Fauxhasset Paroder, 64th Edition: Oh, Baby

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Something truly terrible, dark and disturbing has happened in Fauxhasset this Halloween – something so horrible we scarcely dare put it to paper (or rather, screen, since our print edition was discontinued some months ago).

However, the news is the news, and we must print it, no matter how grim. So here it is. Reader discretion is advised. Feel free to click away; we have already logged your visit as a page view. Ready?

A woman had a baby.

Ordinarily this would be joyous news and cause for celebration – a reason for parties and casseroles and heavily gendered onesies in pastel pink and blue, neatly categorizing the infant as either a “Little Flirt” or a “Chick Magnet,” thus placing them in the box they will inexorably occupy for life.

However, this baby was born without a face.

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Exactly like this statue of a baby by a prophetic artist in Prague. How did he know? | Photo credit

The mother said she has reason to believe the father, with whom she had a one-night stand during the Thousand-Inch Snow, was an alien.

“He swore he wasn’t that kind of alien,” the mother told the Paroder in an exclusive interview (her name has been withheld to protect the child). “He told me he was from Canada. But fast forward nine months and I’ve got a baby without a face. How do I feed it? How is it breathing?”

“I can’t even tell if it’s a boy or a girl,” she added. “The face isn’t all that’s missing.”

Doctors are baffled. The baby cries like a normal baby, despite not having a mouth. It definitely poops, too, despite lacking any evident equipment for doing so. Experts are saying that extensive surgery will be necessary for the child to live anything resembling a normal life.

The mother, however, doesn’t want to pay for it. She says the father lied to her, and now is the time for him to step up and do his part by funding the surgery – as well as any physical therapy, special education, and counseling expenses for both her and the child.

“I should have known he was lying when he cooked bacon the morning after,” the mother said bitterly. “He was storing it all balled up in a Ziploc bag in the freezer. When we woke up, he just plunked the whole thing into a saucepan and waited for it to thaw. Like some sort of… well, alien.”

The baby will remain at the hospital, receiving fluids and nutrients intravenously, until doctors figure out what to do and whose health insurance is going to cover it. The mother, meanwhile, has taken a private jet to Hawaii, where she plans to spend the next few weeks reevaluating her life.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 44th Edition: Sticky symbolism

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Paranormal consultant Buster DeGost has made another troubling discovery, this time at Fame Island. The former ghostbuster climbed to the Space Mountain tunnel where Punxsutawney Phil was found trapped last week and discovered more strange symbols painted on the floor of the cave.

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Nothing bad could possibly come of this, right? …..right? Photo credit

The complex diagram is painted in gleaming red, which looks fresh yet is dry to the touch. It depicts an eight-pointed star intersecting some sort of astrological calendar. Both are bisected by straight lines, which come together to form an acute angle pointing north-northeast.

“It’s the same diagram we found at 8 Lame Jane’s,” said DeGost. “And the same damn red paint – or blood, still don’t know which – but either way, it doesn’t respond to turpentine or any other paint removal agent on the market. And chipping away the actual stone doesn’t do anything either.”

To prove it, DeGost chiseled out a bit of the painted stone and held it up to the light. The stone now appeared gray, like the walls of the cave. The red marks remained unblemished on the floor.

“I’m still not convinced these markings have a demonic origin,” said DeGost, “but there’s definitely something otherworldly behind them. I would advise the public to leave investigations to the professionals. Ah… professional, that is. Guess it’s just me now, isn’t it?”

DeGost was originally retained by the Town to study the impossible dimensions of the Lame Jane townhomes after officials discovered the units were larger inside than out. After being fired by his firm for “wild speculations” (and dissing the company Christmas party), DeGost stayed on to conduct his own private investigation.

The Paroder caught up with JJ Henry, 8 Lame Jane developer, and Ord Girdlehyde, owner of Pacifica, Ye Olde Pepper Mill, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor (he’s kind of a big deal) to see if they’d noticed anything when they discovered Phil in the cave on Easter morning.

“It was too bright,” Henry recalled. “Phil was glowing – we were a bit blinded. And, frankly, we were just happy that winter would finally be ending now that we’d found him. It was really bad for Ord’s business, and we couldn’t make any headway with construction under all those thousands of inches of snow.”

“Perhaps you should ask Phil,” suggested Girdlehyde. “He was in there for a long time. Perhaps he made the markings, or knows where they came from. He is, after all, a god.”

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Give ϨΔиϮα a chance

Dear Editor,

We know we can be difficult sometimes. Often our actions (though well-intentioned) are misinterpreted. For the record, We love Fauxhasset and its people. However, We don’t always love what some of you do and say. Now is one of those times.

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Local troublemakers Two Men and Their Dog [Photo credit]

“The Alien Santa.” That’s what you’ve all been calling him since he landed. There are so many ways that We can tell you that this is just wrong. He may look like our Santa and come from outer space but calling him that is just disrespectful. It would be like if someone called you “The Earth Human” all the time and never used your real name. He has a name. It’s ϨΔиϮα.

Instead of treating him like a resident of this fine town or even a respected visitor, you avoid and distance yourself from him. Is it any wonder why he doesn’t know the workings of Fauxhaset or even Human life? How can he possibly feel welcome if none of you will explain anything to him?

So what if he shops at both grocery stores in town? Maybe we all should. Heaven knows Gnaw’s has the best prepared sushi in town, and We’ve heard Cop & GOP has amazing prices on dog food. It sounds to Us like he’s the smartest one here! Why can’t you all just let him build his house in peace? We’re sure it’s going to be nothing but lovely.

Fauxhasset is a great town and so are its people most of the time. It’s because We love you all that We try so hard to make Fauxhasset that much better. So the next time you see ϨΔиϮα doing something odd, take five minutes to give him a hand and get to know him. He might just surprise you.

Two Men and Their Dog