By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
There’s nothing like the New Year: a time for beginnings, yet equally, a time for endings.
The suspects confessed to police that opening the portal was a plot by hotelier Ord Girdlehyde, the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW), and would-be Fame Island developer Zohn Donne, who recently departed on a cruise around the asteroid belt and will not be back for several years (at which time he will immediately be placed under arrest).
It is also the end of the black hole in the harbor, which, after vomiting out all the detritus residents had thrown into it over the past almost-year, also coughed up all the seawater it had swallowed, refilling the harbor to its natural depth.
But let us look now to the new beginnings.
For instance, it is the beginning of an era in which citizens must share their beloved hometown (parking spaces included) with a large new contingent of alien residents. It is also the beginning of a new era in local yoga instruction: The zero-gravity yoga studio formerly located above the black hole will reopen as an underwater studio next month.
These are just a few examples of the beginnings and endings that our town is looking at this January.
Fauxhasset, we asked you to share your beginnings and endings with us, as well, so without further ado, here’s what you and your neighbors hope to achieve in the new year. Be sure to hang this article on your fridge so you can judge each other when you fail.
Two Men And Their Dog: To be the three best parents we can be.
Punxsutawney Phil: To not get kidnapped this Groundhog Day.
Unidentified 63-year-old woman: I plan to start attending underwater yoga to limber up this reverse-aging body of mine!
Ord Girdlehyde, Mad Elephant Hotel & Castle Girdlehausen: Make money. Get out of jail. Then make money.
Sean McJeffrey, Fuglyoaks Lane resident: Finally get that tax credit for the king-size candy bars the Town forces us to give out on Halloween.
Devan Branch, Full-Time Jedi: I now dedicate my life to facilitating peace between humans and aliens on Earth, as I have been called to do. May the Force be with me, and you, and all whom you love, now and forever. Amen.
Father Mumblehill, Flaxen Mary Abbey: I and my students vow to keep vigil at this new monstrosity which the powers of Satan hath wrought above Castle Girdlehausen. Some of you have foolishly decided to welcome the aliens and help them fit in, but we know God’s truth is that these creatures have come to us straight from the pits of hell to test our faith. They even call their home planet JELAMENA-8. Hear how it sounds like “Hell – Amen?” Be vigilant, Fauxhasset. These aliens may look like us, and talk like us, and act like us, but they are not like us.
Town Manager Mown Tanager: To plan the greatest celebration ever for Fauxhasset’s upcoming 2,500th anniversary. Hard to believe our little town has been around for two and a half millennia! Anyone who wants to help with the festivities should reach out to Town Hall as soon as possible.
GREG (Green and Renewable Energy Group): To purge Fauxhasset’s waters of that foul glitter spilled at the Castle Girdlehausen worksite this fall.
Dooey Lembas, Spokeschild for Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes: To turn more superheroes into snowflakes. We’ve hardly had any snow at all this year, so we’re clearly not doing our job! We are sorry, Fauxhasset, and we promise to do better.
Thamanda Crompson, Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter: To find forever homes for the dozens of cats that have been spawning outside of our office since November. I’ve adopted my 10 cats; have you?