Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: A Tale of Two Letters to the Editor

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“Think of the parking spaces, Fauxhasset!” | Photo credit

Dear Editor,

Fauxhasset, what are we doing? It was bad enough when let that alien SANTA live here but now there are just too many of them. We tolerated him, his ways, and his spaceship largely because he kept to himself and out of the lives of normal people. Now though, we have all these aliens living here and trying to change the way we live. I for one don’t support change and I know plenty of other members of Fauxhasset will agree with me. We shouldn’t be trying to find them homes. We should be trying to SEND them home. Think of the parking spaces, Fauxhasset. Where will an honest citizen park?

Respectfully,
Larry Lembas

 

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Or maybe they’re just here to steal our pizza. | Photo credit

 
Dear Editor,

I couldn’t be happier about our newest residents and I know many of you feel the same way. The aliens bring with them a new and exciting culture which is honestly a breath of fresh air for our town. Just imagine the good they will do for our stale economy and the revenue they will bring in as we become the first hub for space tourism. Imagine the new food, Fauxhasset! Sure, I’ll admit we already have a small parking problem in town, but that’s an equally small price to pay for all the good these aliens are doing for our community.

Nom Chompsky

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 74th Edition: New Year, New Crew

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s nothing like the New Year: a time for beginnings, yet equally, a time for endings.

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The migrant aliens wasted no time in their endeavor to act like humans. They spent New Year’s Eve imbibing heavily to the pounding beats of DJ Huzkiii. Photo credit

For instance, with the opening of the portal above Castle Girdlehausen in the Mecca Mile wetlands, the mystery of the Fauxhasset Triangle draws to an end.

The suspects confessed to police that opening the portal was a plot by hotelier Ord Girdlehyde, the Local and Regional Animal Whisperers (LAW and RAW), and would-be Fame Island developer Zohn Donne, who recently departed on a cruise around the asteroid belt and will not be back for several years (at which time he will immediately be placed under arrest).

It is also the end of the black hole in the harbor, which, after vomiting out all the detritus residents had thrown into it over the past almost-year, also coughed up all the seawater it had swallowed, refilling the harbor to its natural depth.

But let us look now to the new beginnings.

For instance, it is the beginning of an era in which citizens must share their beloved hometown (parking spaces included) with a large new contingent of alien residents. It is also the beginning of a new era in local yoga instruction: The zero-gravity yoga studio formerly located above the black hole will reopen as an underwater studio next month.

These are just a few examples of the beginnings and endings that our town is looking at this January.

Fauxhasset, we asked you to share your beginnings and endings with us, as well, so without further ado, here’s what you and your neighbors hope to achieve in the new year. Be sure to hang this article on your fridge so you can judge each other when you fail.

Two Men And Their Dog: To be the three best parents we can be.

Punxsutawney Phil: To not get kidnapped this Groundhog Day.

Unidentified 63-year-old woman: I plan to start attending underwater yoga to limber up this reverse-aging body of mine!

Ord Girdlehyde, Mad Elephant Hotel & Castle Girdlehausen: Make money. Get out of jail. Then make money.

Sean McJeffrey, Fuglyoaks Lane resident: Finally get that tax credit for the king-size candy bars the Town forces us to give out on Halloween.

Devan Branch, Full-Time Jedi: I now dedicate my life to facilitating peace between humans and aliens on Earth, as I have been called to do. May the Force be with me, and you, and all whom you love, now and forever. Amen.

Father Mumblehill, Flaxen Mary Abbey: I and my students vow to keep vigil at this new monstrosity which the powers of Satan hath wrought above Castle Girdlehausen. Some of you have foolishly decided to welcome the aliens and help them fit in, but we know God’s truth is that these creatures have come to us straight from the pits of hell to test our faith. They even call their home planet JELAMENA-8. Hear how it sounds like “Hell – Amen?” Be vigilant, Fauxhasset. These aliens may look like us, and talk like us, and act like us, but they are not like us.

