Fauxhasset Paroder, 34th edition: Punxsutawney Punk’d (Part 3)

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Read the Punxsutawney Punk’d saga from the beginning]

[Catch up on the latest installment]

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Police sketch of Fauxsutawney Fil, the raccoon posing as groundhog Punxsutawney Phil (who still has not been found). Photo credit

A large, angry raccoon, which locals have dubbed “Fauxsatawney Fil,” has been on the run from the LAW (Local Animal Whisperer) since February 2. Police and Radiation State Park rangers are stumped.

Fauxsatawney Fil emerged screaming from the Hallowed Burrow on Groundhog Day, advising the thousands camped out on the Common that nuclear winter was nigh and they should all repent.

“When there’s a weird animal in town, sooner or later it always ends up in the Womp,” said Senior Ranger Roc Rubble. (“The Womp” is how Peachhooders and other abutters refer to the park because of the noises that come out of it at night.)

“But in this case,” said Rubble, “we haven’t heard a thing. Or at least, no things any stranger than usual. Definitely no screaming raccoons.”

Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi, said he had been trying to attract the creature with a variety of bait – peanut butter, chicken, Pop-Tarts, even a roll of Ye Olde Pepper Mill’s $500 incandescent sushi – but all he’d caught so far was the Womp’s own resident pig-bear and its cub. Several times.

The LAW thinks Fauxsatawney Fil has already skipped town. “He’s big, but not so big that he couldn’t slip across town lines under cover of darkness, especially if he cut through the Womp,” said the officer.

“Who knows where he is now? Proxituate? Kingham? He could be as far as Borewell or even Pemborke by now,” said the LAW. “I said we should have gotten the RAW on this case right off the bat. Bringing him in now, we’ve just made his job that much harder.”

The Regional Animal Whisperer arrived in Fauxhasset this morning and will be working with the LAW and local rangers to locate the angry impostor. Stay tuned for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

[Punxsutawney Punk’d, Part 4]

Fauxhasset Paroder, 21st Edition: Please don’t feed the wildlife

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

This should go without saying, but with the coyote population on the rise and police reports about the wily creatures following suit, it bears repeating: people of Fauxhasset, do not feed the coyotes. Seriously, whoever is doing it, stop.

Now, we all know coyotes aren’t as bad as everyone thinks. There have only been five reported cases of coyotes biting humans in Fauxachusetts — ever — and only two known fatal attacks in North America in the history of our country. But that doesn’t mean coyotes make good pets. These aren’t stray cats; they’re wild animals.

How wild? Well, one coyote clan got a little too comfortable in a neighborhood off Whelming Street down by the harbor and threw a rager Saturday night. They booked a DJ, loaded up on wolfsbane (an herb that acts as a narcotic among canines and has strong anthropomorphic effects), and partied into the wee hours of the morning, howling all the while.

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DJ Huzkiii dropped some sick beats over Whelming Street this weekend. And by “sick,” we mean neighbors were really sick of it. Photo credit

Neighbors said it was definitively “wild,” and many felt threatened by the howling, which they took for a sign of aggression. Coyotes on the scene said they were just letting off a little steam after another long week of the grind. They said they didn’t mean to frighten anyone and had no intent of attacking.

It took K-9 units from six towns to quell the disturbance. The crowd finally dispersed a little after 3:00 a.m. Three coyotes were taken into protective custody for refusing to cooperate with authorities. Protective custody is a tool police can use to handle intoxicated individuals and is not an arrest.

Mad Elephant Hotel owner Ord Girdlehyde offered free lodging to those who had traveled and had no transportation home and no place to stay. (The MFTA commuter rail, of course, doesn’t run this far into the suburbs, or that late at night.)

“I just want to get them off the street and give them someplace safe to go so that everybody can get some sleep,” Girdlehyde told police at the time of the incident – by phone, of course, as he had already departed for his winter home in the African savannah. He had learned about the commotion after one of the coyotes livestreamed portions of the party on Facebook.

“If giving the coyotes free lodging is what it takes to solve the problem, then okay, give them free lodging,” he said.

Cranky, sleep-deprived neighbors weren’t so sure of Girdlehyde’s motives.

“He put them up to it,” insisted one abutter. “It’s not ‘solving the problem’ if you created the problem in the first place. I’ll bet Ord booked the DJ himself! And who do you think has been feeding all these coyotes so they keep coming back? Ord doesn’t care about Fauxhasset. He doesn’t even live here.”

Despite Girdlehyde’s unpopularity with certain residents, police were confident that no man could have acted alone to create the “coyote crisis” gripping the town.

“It’s been a slow build,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “Every town in Fauxachusetts was seeing the same thing. We didn’t think much of it when the calls started rolling in this fall, because everyone was having the same problem. Now we see that people weren’t just crying wolf.”

In addition to refraining from feeding coyotes, residents are urged to keep an eye on pets, especially when letting them out at night. If you see a coyote, police recommend “hazing” it by making a loud noise or throwing an object to startle it away.

Flash grenades are available from the Panic Brigade for interested residents, while supplies last.

This story is a parody. Read the original article from the Cohasset Mariner, with more tips on how to coexist peacefully with coyotes.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 16th Edition: Oh deer, deer, deer

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Car accidents involving deer are piling up. There were another dozen crashes this week, including two that involved a soccer mom whose Range Rover was totaled by a deer earlier this month.

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Officials say the beast has been slain. Unofficials not so sure; advise “stay woke.” Photo credit

“I’ll say the same thing I said the last two times,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh, standing away from a seven-car pile-up that included her brand-new Tesla. “That thing was not a deer.”

Marsh shook her head and added, “Fauxhasset’s supposed to be such a great place to raise your kids, but my sons are terrified, and my husband and I don’t want them outside with some… some monster on the loose. I can’t believe those idiots at Town Hall haven’t done something about this.”

As a matter of fact, those idiots at Town Hall had done something about it, or at least they’d tried.

“We’re doing everything we possibly can,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager at the scene of the accident. “For such a large creature, these deer are incredibly hard to track. We don’t even know how many of them there are – is it the same animal causing accidents over and over, or are there hundreds of them out in the woods somewhere? We just don’t know.”

“And by the way, we don’t know for sure that they aren’t just ordinary deer,” Tanager added. “I’m inclined to say that they are, but the witness reports are uncannily consistent across the board, and we can’t just ignore that.”

Before the accident, the Local and Regional Animal Whisperers (LAW and RAW) had been tracking the creature for most of the day, assisted by Radiation State Park Senior Ranger Roc Rubble with his flask of whiskey and Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, part-time Jedi, with his light saber.

They arrived on the scene shortly after the accident and pursued the creature into the woods. As tow trucks were hauling away the last of the wreckage, the LAW returned with Branch’s light saber in one hand and a crown of antlers in the other.

“The beast is slain,” he announced. He brought the antlers back to the police station as evidence and for possible use in the creation of reinducks for pulling Santa’s duck boat on Saturday.

The others didn’t come out of the woods for several more minutes, and police almost sent a search team after them, but at last they emerged.

The RAW immediately got into his Hum-vee and drove into the forest to collect the carcass. Rubble declined to comment and instead tried to drain his flask, which was already empty. Branch cast about for his light saber, a circuit which brought him close to the Paroder reporting team.

“Don’t listen to Tanager and LAW,” Branch muttered. “Whatever that thing is, it’s not a deer, and it’s not dead.”

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.