Fauxhasset Paroder, 42nd Edition: Punxsutawney Punk’d, Part 5

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Read the Punxsutawney Punk’d saga from the beginning]

[Catch up on the latest installment]

 

groundhog

It’s the ciiiiiiircle of liiiiiiife after death. Photo credit

The most hated man in town is now a hero.

Ord Girdlehyde, owner of Pacifica, Ye Olde Salt House, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor (he’s kind of a big deal) cut short his winter holiday on the African savannah and returned to snowy Fauxhasset to search for Punxsutawney Phil, missing since Feb. 2. And he found him.

Girdlehyde teamed up with JJ Henry, developer of the 8 Lame Jane townhomes, and a band of coyotes who had been living at the Mad Elephant Hotel to sniff out the missing groundhog.

“The bad weather was crippling our business,” Girdlehyde said. “The black hole in the harbor was one thing, but nobody wants to get married in the snow.”

“Construction was at a standstill,” added Henry. “We actually convinced the Planning Board to lift the cease and desist order, but a lot of good it did us with all this snow.”

Our heroes found Phil on Fame Island in a dead-end tunnel, blocked in by a large boulder that had been rolled in front of the mouth of the cave.

The property owner had started blasting the tunnel out of the coastal ledge to build a knock-off Space Mountain roller coaster before the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) told him he couldn’t put a theme park on the island for environmental reasons. Now, what had been intended as a fun escape had become a prison.

Upon rolling the boulder aside, the men were briefly blinded by a bright light emanating from the cave. No… not from the cave. From the groundhog inside. As their eyes adjusted, the radiant rodent turned to face them.

“The time of shadows is past,” said Punxsutawney Phil in a deep baritone – and indeed, he cast no shadow, only light: a sure sign that spring had arrived.

The imposter, dubbed “Fauxsutawney Fil” by locals, still has not been apprehended, but his sway over the town seems to have diminished already. The snow has stopped falling, and the sun even broke through the clouds this morning. The uppermost layers of snow have begun to soften.

Still, it’s likely to be a while yet before we’re rid of these 3,141 inches of snow. So keep rationing that milky bread, and as always, remember to tip your carrier squirrel.

It’s probably safe to stop with the burnt offerings, though.

[Punxsutawney Punk’d, Part 6]

Advertisements

Fauxhasset Paroder, 39th Edition: Yoga of the Future

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

From Acro to Zen, the local yoga scene offers a veritable buffet of styles. But what’s left to do once you’ve tried Hatha, Restorative, Bikram, and Vinyasa? When the novelty has worn off bare, beach, and midnight yoga? When dance yoga, combat yoga, and deep-sea yoga might as well be Yin, for all the excitement you get from them?

beach-1853902_1920

When beach yoga just isn’t stretching you enough, that’s the universe telling you it’s time to try Infinity Yoga! [Photo via Pixabay.com]

Look no further than Infinity Yoga, the new studio on the harbor where dual-certified yogi astronauts are giving a whole new meaning to “anti-gravity yoga.”

“We have a very strong yoga family in this community – very strong, and very flexible,” said owner Rainbow Moon. “Our practitioners are willing to try anything and everything once, and that’s why we have so many successful studios in town.”

“But here at Infinity Yoga,” said Moon, “we’re pioneering something that’s never been done before. You didn’t see it first in New York or L.A. or even India. You saw it right here in Fauxhasset.”

That’s because Fauxhasset has something that New York, L.A., and India don’t: its very own black hole. Contractors accidentally tore the rift in the space-time continuum during routine harbor dredging and it has now drained the shallows as well as swallowing all the town’s lobster boats and moorings.

But on the bright side, the harbor channel is no longer blocked, and the incident opened the door for Moon to achieve her Goddess-given purpose in life: to create the yoga of the future.

Moon hired NASA scientists to suspend her zero-gravity studio just above the black hole. Due to the singularity’s effects on space-time, the studio is only intermittently visible, and a deep meditative state must be achieved before students can enter.

