet have been served. The members of CAR have always kept to the shadows and without a name or even indication as to how many violations should be written, it is impossible to move forward. For now, police will be placing a detail, Officer Sam Rushmore, on night patrol to watch the Black Hole.

“It’s too bad,” Chief Quill said as his final comment. “CAR’s message is a good one, but their actions have shown us we can’t trust a shadowy and unknowable group with the safety of our town.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 49th Edition: For the love of God, we are begging you to pahk the cah

The Fauxhasset Police Department would like to remind residents that parking on sidewalks in the Village area isn’t classy.

What is this, a trailer park? You can’t just leave your vehicles wherever you want. Parking on sidewalks is a thing that lazy people do, and you’re not lazy, are you? And even if you were, you wouldn’t want your neighbors to know that, would you? No. So put your car in the parking lot where it belongs, or send it home with the valet.

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If you liked it then you shoulda put some bling on it. Wait, that’s not right… Photo Credit

Furthermore, with the solstice behind us, it is now officially summer, so don’t even think about sending your kids to the beach with the au pair if you haven’t bought her a parking pass. No pass, no car. If you liked it then you shoulda put a sticker on it.

As for the employees whose names we won’t name (but we know who you are), please leave public parking spaces open for the public. The satellite parking lot is at your complete disposal since we had Santa’s spaceship towed.

Please give your full and immediate attention to this matter, or the Capital Budget Committee will be forced to spend your tax dollars on a solution, and you won’t like it when they do.

This has been your official legal warning. Further offenses will result in remedial action.

Signed,

The Fauxhasset Police