By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
We’re all going to be young again, Fauxhasset!
The Local Animal Whisperer (LAW), his velociraptor, and their team of aliens have discovered the whereabouts of a certain young spaceraptor. The Futuristical Society is now broadcasting the child’s location across the space-time continuum, asking that his parental unit please come pick up his son.
If all goes according to plan, Father Timeraptor will return to Fauxhasset, take the spaceraptor home, and restore everyone to their proper ages. Maybe he’ll be so grateful to us for finding his son, he’ll even knock off a few extra years!
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. This is a news report, not a prophecy. You want omens, go read the late Father Mumblehill’s “Book of Apocalypses.”
As of yet, the timeraptor has yet to make a reappearance – but we’re learning more and more about the young spaceraptor every day. Other than the reproductive complexities of a species with three biological sexes, little has been studied or written about raptors. Paranormal investigator Buster De Gost is now compiling a research report of his findings.
The number-one discovery? It turns out, if you want to hunt down a spaceraptor, all you’ve got to do is follow the cats. The LAW claims that’s exactly what he’s been saying all along, but no one would listen to him until the Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) released him from jail.
“Where else d’you think this big ol’ clowder of cats came from?” the LAW said. “Ah well, moot point now anyway. As soon as Father Timeraptor takes home little Kevin Spaceraptor – that’s what we named him, Kevin – it’ll close up that rift and the cats’ll stop appearing.”
When asked about possible solutions for the thousands of cats that have already appeared in town, the LAW simply said, “We’ll cross that rift when we come to it.”