Fauxhasset Paroder, 54th Edition: Punxsutawney Punk’d, Part 6

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

[Read the Punxsutawney Punk’d saga from the beginning]

[Refresh your memory on the latest episode]

Things have been quiet in the Womp. Too quiet. Even the pig-bear and her cub haven’t been seen in a while. We at the Paroder were starting to get suspicious, so we assembled an investigative team to go and, well, investigate.

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Repent and worship. Photo credit

Your reporter was joined by the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) and Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, Part-Time Jedi, Part-Time Pirate, and Part-Time Wandering Minstrel, who has been trying to redeem himself since the pirate flag incident.

LAW led the search, veering off the beaten path to follow some sign or scent invisible to us. But it wasn’t long before everyone could hear it: the telltale heart, the drum-like beat, the thrumming womp-womp-womp that had earned the state park its name.

The trees grew close, blocking out the sun. Progress grew slow and labored. Just as we thought we would be forced to turn back – a fact we signaled to one another with sign language, since the womping had grown so loud – we broke through into a moonlit clearing. This despite having started our journey at around 10:00 in the morning. We certainly had not walked for 12 hours. And yet, it was night.

And it was loud. Not just with womping, but with animal sounds. The clearing was full of them, cheeping and chirping and barking and hissing and flapping. At the center rose a tower that was surely tall enough to be seen for miles, though no one in the outside world seemed to have noticed it. It was built from concrete scraps with bits of graffiti on the sides. And at the top, sitting in a scrap metal throne…

“Fil,” growled the LAW, charging forward, gun drawn.

Fauxsutawney Fil is an armed and dangerous raccoon who emerged from the Hallowed Burrow on Groundhog Day, claiming to be the reincarnation of the original Roman groundhog RALPH (Romulus Augustus Legolas Petrificus-totalus Hedghogius).

When the community refused to believe him and repent, Fil had vanished into the Womp, leaving the town to clean up his mess – namely, the Mile-High Snow of 2017, not to mention the still-missing Mr. Phil (later found trapped in a cave on Fame Island).

The LAW has been looking for the impostor ever since. But today was not to be his day. The animal sounds quickly turned unfriendly as the LAW barreled through the crowd, and he didn’t get far before they’d arrested him altogether. He was tied up with snakes and carried away by wolves. If he made a sound, it was only to whisper futilely, for the animal whisperer had finally met his match.

“My friends!” boomed Fil. “So good to see you. I take it you’ve come to repent.”

“Hells nah,” said Branch.

The next thing we knew, those unfriendly animal sounds were all around us, and we were borne away by the crowd. Readers, things look grim for us. I write this on my dying cell phone from Fil’s concrete prison. I don’t know if I can even post from here. Honestly, I’m not even sure this is the same universe I woke up in, and I can’t afford the inter-dimensional data plan.

If you’re able to read this, then please, notify the authorities. The police, the Panic Brigade, the Regional Animal Whisperer – whoever you can find. Both of us are (for the moment) alive and unharmed. The pig-bear snuck us a bag of potato chips and a crumbled Pop-Tart, so at least we won’t starve. But we don’t know Fil’s plans, and he seems like the unhinged type, so the sooner you send help, the better.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 16th Edition: Oh deer, deer, deer

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Car accidents involving deer are piling up. There were another dozen crashes this week, including two that involved a soccer mom whose Range Rover was totaled by a deer earlier this month.

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Officials say the beast has been slain. Unofficials not so sure; advise “stay woke.” Photo credit

“I’ll say the same thing I said the last two times,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh, standing away from a seven-car pile-up that included her brand-new Tesla. “That thing was not a deer.”

Marsh shook her head and added, “Fauxhasset’s supposed to be such a great place to raise your kids, but my sons are terrified, and my husband and I don’t want them outside with some… some monster on the loose. I can’t believe those idiots at Town Hall haven’t done something about this.”

As a matter of fact, those idiots at Town Hall had done something about it, or at least they’d tried.

“We’re doing everything we possibly can,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager at the scene of the accident. “For such a large creature, these deer are incredibly hard to track. We don’t even know how many of them there are – is it the same animal causing accidents over and over, or are there hundreds of them out in the woods somewhere? We just don’t know.”

“And by the way, we don’t know for sure that they aren’t just ordinary deer,” Tanager added. “I’m inclined to say that they are, but the witness reports are uncannily consistent across the board, and we can’t just ignore that.”

Before the accident, the Local and Regional Animal Whisperers (LAW and RAW) had been tracking the creature for most of the day, assisted by Radiation State Park Senior Ranger Roc Rubble with his flask of whiskey and Rookie Ranger Devan Branch, part-time Jedi, with his light saber.

They arrived on the scene shortly after the accident and pursued the creature into the woods. As tow trucks were hauling away the last of the wreckage, the LAW returned with Branch’s light saber in one hand and a crown of antlers in the other.

“The beast is slain,” he announced. He brought the antlers back to the police station as evidence and for possible use in the creation of reinducks for pulling Santa’s duck boat on Saturday.

The others didn’t come out of the woods for several more minutes, and police almost sent a search team after them, but at last they emerged.

The RAW immediately got into his Hum-vee and drove into the forest to collect the carcass. Rubble declined to comment and instead tried to drain his flask, which was already empty. Branch cast about for his light saber, a circuit which brought him close to the Paroder reporting team.

“Don’t listen to Tanager and LAW,” Branch muttered. “Whatever that thing is, it’s not a deer, and it’s not dead.”

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.