Fauxhasset Paroder, 91st Edition: Finding Kevin Spaceraptor

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

We’re all going to be young again, Fauxhasset!

The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW), his velociraptor, and their team of aliens have discovered the whereabouts of a certain young spaceraptor. The Futuristical Society is now broadcasting the child’s location across the space-time continuum, asking that his parental unit please come pick up his son.

If all goes according to plan, Father Timeraptor will return to Fauxhasset, take the spaceraptor home, and restore everyone to their proper ages. Maybe he’ll be so grateful to us for finding his son, he’ll even knock off a few extra years!

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A scientific drawing of Kevin Spaceraptor (photographers were unable to get an actual photo due to odd properties of light surrounding the raptor).

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. This is a news report, not a prophecy. You want omens, go read the late Father Mumblehill’s “Book of Apocalypses.”

As of yet, the timeraptor has yet to make a reappearance – but we’re learning more and more about the young spaceraptor every day. Other than the reproductive complexities of a species with three biological sexes, little has been studied or written about raptors. Paranormal investigator Buster De Gost is now compiling a research report of his findings.

The number-one discovery? It turns out, if you want to hunt down a spaceraptor, all you’ve got to do is follow the cats. The LAW claims that’s exactly what he’s been saying all along, but no one would listen to him until the Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) released him from jail.

“Where else d’you think this big ol’ clowder of cats came from?” the LAW said. “Ah well, moot point now anyway. As soon as Father Timeraptor takes home little Kevin Spaceraptor – that’s what we named him, Kevin – it’ll close up that rift and the cats’ll stop appearing.”

When asked about possible solutions for the thousands of cats that have already appeared in town, the LAW simply said, “We’ll cross that rift when we come to it.”

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Op-Ed: The Sobby Story of Sobby Raint-John – Part II

Hello Fauxhasset,

After my last letter to the editor, I’m told I kind of worried some of you. I’m sorry; I was just so overwhelmed at the time. Truthfully, I still am, but I’m getting a handle on all of Devan Branch’s past part time jobs. I thought it could be fun to write about my various jobs now and then to keep you all from worrying. So let’s talk about how I’m a pirate now, because that’s a thing.

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This message in a bottle was found by a member of the underwater yoga class. But in some ways, the bottle WAS the message. It says: STOP THROWING YOUR TRASH IN THE OCEAN. | Photo credit

When Devan gave me his list of part time jobs, it pretty much just told me where I had to go for each one. No instructions or advice, just “go here.” So I was pretty skeptical when I got to pirate. Literally, it just said, “the ocean” and that was it. I thought it was a joke but Devan included a small footnote which said: “Not a joke.”

Having no boat or no nautical training, I knew this was going to be slightly tricky. Hours later, I stole (commandeered?) someone’s boat from the Fauxhasset Sailing Club and was quoting every cliche pirate phrase I could remember as I drifted further and further out of the harbor. (To the person whose boat I stole: I’m sorry. I’ll bring it back when I finish. (And if I don’t sink.))

Since setting out on my voyage, I’ve really questioned the need for a part-time pirate in Fauxhasset. I figure, once I know the answer then it will be time for me to move onto my next job. On the plus side, being out in ocean kept me from getting old when the timeraptor visited town. So that’s cool. Alright, this is getting long so I’ll wrap it up. I need to shiver my timbers or something like that.

Sobby

Fauxhasset Paroder, 90th Edition: Go with the Flow

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Galaneia’s Grotto, the underwater yoga studio that replaced the zero-gravity studio Infinity Yoga after the black hole in the harbor collapsed, has had to expand its hours to remain open 24/7 to keep up with demand for its gentle flow yoga classes.

Owner Rainbow Moon said it was a difficult decision. “I know as well as anybody in Fauxhasset that nothing good happens after 8:00 p.m.,” Moon told the Paroder. “I did not take this decision lightly.”

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After much consultation with higher powers, Moon said she reached the conclusion that it would be in the best interest of the community to keep the studio open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for as long as everyone in town is stuck being old.

“I consulted with Poseidon, ascended through five circles of heaven to ask for guidance, and spent many hours in meditative discussion with my business loan officer before concluding that this would serve both the community and my bottom line,” said Moon.

She said that the gentle flow yoga has been in demand because of its focus on slowly stretching and breathing, perfect for creaky old bodies – especially ones that were neither creaky nor old just a couple of months back.

“It’s been a difficult transition for the whole town,” Moon said. “We at Galaneia’s Grotto hope to make it flow a little smoother for everyone.”

Before a typical class at the Grotto, practitioners can be seen preparing their bodies and minds on the docks and beaches surrounding the harbor. Moon explained that they are working toward a meditative state where it is no longer necessary for them to breathe oxygen.

This, she said, is necessary because the Grotto is not a physical structure that would protect practitioners from the water; it is simply a name for the section of the harbor floor where classes are held. Therefore, students must tap into their primordial instincts for breathing underwater if they wish to fully participate.

Those who achieve the appropriate mindset during the session, Moon said, are selected and ceremoniously submerged by the enigmatic instructor Misty Hafgufa, an individual described by students as having seven limbs and often using the catchphrase, “Let’s get kraken!”

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Assistant yoga instructor Lyngbakrita Ness demonstrates an underwater sun salute. | Photo credit

Students sometimes disappear for just minutes, sometimes for hours, and even, on occasion, for more than a day. All, however, have returned in good health – indeed, in better health than before. However, none will speak of the events that transpired while they were underwater.

Anyone with information on this matter is encouraged to reach out to the Paroder. Anonymous tips are also welcome.