by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
The Futuristical Society is over the moon about the $40 million it just raised to convert the historic Peachhood Church into a space center. The society held a silent auction on June 9 with the goal of raising a modest $400,000 – barely enough to buy the church, let alone convert it.
But when Ord Girdlehyde, owner of Pacifica, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and Ye Olde Pepper Mill, got into a bidding war with Ben Bentley, the richest man in town, over whose name the future space center would bear, the numbers just kept getting higher.
Bentley ultimately won. He is, after all, worth over $1 billion, while Girdlehyde spent all his money buying the harbor estate that includes his hotel and two restaurants. Ben Bentley could forget $40 million in his back pocket and run it through the wash accidentally.
The space center will be called the “Benjamin Buckminster Bentley III Center for Space Observation and Exploration.”
A young couple that just moved to town won the space center wedding package. Orion Vanta and Monica Moniker will be the first couple married in the space center when it is completed – which could still be a few years, even though the Futuristical Society now has all the funding it needs to do the job.
The couple wasn’t in a hurry.
“This gives us plenty of time to plan,” said Moniker. “We can have planet centerpieces and little LED place cards at every setting…”
The interview ended as Moniker got lost in a Pinterest board. Vanta was too spaced out to comment.
Dooey Lembas, a second-grader at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes, won a starter telescope but did not take the prize home with her.
Lembas told the Paroder that she had been trying to win the asteroid belt cruise, but the auctioneer had removed her entries because she was under 18. The telescope had been his idea of a consolation prize.
“Stinking useless!” Lembas said. “I wanted the cruise so I could go look for my brother in space. What good is a telescope? Even if I see him, I won’t be able to bring him back with a stupid telescope!”
Shorty Lembas, a kindergarten student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome, was eaten by a pothole last November, and Lembas has been on a crusade to find and/or avenge him ever since.
The luxury cruise around the asteroid belt went to Zohn Donne, former owner and would-be developer of Fame Island. Having failed to build his organic, fame-themed amusement park in Fauxhasset, Donne said the cruise would be an opportunity for him and his family to assess other possible sites for the park.
Town Glutton Nom Chompsky adopted Lembas’s rejected telescope, determined that the instrument would show him whether the moon was, indeed, made of cheese, as Mooncheddar Coffee has led him to believe.
Assembly of Chosen Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk went home with a tiny glass vial on a chain, which contained a chip of ledge from “the other Fauxhasset” located in an adjacent reality.
Finally, your reporter somehow won a trip back in time to witness her own birth. Seriously, she doesn’t know how that happened. Her salary is [redacted]. She had $2.07 in her pocket and wrote it on the auction card on a whim.
Turns out that the idea of watching one’s own birth was too weird for anyone else to even bother. So, perhaps the time has finally come for Thamanda Crompson to find out where she came from. Because as far as she can tell, her life began in medias res sometime late last October.
Wish me luck, Fauxhasset.