Town Manager Mown Tanager: To plan the greatest celebration ever for Fauxhasset’s upcoming 2,500th anniversary. Hard to believe our little town has been around for two and a half millennia! Anyone who wants to help with the festivities should reach out to Town Hall as soon as possible.

GREG (Green and Renewable Energy Group): To purge Fauxhasset’s waters of that foul glitter spilled at the Castle Girdlehausen worksite this fall.

Dooey Lembas, Spokeschild for Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes: To turn more superheroes into snowflakes. We’ve hardly had any snow at all this year, so we’re clearly not doing our job! We are sorry, Fauxhasset, and we promise to do better.

Thamanda Crompson, Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter: To find forever homes for the dozens of cats that have been spawning outside of our office since November. I’ve adopted my 10 cats; have you?

Fauxhasset Paroder, 73rd Edition: Every Space Rift Has a Silver Lining

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The snow has settled since yesterday’s alien invasion, leaving Fauxhasset encrusted in glitter: it seems that the construction accident at Castle Girdelhausen has polluted not only the water supply, but the entire water cycle.

However, the glitter is the least of anyone’s concerns now that the aliens are here.

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The gateway to hell. Uh, JELAMENA-8, that is. Photo credit

It was one thing when it was just ϨΔиϮα and whoever knocked up the mother of that faceless baby that Two Men And Their Dog adopted. Now, there are thousands of aliens, and each one has its own personal cyborg assistant.

Well, at least no one can complain about the unemployed androids anymore.

Speaking of silver linings, there was one other good thing that came out of the giant rift in space over Castle Girdlehausen. Shorty Lembas, the five-year-old child who was swallowed by a pothole on Achey Cedars Way last December, emerged with the alien procession – alive, unharmed, ten years older and five feet taller.

He was greeted by his big sister (now his little sister) Dooey Lembas, a third-grade student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

Dooey seized her brother’s leg and bellowed, “What did they do to you? You’re not short anymore! This is baloney! I spent this whole year trying to save you, and what did you do? You went and got tall! This is some alien shenanigans for sure. We’ll get you sorted out and short again just like before.”

Angry as she might have been, Dooey could not be prized from Shorty’s leg for the duration of his interview with the Paroder.

Shorty reported that he had spent the past 10 years on the planet JELAMENA-8, where he would have starved or been eaten by monsters if the kindly aliens hadn’t found him and raised him as one of their own. He said that, because the aliens could take different shapes, they were able to discover his body’s needs and provide him with the appropriate nourishment and even care for him when he fell ill.

“Be good to them,” Shorty said. “I know they seem kinda weird at first, but they’re really nice.”

The Paroder caught up with Police Chief Stephen Quill to find out whether investigators had learned anything from Ord Girdlehyde (owner of Castle Girdlehausen, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor) and the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW), who allegedly conspired to open the portal and were arrested at the scene of the rift on Christmas Day.

Quill said the department is still trying to piece together exactly how the suspects opened the portal and how it might be closed. However, they believe that a velociraptor in their custody, which the LAW is claiming to be his service animal, may have played a bigger role than the LAW is letting on.

“Radiation State Park Senior Ranger Roc Rubble has informed us that the timeraptor and the velociraptor are two of the three biological sexes of raptor,” explained Quill. “We have reason to believe that a timeraptor has passed through town at least twice this year. Beyond that, it’s just basic math. Put one raptor over the other and you get the third: the lesser-known distance-raptor, a.k.a. the space-raptor, which is apparently capable of opening a rift just like the one we have here in town over Castle Girdlehausen.”

Town officials said they are considering launching an alien naturalization program to help these strangers learn to look, speak, and act like the rest of us.

“We’d prefer to see these invaders return to their home planet,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “But if they want to live among humans, that’s up to them – they just need to follow our local bylaws and cultural norms. That includes becoming legal citizens, taking a humanoid form, and of course, finding gainful employment so they can give back to our society.”

“If they can’t agree to that,” Tanager added, “then we’ll have to revisit the possibility of a forced relocation program. We hope it doesn’t come to that.”