Fauxhasset Paroder, 103rd Edition: Should Schools Get Old-School?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Usually by this point in September, routine has settled in over Fauxhasset’s four schools – that is, the middle/high school, now an independent nation known as the Fenclave; Steer Mill upper elementary school; and the divided lower elementary schools, Captain America’s School for the Awesome and Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

However, things are anything but settled, and the lack of teachers – now on strike for almost 118 years – isn’t helping matters. Parents are now demanding intervention by Superintendent Vetsy DaBoss, saying that the time for Professorless Independent Education (PIE™) is past.

“It’s time to put teachers back in our children’s classrooms,” said soccer mom Marissa Marsh. “The new fourth-graders are out of control. Dooey Lembas and X-Ray Xanadu are trying to turn Steer Mill into the same kind of circus show they had going down at the lower elementary schools. That’s just not a good learning environment for the other kids, and we adults need to step in.”

Diamond ScytheSpeaking of the lower elementary schools, the children have completely lost focus on their studies and it’s all thanks to one student at Princess Elsa’s, who has decided she wants to do more with her life than just turn the boys at her rival school into snowflakes.

The second-grader changed her name from Princess Diamanda Sparkleopoulos to The Diamond Scythe and is now leading a campaign to merge the lower elementary schools back into a single entity, as they were back in the early days of the teacher strike.

“The boys are learning all sorts of useful skills over at their superhero training grounds,” said the Diamond Scythe. “Meanwhile, the girls are basically just learning how to sit around looking pretty. I mean, turning stuff into snow and ice is kinda cool, but not when it’s summer all the time.”

The other princesses aren’t completely ready to follow the Diamond Scythe’s lead, and the boys of Captain America’s may not be ready to accept her, either.

“We’re princesses,” clarified second-grader Victoria Primrose. “We shouldn’t have to fight bad guys. Let the boys take care of that. We’ll be having tea and taking care of our unicorns – WHICH, Diamanda, is in fact a ‘useful skill.’ You know the unicorns will die without us.”

In addition to upheaval at the elementary schools, the Fenclave is facing a severe overcrowding problem, since students are graduating but refusing to leave. With the perpetual growth garden in the courtyard, food isn’t an issue, but space is becoming one, and with it, so is hygiene.

However, since the Fenclave is an independent nation now, there’s not much we can do to force anyone to move on to college. President Jimmy Garoppolo, looking as pretty and hygienic as ever, said the Fenclave has a plan to increase its living capacity without negotiating any land-taking from neighbors, but declined to go into details on said plan at this time.

Regarding these various issues and parents’ desire to see teachers back in schools, Superintendent DaBoss is also keeping her lips zipped for now – although to be fair, that’s kind of how she always keeps them, even when she is talking. Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 102nd Edition: Unsafe Harbor

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Town has contracted with Portentous Development to revitalize the harbor business district in Ord Girdlehyde’s extended absence. Girdlehyde has been cryogenically frozen at the Self Storage Center since the Oldpocalpyse, and voters agreed that we should keep him there – so for the rest of us, it’s time to start thinking about what will become of his harbor properties while he’s taking the big ice nap.

Girdlehyde owns almost every business-zoned property along Fauxhasset’s waterfront, including the Mad Elephant Hotel, upscale waterfront dining destination Ye Olde Pepper Mill, wedding destination Pacifica, and tapas restaurant Zephyr, which may or may not still be in business – since Girdlehyde took ownership three years back, no one has been able to discern whether Zephyr has regular operating hours or, indeed, any operating hours at all.

Jonah Jinxson, a Portentous managing partner, told the Paroder that the facilities in the harbor business district are clearly suffering from “failed business models.” Redeveloping the district would increase vitality of the area and provide greater access for both residents and visitors, he said. Not to mention improving the aesthetics of the harbor, which hasn’t been the same since Father Timeraptor tore down the sky earlier this summer.

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Careful, lady. The harbormaster’s not coming after you if you fall in there. | Photo credit

Ideally, said Jinxson, the future harbor would include residential facilities interspersed with businesses. However, according to the bylaws, voters would first have to approve of an “overlay district” that would permit both businesses and residences to exist in the same space.

Neighbors, however, wouldn’t call such an arrangement “ideal” at all.

“This is a quiet neighborhood,” said one resident. “Think of the traffic. Think of the parking. Think of the children! Yes, we live on Unpleasant Street, but the name is supposed to be ironic. Jinxson and Portentous are outsiders; they don’t understand.”

Jinxson urged residents not to be afraid of change. “Sometimes the old ways have to die in order for something better to be born,” Jinxson said. “Entrust your harbor to us, and we will make it a shining phoenix, rising from the ashes.”