108th Edition: R.I.Pizza

By Thamanda Crompson
Staff Reporter

The polls have closed, and so has local wine-and-pizza joint Gaga Pinot’s (A Family Establishment) (For Families) (Not Nannies Who Are Looking For A Boozy Handout). Coincidence? We think not.

Is this pizza too cheesy, or not cheesy enough? | Photo credit

Officials are saying there’s no way the election could have impacted the sudden and inexplicable closure of Gaga Pinot’s, home of the Large Cheese and Wine Pairing Party Deal and the only wine joint in town where you can get pizza, too.

“The ballots haven’t even been counted,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager.

But we all fed our archaic paper voting slips to that slightly less archaic, hungry hungry ballot robot earlier today, so of course, we all know the ballots have really been counted and officials are just withholding information to create suspense.

“It just seems suspicious,” said one voter. “The question about Gaga Pinot’s got placed on the ballot at the very last minute, so no one really understood what it was about. The swiftness with which they closed it suggests that the decision had been made before the election even happened.”

The initiative was placed on the ballot just hours prior to printing yesterday, according to inside sources. It was created by the Fauxsachusetts Pizza Party, which has been working strategically to purify pizza and pizza culture in the Commonwealth since its inception before the 2016 presidential election.

In 2016, the party worked to get Jonald Frump elected US president on the platform that “his face looks like cheese, if a great deal of pepperoni juice had oozed onto it and one of those red heating lamps was pointing directly at it.”

“We know millennials really like pizza,” explained a Pizza Party representative. “The other republicans didn’t know how to talk to today’s youth, so we took matters into our own hands to get through in a way that would make sense to them.”

Now, it seems the party has decided that Gaga Pinot’s pizza infringes on the president’s intellectual property by looking too much like his face, including the frugal application of cheese that uncannily resembles Frump’s thinning hair.

“They are mocking our president, and that is unacceptable,” said the Pizza Party representative.

“Their lawyer never even sent us a cease and desist,” said a Gaga Pinot’s representative. “We could’ve changed the color of the heating lamps, or used more cheese if they felt that our employees’ cheese application was in any way disrespectful to this country’s leadership. But we were never given that opportunity.”

Although the Gaga Pinot’s decision seems like a done deal, the ballots are being tallied now, and some voters are still holding out hope. When the official numbers come in, they say, officials may be forced to reconsider this decision whether they like it or not.

“Gaga Pinot’s was a staple in our family,” said one verklempt voter. “My kids used to love that wine cooler claw machine. They could play that game for hours. And the more they won, the more we let them play it. It was a good night for everybody.”

“I’m just waiting to find out who the new president is going to be,” said an androgynous millennial voter. “I wrote in Rick Astley because, like, he’s never gonna give us up, never gonna let us down, never gonna run around and desert us. Even pizza can’t promise that, especially if you’re lactose intolerant.”

The young voter was disappointed to learn that this was not that type of election and they would be stuck with Jonald Frump for two more years. They demanded to speak to a manager. More on this story as it unfolds.