By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
From Acro to Zen, the local yoga scene offers a veritable buffet of styles. But what’s left to do once you’ve tried Hatha, Restorative, Bikram, and Vinyasa? When the novelty has worn off bare, beach, and midnight yoga? When dance yoga, combat yoga, and deep-sea yoga might as well be Yin, for all the excitement you get from them?
When beach yoga just isn’t stretching you enough, that’s the universe telling you it’s time to try Infinity Yoga! [Photo via Pixabay.com]
Look no further than Infinity Yoga, the new studio on the harbor where dual-certified yogi astronauts are giving a whole new meaning to “anti-gravity yoga.”
“We have a very strong yoga family in this community – very strong, and very flexible,” said owner Rainbow Moon. “Our practitioners are willing to try anything and everything once, and that’s why we have so many successful studios in town.”
“But here at Infinity Yoga,” said Moon, “we’re pioneering something that’s never been done before. You didn’t see it first in New York or L.A. or even India. You saw it right here in Fauxhasset.”
That’s because Fauxhasset has something that New York, L.A., and India don’t: its very own black hole. Contractors accidentally tore the rift in the space-time continuum during routine harbor dredging and it has now drained the shallows as well as swallowing all the town’s lobster boats and moorings.
But on the bright side, the harbor channel is no longer blocked, and the incident opened the door for Moon to achieve her Goddess-given purpose in life: to create the yoga of the future.
Moon hired NASA scientists to suspend her zero-gravity studio just above the black hole. Due to the singularity’s effects on space-time, the studio is only intermittently visible, and a deep meditative state must be achieved before students can enter.
“It’s unreal,” said one practitioner after class. “It’s like you pass through this wall of light and noise, and it just gets brighter and brighter, louder and louder, and then – absolute dark. Absolute silence. Then, you start to hear music and see lights around you. But it’s different for everyone.”
Some students claim to have seen visions triggered by the violent warping of space-time in the area. For Moon, that’s all part of the package.
“Yoga is supposed to stretch your mind,” said Moon. “If you see something incomprehensible and leave my studio weeping, that’s a gift from Goddess. You are blessed.”
Even if you don’t hear from a higher power, Infinity Yoga can help you achieve a variety of goals.
Need to lose a little weight? Zero-gravity yoga is guaranteed to help. Step into the Infinity studio and you will instantly weigh 100 percent less than you did before arriving.
Need to rise above all those little stresses that pepper your work and home life? Leave your problems at the door, confined by the archaic laws of physics, and just let yourself go. You deserve it.
***If you found your way here via the April Fool’s post on the Cohasset Mariner website, thanks for clicking through! I hope this story brightened your day. For more like this, please subscribe by clicking the “Follow” button in the right hand column. I post 1-2 local satire pieces a week!***