Fauxhasset Paroder, 27th Edition: Signs of the times

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A clandestine group has altered the speed limit along 3A by taping poster board signs that say “35 mph” over the legally posted “50 mph” ones. Police advise motorists to travel at the official speed limit and ignore the posters.

“The driving along that stretch of road is already… unpredictable,” said Police Chief Stephen Quill. “We don’t need to make it any worse. People should just drive the speed they always drive there until we’re able to take down all the posters.”

 

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Although the exact identities of the perpetrators are yet unknown, it’s no surprise that advocates of a lower speed limit have taken matters into their own hands. Over the years, various community groups have fought fruitlessly for lower speed limits and traffic signals at a handful of difficult intersections in town.

3A is a state highway, so any alterations must come down from on high, and that can take anywhere from four to 40 years. Still, proponents evidently hoped that the curb cuts being added for the new self-storage facility would be enough to win them a traffic light in that location.

However, the state told the Planning Board last night that people who are entering the facility to store themselves cryogenically will not need to exit for at least 50 more years, at which time someone else can deal with the traffic issues.

The handmade speed limit signs appeared overnight after the meeting. Police have narrowed the field of suspects to active liberals who attended the Women’s March for America, since the signs were drawn on the back of posters that said “Nasty women grab back,” “Impeach the Cheeto,” and “Keep your tiny hands off our rights.”

Handwriting experts are now reviewing the evidence and hope to make a finding sometime in the next week.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 6th Edition: Middle-High School secedes, elects Tom Brady president

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Fauxhasset Middle-High School Student Body President Zane Harris reported today that the results were in from last Tuesday’s mock election, and the student body had voted almost unanimously for Patriots quarterback Tom Brady to serve as President of the United States of America.

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Some FMHS students have been on the Brady campaign trail for months. Photo credit: Andrew Strack

Students were reportedly shocked and devastated that Brady did not win the election on the national stage.

“How could this happen?” demanded Shannon Blackstone, a sophomore, in an initial statement sent to her Snapchat followers.

“Everyone I know voted Brady,” a tearful Blackstone said in the video. “But now people are saying he wasn’t even on the ballot outside of FMHS. What the actual f—k? Our election shows that the American people want Brady. For the government to withhold that choice by keeping Brady off the ballot… It was undemocratic.”

Students have been in voluntary lockdown since Election Day, weeping and gnashing their teeth. No one has entered or exited the building in six days. Inside, the 713 teenagers have been subsisting off produce from the school’s organic garden.

At first, Snapchat stories revealed the depths of students’ disappointment and despair, amplified by large, sad deer eyes. But since Nov. 9, the entire school has been participating in a technology fast while students process the outcome of the election and consider their next move.

It has been social media silence from the teens of Fauxhasset for more than six days. Parents are reporting fewer headaches, more hours of sleep, and fuller gas tanks since the teen tech fast and lockdown began. One mother even claims that her gray hairs have started turning blonde again.

Now, a week later, Harris has emerged from the school to reveal the student body’s intention to secede from the United States and become its own nation-state under Tom Brady.

“In Brady we trust,” he said.

The student body voted to allow Harris and other elected representatives to break the tech fast in order to contact their President-Elect. Harris said they’ve been reaching out to Brady, the Patriots, and Head Coach Bill Belichick via Twitter since Saturday but have not yet received a response.

“We may have to take this to the next level,” said Harris. “We’re considering sending a delegate onto Mombook to make our voices heard. Nobody wants to be the one, but we believe it’s a sacrifice worth making to have Tom Brady as President of the Fauxhasset Middle-High School – or POTFMHS, as we’ve been calling him.”

When asked how becoming President of the FMHS nation-state might affect the Patriots performance in the playoffs, Harris said he wasn’t concerned.

“If Inauguration Day rolls around and Brady is looking at another Superbowl, we’re perfectly capable of governing ourselves for an extra week or two while he takes care of that,” said Harris. “With the teacher strike going on, we’ve pretty much been doing that already for almost 116 years.”

Alternatively, said Harris, “If Brady is ready to step up as president right away, I’m sure the Patriots can still secure a Superbowl win with Jimmy Garoppolo.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 3rd Edition: Hillary Clinton spotted in Fauxhasset

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was spotted riding around Fauxhasset in a red convertible this morning.

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Concerned witnesses said that Clinton looked “thin” when she stopped by Walgreens Pharmacy this morning. Photo credit: Kevin McCarthy

Clinton reportedly made a purchase at Walgreens Pharmacy, causing some concern among those who saw her.

“Is she sick again?” demanded one witness. “She didn’t look well. Not well at all. Very thin, very… cardboardy. Isn’t it just like her to pull this on Election Day! We the people deserve to know if one of our presidential candidates has suddenly turned into cardboard!”

Another witness said Clinton’s perseverance through this bout of two-dimensionality only served to increase her admiration and support for the Democratic presidential candidate.

“I cast the right vote this morning,” said the witness. “If Hillary can fight through this, she can fight through anything!”

Being made of cardboard is a serious ailment that afflicts many celebrities, but doctors say it’s only a passing virus and nothing to worry about. It is not life-threatening and poses no threat to anyone who is not extremely rich and influential.

Registered voters who have not yet cast their ballot may do so at Town Hall before 8:00 p.m. today.