Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Black hole not so green

Dear Editor,

We are GREG (the Green and Renewable Energy Group, for the ignorant many complaining about, yet still using, the Moonchedder Easter cups).

Last week your paper ran a story about the Fauxhasset black hole: You know, that mysterious rift in space and possibly time that seems to be a perfect dumping ground and trans-galactic boutique.

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How do you know your carelessness isn’t cluttering up this majestic creature’s front lawn? Photo credit

To you residents of Fauxhasset using the black hole to throw away your trash, we are telling you to stop now. You are damaging and polluting the universe with your frivolous use of this mighty astronomical occurrence. You cannot see where your trash is going, so how do you know it is not irrevocably harming some poor space whale’s habitat?

There has to be something on the other side of the black hole. Objects are coming back through the rift, after all. We watched as town glutton Nom Chompsky sent through 42 perfectly recyclable paper Moonchedder cups into the rift (that’s right Nom Chompsky, we are aware of how much Moonchedder coffee you drink daily) and received a moderately used 1997 Ford pickup truck. Those cups could have been used to feed tens of thousands of colonies of fungus!

We at GREG are demanding the town hire a consultant to study the black hole and determine where our disposables are going and if it poses any ecological threat to Fauxhasset or the greater universe.

GREG

P.S. Please run this in the online edition of the paper only so as not to use more unnecessary resources.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 43rd Edition: Stay trashy, Fauxhasset

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Attention, all Fauxhasset residents: the transfer station and boutique have been relocated to the harbor, where employees are taking advantage of the strange metaphysical properties of the black hole that was accidentally opened during routine dredging of the harbor.

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No more landfills! Hmm, wonder where all that trash is going…. Oh well; not our problem. Photo credit

Now more than ever, it is critical that you utilize the designated blue trash bags for all waste. Glass recyclables should be placed in a yellow bag, metal in red, and plastic in black. Bring organic waste such as lawn cuttings, banana peels, and dog poop in one of the town’s official organic hemp bags.

Be sure to separate “tech trash” such as batteries, printer cartridges, printers, computer monitors, and hadron colliders into the official white bags. Note that relics such as typewriters, corded telephones, and fax machines should be brought to the Historical Society, not the transfer station.

If you do not color code your waste and recyclables, the black hole will not know how to process them. So please be diligent about using only the official bags designated by the town, which are available for purchase at the transfer station as well as the Cop & GOP and Gnaws grocery stores.

As for the boutique, it has been replaced by a cosmic swap shop. Simply throw your undesired household items into the black hole (without a bag!) to receive a mystery item in return.

Two Men threw in the couch Their Dog had chewed up and received 99 red balloons from the vortex. Shannon Blackstone, a sophomore at the Fenclave, trashed her ex-boyfriend’s hoodie and went home with a large brass pocket watch, ticking backwards. Ben Bentley, the richest man in town, traded his six unwanted Porsches for six small, crystalline dice with strange, fluctuating symbols on their 20 faces.

Note that the black hole is unable to process the following: unpaid bills, old love letters, ’90s pop CDs, hopes, dreams, small children, teenagers, or spouses. The Town regrets any inconvenience.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 39th Edition: Yoga of the Future

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

From Acro to Zen, the local yoga scene offers a veritable buffet of styles. But what’s left to do once you’ve tried Hatha, Restorative, Bikram, and Vinyasa? When the novelty has worn off bare, beach, and midnight yoga? When dance yoga, combat yoga, and deep-sea yoga might as well be Yin, for all the excitement you get from them?

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When beach yoga just isn’t stretching you enough, that’s the universe telling you it’s time to try Infinity Yoga! [Photo via Pixabay.com]

Look no further than Infinity Yoga, the new studio on the harbor where dual-certified yogi astronauts are giving a whole new meaning to “anti-gravity yoga.”

“We have a very strong yoga family in this community – very strong, and very flexible,” said owner Rainbow Moon. “Our practitioners are willing to try anything and everything once, and that’s why we have so many successful studios in town.”

“But here at Infinity Yoga,” said Moon, “we’re pioneering something that’s never been done before. You didn’t see it first in New York or L.A. or even India. You saw it right here in Fauxhasset.”

That’s because Fauxhasset has something that New York, L.A., and India don’t: its very own black hole. Contractors accidentally tore the rift in the space-time continuum during routine harbor dredging and it has now drained the shallows as well as swallowing all the town’s lobster boats and moorings.

But on the bright side, the harbor channel is no longer blocked, and the incident opened the door for Moon to achieve her Goddess-given purpose in life: to create the yoga of the future.

Moon hired NASA scientists to suspend her zero-gravity studio just above the black hole. Due to the singularity’s effects on space-time, the studio is only intermittently visible, and a deep meditative state must be achieved before students can enter.

“It’s unreal,” said one practitioner after class. “It’s like you pass through this wall of light and noise, and it just gets brighter and brighter, louder and louder, and then – absolute dark. Absolute silence. Then, you start to hear music and see lights around you. But it’s different for everyone.”

Some students claim to have seen visions triggered by the violent warping of space-time in the area. For Moon, that’s all part of the package.

“Yoga is supposed to stretch your mind,” said Moon. “If you see something incomprehensible and leave my studio weeping, that’s a gift from Goddess. You are blessed.

Even if you don’t hear from a higher power, Infinity Yoga can help you achieve a variety of goals.

Need to lose a little weight? Zero-gravity yoga is guaranteed to help. Step into the Infinity studio and you will instantly weigh 100 percent less than you did before arriving.

Need to rise above all those little stresses that pepper your work and home life? Leave your problems at the door, confined by the archaic laws of physics, and just let yourself go. You deserve it.

 

***If you found your way here via the April Fool’s post on the Cohasset Mariner website, thanks for clicking through! I hope this story brightened your day. For more like this, please subscribe by clicking the “Follow” button in the right hand column. I post 1-2 local satire pieces a week!***