“It’s unreal,” said one practitioner after class. “It’s like you pass through this wall of light and noise, and it just gets brighter and brighter, louder and louder, and then – absolute dark. Absolute silence. Then, you start to hear music and see lights around you. But it’s different for everyone.”

Some students claim to have seen visions triggered by the violent warping of space-time in the area. For Moon, that’s all part of the package.

“Yoga is supposed to stretch your mind,” said Moon. “If you see something incomprehensible and leave my studio weeping, that’s a gift from Goddess. You are blessed.

Even if you don’t hear from a higher power, Infinity Yoga can help you achieve a variety of goals.

Need to lose a little weight? Zero-gravity yoga is guaranteed to help. Step into the Infinity studio and you will instantly weigh 100 percent less than you did before arriving.

Need to rise above all those little stresses that pepper your work and home life? Leave your problems at the door, confined by the archaic laws of physics, and just let yourself go. You deserve it.

 

***If you found your way here via the April Fool’s post on the Cohasset Mariner website, thanks for clicking through! I hope this story brightened your day. For more like this, please subscribe by clicking the “Follow” button in the right hand column. I post 1-2 local satire pieces a week!***

Fauxhasset Paroder, 37th Edition: Sea level at its lowest since 1702

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It’s been four weeks since the dredging team opened up a black hole in the harbor, and the shallows have completely drained following a 10-foot drop in sea level.

United Kingdom, Channel Islands, Jersey, Gorey Marina At Low Tide.

Just out of frame, Johnny Depp is demanding, “But why is the water gone?” Photo credit

While the anomaly should have no further impact on global sea levels, the constant suck of the black hole has created a perpetual space-time tornado above the site, posing a serious threat to nearby residents and businesses.

“Threat?” shouted one abutter over the roar of the wind. “This tornado is the best thing that’s ever happened to the harbor. The constant partying over at the Mad Elephant Hotel was driving us crazy, but I can’t hear it at all anymore. I’m getting the best sleep I’ve had since moving to Fauxhasset!”

“Threat?” said another neighbor in a 40-inch rant on the community Facebook page. “The greatest threat to the harbor was Ord Girdlehyde buying up all the businesses last summer. That guy is a human tornado. No act of nature, either natural or supernatural, could possibly damage the harbor business district more than he has. By comparison, this actual, literal tornado can hardly be called a threat.”

“Threat?” said hotel owner Ord Girdlehyde by phone from his winter home on the African savannah. “We are not worried about it. My staff will ensure that no harm comes to any of our guests – human, coyote, or otherwise. Our transient as well as our permanent residents can rest assured. Management is keeping a very close eye on the situation.”

Management had, in fact, served its resignation notice the day the black hole opened, and the manager in question just finished working his final shift. He was last seen throwing down a dish towel, declaring the whole town insane, and peeling out of the satellite parking lot, which (contrary to popular opinion) is reserved for employees and not for visiting spacecraft.

Town officials are just trying to make the best of the situation. In light of the curse laid upon Fauxhasset last week, damning the community to endless winter until one and all repent to Our Groundhog Lord and Savior RALPH, this tornado is the least of everyone’s worries.

The Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is working to harness the wind to generate electricity for the community.

“It seems inevitable that this never-ending blizzard will eventually take out all our power wires,” said GREG, “and National Grid has already refused to make any more repairs until we get the snow situation under control. Said it’s like dumping money into a black hole.”

“Of course, it’s completely different, and we invited them to come throw some cash into our black hole for comparison – ‘For science,’ we told them. But they just hung up on us.”

If you are without power, use the hashtag #Charybdisgate on social media or send a carrier squirrel to the Panic Brigade. They will happily help you dig out, spoon for warmth, or forage for food just as soon as they stop hyperventilating in the corner.

“This is what I love about Fauxhasset,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “They’re troopers, always ready to make the most of a bad situation.”