102nd Edition: Unsafe Harbor

By Thamanda Crompson
Staff Reporter

The Town has contracted with Portentous Development to revitalize the harbor business district in Ord Girdlehyde’s extended absence. Girdlehyde has been cryogenically frozen at the Self Storage Center since the Oldpocalpyse, and voters agreed that we should keep him there – so for the rest of us, it’s time to start thinking about what will become of his harbor properties while he’s taking the big ice nap.

Girdlehyde owns almost every business-zoned property along Fauxhasset’s waterfront, including the Mad Elephant Hotel, upscale waterfront dining destination Ye Olde Pepper Mill, wedding destination Pacifica, and tapas restaurant Zephyr, which may or may not still be in business – since Girdlehyde took ownership three years back, no one has been able to discern whether Zephyr has regular operating hours or, indeed, any operating hours at all.

Jonah Jinxson, a Portentous managing partner, told the Paroder that the facilities in the harbor business district are clearly suffering from “failed business models.” Redeveloping the district would increase vitality of the area and provide greater access for both residents and visitors, he said. Not to mention improving the aesthetics of the harbor, which hasn’t been the same since Father Timeraptor tore down the sky earlier this summer.

Careful, lady. The harbormaster’s not coming after you if you fall in there. | Photo credit

Ideally, said Jinxson, the future harbor would include residential facilities interspersed with businesses. However, according to the bylaws, voters would first have to approve of an “overlay district” that would permit both businesses and residences to exist in the same space.

Neighbors, however, wouldn’t call such an arrangement “ideal” at all.

“This is a quiet neighborhood,” said one resident. “Think of the traffic. Think of the parking. Think of the children! Yes, we live on Unpleasant Street, but the name is supposed to be ironic. Jinxson and Portentous are outsiders; they don’t understand.”

Jinxson urged residents not to be afraid of change. “Sometimes the old ways have to die in order for something better to be born,” Jinxson said. “Entrust your harbor to us, and we will make it a shining phoenix, rising from the ashes.”



2 thoughts on “102nd Edition: Unsafe Harbor

  1. Nowhere Tribune says:

    Poor ole Girdlehyde; reminds me a little of Mr. Potter. I can tell that your job requires you to attend city council meetings, as I believe you are describing the conversation during one of our agenda items just last night. Thank you so much for visiting earlier.

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