Fauxhasset Paroder, 80th Edition: Alien social club hogs satellite parking

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police arrested no less than 57 aliens for “suspicious activity” at the Waffle House on Friday.

Witnesses said their large numbers suggested the aliens were plotting something – on top of which, their spaceships were taking up all the parking spots in the satellite lot, leaving none for employees or rightful residents who may have needed to park there.


Is this how alien jail feels? More like “Loser Every Time.” | Photo credit

Witnesses furthermore surmised that an illegal party must be taking place and that the large group of aliens were likely intoxicated after spending their Friday night at the Waffle House.

Police said that none of the aliens had been drinking, and there were no signs of a party inside the establishment – “Just gleaming golden squares of carbs, steaming under the heat lamps, some with melted chocolate shimmering on their edges, encrusted with rainbow sprinkles; others with ruby-red strawberry jam pooling in their crevices and clouds of whipped cream resting on top – uh, who were we arresting, again?”

Aliens on the scene told the Paroder that they were just chatting while returning to their vehicles after dining at the Waffle House. They said they had not raised their voices and were surprised to hear that witnesses and neighbors were upset.

They were even more surprised to find themselves handcuffed over it.

“They could have just asked us to keep it down,” said one alien, which had taken the form of a tall, red-haired man in a green vest. “We are trying to learn your ways and live among you as respectful neighbors. It is important for people to tell us when we are not achieving this so we can do better.”

Last to emerge from the Waffle House was Full-Time Jedi Devan Branch. Witnesses gasped audibly at the sight of this formerly upstanding young man, one-time Radiation State Park rookie ranger, an accomplished Gryphon Scout, and a renowned wandering minstrel, keeping such company.

Branch apologized for upsetting the neighbors and vouched for the handcuffed aliens, saying that they had been conducting a cultural education session as part of his new “JELAMENA-8/Earth Relations Initiative and Cultural Orientation” (or JERICO) Program.

Branch said the club had not realized its meeting had been loud enough to bother anybody.

“They could have just asked us to keep it down,” said Branch. “These folks are trying to learn our ways and live among us as respectful neighbors. It’s important for people to tell them when they’re not achieving that so they can do better.”

Police let Branch off with a warning and ordered him to register his social club properly with the Town before conducting further meetings.

After reviewing security footage that showed no noise violations or disruptive activity, police released the 57 aliens in custody on Monday with deepest apologies and a promise that, whenever the next meeting took place, waffles were on the department.


Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: A Tale of Two Letters to the Editor


“Think of the parking spaces, Fauxhasset!” | Photo credit

Dear Editor,

Fauxhasset, what are we doing? It was bad enough when let that alien SANTA live here but now there are just too many of them. We tolerated him, his ways, and his spaceship largely because he kept to himself and out of the lives of normal people. Now though, we have all these aliens living here and trying to change the way we live. I for one don’t support change and I know plenty of other members of Fauxhasset will agree with me. We shouldn’t be trying to find them homes. We should be trying to SEND them home. Think of the parking spaces, Fauxhasset. Where will an honest citizen park?

Larry Lembas



Or maybe they’re just here to steal our pizza. | Photo credit

Dear Editor,

I couldn’t be happier about our newest residents and I know many of you feel the same way. The aliens bring with them a new and exciting culture which is honestly a breath of fresh air for our town. Just imagine the good they will do for our stale economy and the revenue they will bring in as we become the first hub for space tourism. Imagine the new food, Fauxhasset! Sure, I’ll admit we already have a small parking problem in town, but that’s an equally small price to pay for all the good these aliens are doing for our community.

Nom Chompsky

Fauxhasset Paroder, 74th Edition: New Year, New Crew

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s nothing like the New Year: a time for beginnings, yet equally, a time for endings.


The migrant aliens wasted no time in their endeavor to act like humans. They spent New Year’s Eve imbibing heavily to the pounding beats of DJ Huzkiii. Photo credit

For instance, with the opening of the portal above Castle Girdlehausen in the Mecca Mile wetlands, the mystery of the Fauxhasset Triangle draws to an end.

The suspects confessed to police that opening the portal was a plot by hotelier Ord Girdlehyde, the Local and Regional Animal Whisperers (LAW and RAW), and would-be Fame Island developer Zohn Donne, who recently departed on a cruise around the asteroid belt and will not be back for several years (at which time he will immediately be placed under arrest).

It is also the end of the black hole in the harbor, which, after vomiting out all the detritus residents had thrown into it over the past almost-year, also coughed up all the seawater it had swallowed, refilling the harbor to its natural depth.

But let us look now to the new beginnings.

For instance, it is the beginning of an era in which citizens must share their beloved hometown (parking spaces included) with a large new contingent of alien residents. It is also the beginning of a new era in local yoga instruction: The zero-gravity yoga studio formerly located above the black hole will reopen as an underwater studio next month.

These are just a few examples of the beginnings and endings that our town is looking at this January.

Fauxhasset, we asked you to share your beginnings and endings with us, as well, so without further ado, here’s what you and your neighbors hope to achieve in the new year. Be sure to hang this article on your fridge so you can judge each other when you fail.

Two Men And Their Dog: To be the three best parents we can be.

Punxsutawney Phil: To not get kidnapped this Groundhog Day.

Unidentified 63-year-old woman: I plan to start attending underwater yoga to limber up this reverse-aging body of mine!

Ord Girdlehyde, Mad Elephant Hotel & Castle Girdlehausen: Make money. Get out of jail. Then make money.

Sean McJeffrey, Fuglyoaks Lane resident: Finally get that tax credit for the king-size candy bars the Town forces us to give out on Halloween.

Devan Branch, Full-Time Jedi: I now dedicate my life to facilitating peace between humans and aliens on Earth, as I have been called to do. May the Force be with me, and you, and all whom you love, now and forever. Amen.

Father Mumblehill, Flaxen Mary Abbey: I and my students vow to keep vigil at this new monstrosity which the powers of Satan hath wrought above Castle Girdlehausen. Some of you have foolishly decided to welcome the aliens and help them fit in, but we know God’s truth is that these creatures have come to us straight from the pits of hell to test our faith. They even call their home planet JELAMENA-8. Hear how it sounds like “Hell – Amen?” Be vigilant, Fauxhasset. These aliens may look like us, and talk like us, and act like us, but they are not like us.

Town Manager Mown Tanager: To plan the greatest celebration ever for Fauxhasset’s upcoming 2,500th anniversary. Hard to believe our little town has been around for two and a half millennia! Anyone who wants to help with the festivities should reach out to Town Hall as soon as possible.

GREG (Green and Renewable Energy Group): To purge Fauxhasset’s waters of that foul glitter spilled at the Castle Girdlehausen worksite this fall.

Dooey Lembas, Spokeschild for Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes: To turn more superheroes into snowflakes. We’ve hardly had any snow at all this year, so we’re clearly not doing our job! We are sorry, Fauxhasset, and we promise to do better.

Thamanda Crompson, Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter: To find forever homes for the dozens of cats that have been spawning outside of our office since November. I’ve adopted my 10 cats; have you?