Fauxhasset Paroder, 76th Edition: Make Like a Tree and – Wait, No, Come Back

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Residents awoke this morning to find the trees gone. Nowhere in town was a single tree to be found standing. Even the heap of discarded Christmas trees at the transfer center had vanished.

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Have you seen me? | Photo credit

There were no stumps to indicate that the trees had been cut down, and police said they had not received any noise complaints about buzz saws or other equipment that would have been required to fell and remove thousands of trees overnight.

A woman was found dancing and weeping beside the town common, where an iconic ash tree had spread its leaves wide for nigh 500 years.

“I’m having a shade tree hearing,” the woman explained between twirls. “That means I’m thanking it for 499 years of blissful shade in the summer heat. I would have liked to say so while it was still here, but isn’t that always the way? We never tell anyone how much we appreciate them till they’re gone.”

Residents were quick to point fingers, but none could agree on who was responsible.

Several pinned the incident on the large new alien population, reasoning that Fauxhasset’s newest residents wanted the town to look more like their barren home planet.

Others blamed hotelier Ord Girdlehyde – who, to be fair, destroyed several acres of wetland to build his latest hotel, Castle Girdlehausen, in the fall, not to mention poisoning the water table with glitter.

Girdlehyde himself pointed to developer JJ Henry, who was responsible for the luxury condos at 8 Lame Jane and many others in town, as far back as the Achey Cedars development in the 1970s. However, Henry hasn’t been seen since the Lame Jane townhomes burned to the ground in September.

Mavin Kirk, daughter of Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk and a resident of the Fenclave, told the Paroder that the Ents had at last gone in search of their lost Entwives, and we should be happy for them. “It’s very romantic,” she assured us.

X-Ray Xanadu, Spokeschild for Captain America’s School for the Awesome, said the Grinch had taken them all, but not to worry – he was rallying the superhero troops to get the trees back.

The disappearance of the trees has caused a schism in the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG). Half the members are claiming that the trees are angry with us and we must repent to bring them back. The other half is already setting up solar panels across the town.

Those idiots at Town Hall said they’re working feverishly to get to the bottom of the mystery.

“Whoever did this never came to us for a permit,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “Not that we would have approved it! I’m just saying that, in addition to greatly inconveniencing the citizens of Fauxhasset and sowing fear in the community, they also failed to adhere to the local bylaws. Therefore, we’re taking this very seriously.”

Officials urged residents to remain calm (and also to remain at home, just in case some great and inexplicable evil is afoot… or in case the trees reappear suddenly, lest anyone become trapped inside of one). But no one should panic, officials were quick to add. The situation is under control. Especially the panicking part of the situation. The Panic Brigade has that well-covered.

Still, if anyone feels inclined to repent, it’s probably not a bad idea.

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Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: A Tale of Two Letters to the Editor

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“Think of the parking spaces, Fauxhasset!” | Photo credit

Dear Editor,

Fauxhasset, what are we doing? It was bad enough when let that alien SANTA live here but now there are just too many of them. We tolerated him, his ways, and his spaceship largely because he kept to himself and out of the lives of normal people. Now though, we have all these aliens living here and trying to change the way we live. I for one don’t support change and I know plenty of other members of Fauxhasset will agree with me. We shouldn’t be trying to find them homes. We should be trying to SEND them home. Think of the parking spaces, Fauxhasset. Where will an honest citizen park?

Respectfully,
Larry Lembas

 

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Or maybe they’re just here to steal our pizza. | Photo credit

 
Dear Editor,

I couldn’t be happier about our newest residents and I know many of you feel the same way. The aliens bring with them a new and exciting culture which is honestly a breath of fresh air for our town. Just imagine the good they will do for our stale economy and the revenue they will bring in as we become the first hub for space tourism. Imagine the new food, Fauxhasset! Sure, I’ll admit we already have a small parking problem in town, but that’s an equally small price to pay for all the good these aliens are doing for our community.

Nom Chompsky

Fauxhasset Paroder, 75th Edition: Waffle House Waffles On Identity

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There’s a new restaurant in town. Or maybe there are several new restaurants. Our sources aren’t really sure. Honestly though, it’s probably just another real estate office masquerading as several new restaurants.

What we do know is that the Redfin Eatery closed its doors this week. The sign out front was immediately replaced with a new one that says, “Waffle House” – yes, with the “Waffle” crossed out. So does that mean it’s just a regular house? If so, who is living there?

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Why settle for a Waffle House when you could have a Waffle Palace? Photo Credit

We at the Paroder knew our readers would be concerned about the fate of this property, so we spoke with several residents to get their thoughts on the new whatever-it-is. However, sources were unable to agree on what they had experienced upon walking through the former Redfin’s doors this week.

Some told us it was, indeed, a Waffle House. Others insisted they had been to McDonald’s or Chick-Fil-A. We heard about dinners at Cracker Barrel, Longhorn Steakhouse, Chili’s, and Buffalo Wild Wings.

A group of millennials told us they’d spent most of Sunday playing board games at Fauxhasset’s new brewpub, while Patriots fans said that was impossible since they had been at the sports bar most of Sunday, watching the football game on 50 high-definition TVs that took up the entire room, leaving no room for nerdy gamers.

A few residents said they had simply stopped by to take some cash out of the ATM, while one claimed to have taken out a mortgage at the new “restaurant.” And a pair of housewives showed us the manicures they’d gotten there while sipping glasses of the finest red wine – produced on site using grapes that the establishment was reportedly growing in a solar farm on the roof.

At last, fed up with the conflicting stories, reporter Thamanda Crompson and crime correspondent Sobby Raint-John went to investigate. What we actually discovered inside was again different from any of the other stories we’d heard: we were greeted with dings, blings and bloops as we entered the largest arcade either of us had ever seen.

We played video games for maybe an hour. Or maybe four hours. Or maybe a few days. It’s all kind of hazy at this point, readers. We’ll have to investigate further. With more quarters. Hopefully the Waffle House will be a bank the next time we go.

Long-time residents will fondly remember the days when this establishment used to be the O.K.O.K. Café, serving up consistently O.K. food from the dawn of time through 1999.

Since then, no eatery has lasted more than a year or two at that location. There was the House of Spartacus, The Giraffe’s Neck, Avocado’s, Lemoncini’s, the Round Ground Planetary Grille, and the Whitewater Pub, just to name a few.

Some say the property is cursed. Others attribute the failures to the difficulty of getting in and out of the parking lot. Not everyone, they say, has a car that can make that 12-foot jump across the man-eating lobster moat, and even those with the right car may lack the necessary cajones to take the risk.

Will the same fate befall the Waffle House, or does this chameleon establishment have what it takes to satisfy the myriad tastes and interests of Fauxhasset’s diverse (yet still mostly-human) population? Stay tuned…