105th Edition: Kings and paupers

By Thamanda Crompson
Staff Reporter

If you thought sending your kids to college was expensive, try surviving October on Fuglyoaks Lane, where one family just had their Lamborghini repossessed to cover past debts from handing out king-sized candy bars on Halloween.

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Those governmental gluttons! | Artwork by Andrew Jerz

Outsiders may look at Fauxhasset and think we have it all, but it’s not so easy living here. One cannot simply not have a boat or leave empty spaces in the four-car garage or wear cheap Fae Jewelers diamonds. One does not have a summer home on Bicep Beach or a ski chalet up in New Vermaine. One has both, or neither. And if your mansion in Fauxhasset is your only place of residence, you might as well pack up and move to Proxituate.

Above and beyond these hardships, the residents of Fuglyoaks Lane feel they have been dealt an extra-unfair hand. According to the bylaws, residents of this neighborhood must provide at least one king-size candy bar “or appropriate festive equivalent” to each trick-or-treater on Oct. 31.

“No other neighborhood is legally obligated to bankrupt themselves on Halloween,” said longtime Fuglyoaks resident Sean McJeffrey. “I made it my 2018 resolution to stop complaining and actually do something about it this year, and the whole neighborhood agrees with me!”

“The town is forcing us to choose someone else’s kids over our own,” said Martin Thimble next door. “We’re all sick of it, but Sean was the only one brave enough to put his neck out for the rest of us. I think watching that Lamborghini get towed really broke something inside of him.”

McJeffrey recalls growing up in the neighborhood in the 1970s, back in the good old days when residents willingly went above and beyond for Halloween. It all began as a friendly competition, he said. He remembers his mother hand-dipping 500 candy apples one year in an effort to outdo Mrs. Frescott next door, who had let it slip that she would be giving out break-and-bake chocolate chip cookies.

Once the distribution of king-sized candy bars was codified into law in 1982, the holiday became so hard on folks that many had to move out. Some could not even afford to stay in one of Fauxhasset’s less disadvantaged neighborhoods. McJeffrey said the real estate market became a bit of a revolving door, with newcomers quickly moving out when they discovered just how expensive one holiday could be.

“When I was a kid, this neighborhood was like a family, but now I barely know the people living next door,” McJeffrey said, gesturing at Thimble. “This guy’s got a great lawn, but I don’t even know his name. The bylaw has bankrupted so much more than our bank accounts. It’s bankrupted our souls.”

The neighborhood has petitioned the Town to either rescind the bylaw or provide a tax credit to help lessen the impact of this exorbitant tradition. If they don’t get their way, residents plan to spend Halloween distributing eggs and instructions for kids to throw them at the Temple.

“We’re willing to work with these folks,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “We don’t appreciate them resorting to childish threats. Let’s have a civilized dialogue about this and bring it to the Semiannual Town Séance in November. They could have their tax credit as soon as next year.”

That’s not soon enough for the people of Fuglyoaks Lane, who say they have suffered under this unjust requirement for decades now, watching the law rip homes and families apart.

“We don’t need a solution next year,” said Thimble. “We need one now. Halloween is just weeks away. Even one more family lost is too many.”

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