97th Edition: Extra! Extra! Extraterrestrials

By Thamanda Crompson
Staff Reporter

The aliens have saved the day! Every alien family has adopted one of Fauxhasset’s 3,000-plus spare cats, which were previously being housed in the local library due to insufficient space at the animal shelter.

Granted, it took months of careful manipulation to convince them, but the aliens now believe that the cats are actually dogs and that adopting them has made them more American. Now, at last, the library can be used for more bookish purposes again.

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Actually the aliens were easy to convince. The hardest part was convincing the cats they were dogs. | Photo credit

The library held a grand reopening last weekend. For the first time since the aliens arrived, some of Fauxhasset’s human children were allowed to mingle with the newcomers. Much to everyone’s surprise, the human and alien children interacted as if there were no difference between them.

“I must say it was… shocking. Unsettling, even,” said one young father, while his four-year-old son played a game of “Duck, Duck, Goose” with seven other humans and eight aliens, facilitated by HUMAN Society founder Devan Branch. “It was like they couldn’t even tell the difference.”

That, according to Branch, is the whole point of HUMAN, a support group he created for the purpose of “Helping the Unearthly Masses Acclimate to the Newworld.”

“They are just like us,” Branch said. “They live in Fauxhasset, they pay taxes, their kids go to school here. They pay for the color-coded dump bags, just like us. Their android au pairs have to display beach stickers just like everyone else’s. Just like you and me, they circle the soccer fields on Saturdays looking for a spot to park. They too must floss the glitter out from between their teeth after brushing. They just need a little help understanding some things that long-time townies take for granted.”

For instance, said Branch, we all know that families are legally obligated to display stick figure renditions of themselves on the rear windshield of their cars: Mom, Dad, little Johnny with his football, little Susie in her tutu, little Fido with his collar and bone.

It was necessary to explain this to the aliens, and they still have not quite grasped the requirement. Their windshields seem to depict an awful lot of eyeballs, tentacles, and general gooiness that comes altogether too close in appearance to the extra fat that locals have paid so much to liposuction off.

“It’s a work in progress,” Branch said breezily. “They’ve already learned so much.”

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Ϩΐʛɧ£ΐϨα claims to have been smiling for the artist when this stick figure rendition was created. | Photo credit

The students of the Fenclave have embraced the alien culture – especially its bizarre and extravagant sense of fashion – wholeheartedly.

“These extraterrestrials are, like, super extra,” said Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone. “But I love it. Look, my friend ϾΐиᴆεяεŁŁα replaced my hair with fiber optics! We’re going into business together. Our Alienwear fall cosmetics line will be for sale online in a couple of weeks.”

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A sneak peek at the fall cosmetics line from Alienwear. | Photo credit

“Don’t get me wrong,” said an anonymous mom whose fifth-grader was seen trading shoes with one of the aliens at the library’s grand reopening – a pair of pink Crocs for a pair of bedazzled crocodile skulls. “I think it’s great for the kids to be exposed to other cultures. But I admit I’m a little worried about what my daughter is learning from them.”

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