103rd Edition: Should Schools Get Old-School?

By Thamanda Crompson
Staff Reporter

Usually by this point in September, routine has settled in over Fauxhasset’s four schools – that is, the middle/high school, now an independent nation known as the Fenclave; Steer Mill upper elementary school; and the divided lower elementary schools, Captain America’s School for the Awesome and Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

However, things are anything but settled, and the lack of teachers – now on strike for almost 118 years – isn’t helping matters. Parents are now demanding intervention by Superintendent Vetsy DaBoss, saying that the time for Professorless Independent Education (PIE™) is past.

“It’s time to put teachers back in our children’s classrooms,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh. “The new fourth-graders are out of control. Dooey Lembas and X-Ray Xanadu are trying to turn Steer Mill into the same kind of circus show they had going down at the lower elementary schools. That’s just not a good learning environment for the other kids, and we adults need to step in.”

Diamond ScytheSpeaking of the lower elementary schools, the children have completely lost focus on their studies and it’s all thanks to one student at Princess Elsa’s, who has decided she wants to do more with her life than just turn the boys at her rival school into snowflakes.

The second-grader changed her name from Princess Diamanda Sparkleopoulos to The Diamond Scythe and is now leading a campaign to merge the lower elementary schools back into a single entity, as they were back in the early days of the teacher strike.

“The boys are learning all sorts of useful skills over at their superhero training grounds,” said the Diamond Scythe. “Meanwhile, the girls are basically just learning how to sit around looking pretty. I mean, turning stuff into snow and ice is kinda cool, but not when it’s summer all the time.”

The other princesses aren’t completely ready to follow the Diamond Scythe’s lead, and the boys of Captain America’s may not be ready to accept her, either.

“We’re princesses,” clarified second-grader Victoria Primrose. “We shouldn’t have to fight bad guys. Let the boys take care of that. We’ll be having tea and taking care of our unicorns – WHICH, Diamanda, is in fact a ‘useful skill.’ You know the unicorns will die without us.”

In addition to upheaval at the elementary schools, the Fenclave is facing a severe overcrowding problem, since students are graduating but refusing to leave. With the perpetual growth garden in the courtyard, food isn’t an issue, but space is becoming one, and with it, so is hygiene.

However, since the Fenclave is an independent nation now, there’s not much we can do to force anyone to move on to college. President Jimmy Garoppolo, looking as pretty and hygienic as ever, said the Fenclave has a plan to increase its living capacity without negotiating any land-taking from neighbors, but declined to go into details on said plan at this time.

Regarding these various issues and parents’ desire to see teachers back in schools, Superintendent DaBoss is also keeping her lips zipped for now – although to be fair, that’s kind of how she always keeps them, even when she is talking. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

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