Fauxhasset Paroder, 54th Edition: Punxsutawney Punk’d, Part 6

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Read the Punxsutawney Punk’d saga from the beginning]

[Refresh your memory on the latest episode]

Things have been quiet in the Womp. Too quiet. Even the pig-bear and her cub haven’t been seen in a while. We at the Paroder were starting to get suspicious, so we assembled an investigative team to go and, well, investigate.

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Repent and worship. Photo credit

Your reporter was joined by the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) and Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi, Part-Time Pirate, and Part-Time Wandering Minstrel, who has been trying to redeem himself since the pirate flag incident.

LAW led the search, veering off the beaten path to follow some sign or scent invisible to us. But it wasn’t long before everyone could hear it: the telltale heart, the drum-like beat, the thrumming womp-womp-womp that had earned the state park its name.

The trees grew close, blocking out the sun. Progress grew slow and labored. Just as we thought we would be forced to turn back – a fact we signaled to one another with sign language, since the womping had grown so loud – we broke through into a moonlit clearing. This despite having started our journey at around 10:00 in the morning. We certainly had not walked for 12 hours. And yet, it was night.

And it was loud. Not just with womping, but with animal sounds. The clearing was full of them, cheeping and chirping and barking and hissing and flapping. At the center rose a tower that was surely tall enough to be seen for miles, though no one in the outside world seemed to have noticed it. It was built from concrete scraps with bits of graffiti on the sides. And at the top, sitting in a scrap metal throne…

“Fil,” growled the LAW, charging forward, gun drawn.

Fauxsutawney Fil is an armed and dangerous raccoon who emerged from the Hallowed Burrow on Groundhog Day, claiming to be the reincarnation of the original Roman groundhog RALPH (Romulus Augustus Legolas Petrificus-totalus Hedghogius).

When the community refused to believe him and repent, Fil had vanished into the Womp, leaving the town to clean up his mess – namely, the Mile-High Snow of 2017, not to mention the still-missing Mr. Phil (later found trapped in a cave on Fame Island).

The LAW has been looking for the impostor ever since. But today was not to be his day. The animal sounds quickly turned unfriendly as the LAW barreled through the crowd, and he didn’t get far before they’d arrested him altogether. He was tied up with snakes and carried away by wolves. If he made a sound, it was only to whisper futilely, for the animal whisperer had finally met his match.

“My friends!” boomed Fil. “So good to see you. I take it you’ve come to repent.”

“Hells nah,” said Branch.

The next thing we knew, those unfriendly animal sounds were all around us, and we were borne away by the crowd. Readers, things look grim for us. I write this on my dying cell phone from Fil’s concrete prison. I don’t know if I can even post from here. Honestly, I’m not even sure this is the same universe I woke up in, and I can’t afford the inter-dimensional data plan.

If you’re able to read this, then please, notify the authorities. The police, the Panic Brigade, the Regional Animal Whisperer – whoever you can find. Both of us are (for the moment) alive and unharmed. The pig-bear snuck us a bag of potato chips and a crumbled Pop-Tart, so at least we won’t starve. But we don’t know Fil’s plans, and he seems like the unhinged type, so the sooner you send help, the better.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 34th edition: Punxsutawney Punk’d (Part 3)

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Read the Punxsutawney Punk’d saga from the beginning]

[Catch up on the latest installment]

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Police sketch of Fauxsutawney Fil, the raccoon posing as groundhog Punxsutawney Phil (who still has not been found). Photo credit

A large, angry raccoon, which locals have dubbed “Fauxsatawney Fil,” has been on the run from the LAW (Local Animal Whisperer) since February 2. Police and Radiation State Park rangers are stumped.

Fauxsatawney Fil emerged screaming from the Hallowed Burrow on Groundhog Day, advising the thousands camped out on the Common that nuclear winter was nigh and they should all repent.

“When there’s a weird animal in town, sooner or later it always ends up in the Womp,” said Senior Ranger Roc Rubble. (“The Womp” is how Peachhooders and other abutters refer to the park because of the noises that come out of it at night.)

“But in this case,” said Rubble, “we haven’t heard a thing. Or at least, no things any stranger than usual. Definitely no screaming raccoons.”

Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi, said he had been trying to attract the creature with a variety of bait – peanut butter, chicken, Pop-Tarts, even a roll of Ye Olde Pepper Mill’s $500 incandescent sushi – but all he’d caught so far was the Womp’s own resident pig-bear and its cub. Several times.

The LAW thinks Fauxsatawney Fil has already skipped town. “He’s big, but not so big that he couldn’t slip across town lines under cover of darkness, especially if he cut through the Womp,” said the officer.

“Who knows where he is now? Proxituate? Kingham? He could be as far as Borewell or even Pemborke by now,” said the LAW. “I said we should have gotten the RAW on this case right off the bat. Bringing him in now, we’ve just made his job that much harder.”

The Regional Animal Whisperer arrived in Fauxhasset this morning and will be working with the LAW and local rangers to locate the angry impostor. Stay tuned for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

[Punxsutawney Punk’d, Part 4]

Fauxhasset Paroder, 21st Edition: Please don’t feed the wildlife

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

This should go without saying, but with the coyote population on the rise and police reports about the wily creatures following suit, it bears repeating: people of Fauxhasset, do not feed the coyotes. Seriously, whoever is doing it, stop.

Now, we all know coyotes aren’t as bad as everyone thinks. There have only been five reported cases of coyotes biting humans in Fauxachusetts — ever — and only two known fatal attacks in North America in the history of our country. But that doesn’t mean coyotes make good pets. These aren’t stray cats; they’re wild animals.

How wild? Well, one coyote clan got a little too comfortable in a neighborhood off Whelming Street down by the harbor and threw a rager Saturday night. They booked a DJ, loaded up on wolfsbane (an herb that acts as a narcotic among canines and has strong anthropomorphic effects), and partied into the wee hours of the morning, howling all the while.

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DJ Huzkiii dropped some sick beats over Whelming Street this weekend. And by “sick,” we mean neighbors were really sick of it. Photo credit

Neighbors said it was definitively “wild,” and many felt threatened by the howling, which they took for a sign of aggression. Coyotes on the scene said they were just letting off a little steam after another long week of the grind. They said they didn’t mean to frighten anyone and had no intent of attacking.

It took K-9 units from six towns to quell the disturbance. The crowd finally dispersed a little after 3:00 a.m. Three coyotes were taken into protective custody for refusing to cooperate with authorities. Protective custody is a tool police can use to handle intoxicated individuals and is not an arrest.

Mad Elephant Hotel owner Ord Girdlehyde offered free lodging to those who had traveled and had no transportation home and no place to stay. (The MFTA commuter rail, of course, doesn’t run this far into the suburbs, or that late at night.)

“I just want to get them off the street and give them someplace safe to go so that everybody can get some sleep,” Girdlehyde told police at the time of the incident – by phone, of course, as he had already departed for his winter home in the African savannah. He had learned about the commotion after one of the coyotes livestreamed portions of the party on Facebook.

“If giving the coyotes free lodging is what it takes to solve the problem, then okay, give them free lodging,” he said.

Cranky, sleep-deprived neighbors weren’t so sure of Girdlehyde’s motives.

“He put them up to it,” insisted one abutter. “It’s not ‘solving the problem’ if you created the problem in the first place. I’ll bet Ord booked the DJ himself! And who do you think has been feeding all these coyotes so they keep coming back? Ord doesn’t care about Fauxhasset. He doesn’t even live here.”

Despite Girdlehyde’s unpopularity with certain residents, police were confident that no man could have acted alone to create the “coyote crisis” gripping the town.

“It’s been a slow build,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “Every town in Fauxachusetts was seeing the same thing. We didn’t think much of it when the calls started rolling in this fall, because everyone was having the same problem. Now we see that people weren’t just crying wolf.”

In addition to refraining from feeding coyotes, residents are urged to keep an eye on pets, especially when letting them out at night. If you see a coyote, police recommend “hazing” it by making a loud noise or throwing an object to startle it away.

Flash grenades are available from the Panic Brigade for interested residents, while supplies last.

This story is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner, with more tips on how to coexist peacefully with coyotes.