Fauxhasset Paroder, 99th Edition: Students Wax Political

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Fauxhasset has always been diverse. We have Gnaw’s shoppers and Cop & GOP shoppers, white wine drinkers and red wine drinkers, country club guys and yacht club guys, soccer moms and football moms, Patriots fans and Red Sox fans.

We live with these tiny civil wars daily; they are a part of us. But today, this peaceful, perfect hamlet by the sea was nearly plunged into a true civil war when children and adults failed to see eye-to-eye about how the town should be run.

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RIP, Gene and Jiles. | Photo credit

One month ago, the Assembly of Chosen filled two vacated seats that opened up when former Chosens Gene Strom and Jiles Knack passed away during the Oldpocalypse. The new occupants were simply wax figures of the former Chosen, possessed with their reincarnated spirits.

But members of the Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs), which governed Fauxhasset through the Oldpocalypse, had hoped to be represented on the board, or at least see the matter put to a vote. When this did not happen, they placed the Temple under siege, demanding a fair and just democratic process.

Now, with just six days left of summer vacation, the children are taking more drastic measures. The divided lower elementary schools – Captain America’s School for the Awesome and Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes – have united for the first time in 100 years to march on the Temple and demand justice.

For decades, parents have been unsure just what their children have been learning at these schools. The teachers have been on strike for almost 118 years, and under the Professorless Independent Education (PIE™) system, students are free to learn about whatever they wish, in whatever manner they see fit.

It now seems that they have truly been studying what the schools’ names claim – that is, how to be superheroes, and how to turn superheroes into snowflakes. Both skill sets served them surprisingly well when they stormed the Temple today.

The girls of Princess Elsa’s turned the boys into snowflakes. Then, a second-grader from Captain America’s named Harrison Hurricane blew them all through an open window, where the staggering heat of the day melted the snowflakes back into humans again.

The superheroes fought their way through secretaries, metal detectors, stacks of paperwork, a jumble of confusing old equipment including tangled phone cords and screaming fax machines, and, finally, the Sphinx that guards the Assembly’s meeting room.

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The sphynx guarding the Assembly of Chosen’s meeting room may be “just a cat,” but it can still look into your soul. | Photo credit

Once there, they removed two hostages from the building: The wax figures of Chosens Gene Strom and Jiles Knack. The figures were placed on the Common in the blazing midday sun, protesting less and less coherently as their faces began to melt in the heat.

Students threatened to let the figures melt completely if their demands were not met. Adults tried to reason with them, but neither police nor parents could disperse the uprising before the figures had been reduced to puddles.

Instead, the heroes of the day were, in fact, troublemakers themselves. Two Men were walking Their Dog and Their Faceless Baby nearby when they noticed the commotion and intervened.

Next thing anyone knew, someone had nominated them to fill the vacant seats themselves, someone else had seconded the motion, and a bunch of people had shouted “Aye,” while other people (but not as many of them) said, “Nay.” Two Men And Their Dog won the seats by a simple majority vote.

“We had no plans to run for office,” Two Men told the Paroder. “Our hands are full with Our beloved Dog and Our precious little Lumin, who’s just starting to learn how to make facial features. But if this is what it takes to bring peace to Fauxhasset, of course We are more than happy to do it.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 98th Edition: Is the Drinking Water a Problem?

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

A tsunami rolled through town on Thursday. It’s still here today, and officials are no closer to knowing what to do about it than they were five days ago.

The Assembly of Chosen says it’s not their problem; rogue waves fall under the jurisdiction of GOSH, the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor. But GOSH says the tsunami is not threatening the ocean, shore or harbor, so it’s not their problem, either.

The Panic Brigade said the localized flooding doesn’t meet the threshold for panicking. Police said their authority does not extend to acts of God. Meanwhile, the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is just hoping this might finally wash all that glitter out of the water supply once and for all.

The Water Department also denied responsibility. “It’s not drinking water,” specified Water Commissioner Golf Rusteby.

Daniel Jack, son of Jamie and general manager of local Irish pub Fooley’s, begged to differ. “That water has been drinking at my establishment since it arrived,” said Jack. “It is most definitely drinking water.”

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The Paroder shared a couple of beers with Johnny, and he seems like a solid guy. As solid as liquid can be, anyway. | Photo credit

The only ones taking any responsibility at all are the apostles of the late Father Mumblehill, who claim that the tsunami would have been much bigger – indeed, apocalyptically bigger – if not for their prayer and petitions on behalf of the town.

“That’s apocalypse number 217 successfully averted,” said Ezekiel Henderson, one of Mumblehill’s protégés. “You’re welcome, Fauxhasset.”

Over at Fooley’s, Jack said he can’t complain: even though the extremely localized tsunami has flooded his establishment, it does not seem to get drunk no matter how much alcohol it consumes, so the profit of keeping this loyal patron happy will surely outweigh the expense of the damage it causes.

In fact, many local businesses are fans of Fauxhasset’s newest resident, which apparently answers to “Johnny.” The insurance agencies love him, since everywhere he goes, property owners are sure to call and cash in on their policies soon after.

For instance, the luxury condos at 8 Lame Jane’s have once again been leveled thanks to a visit from Johnny. Contractors say that re-re-rebuilding the units will give the local economy a nice boost.

The Water Commission agreed that Johnny’s arrival might be in the community’s best interest. “Drinking water or not,” said Rusteby, “if Johnny raises the water table even a smidge, people might stop wasting our town’s resources on their brown lawns. And I would drink to that!”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 97th Edition: Extra! Extra! Extraterrestrials

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The aliens have saved the day! Every alien family has adopted one of Fauxhasset’s 3,000-plus spare cats, which were previously being housed in the local library due to insufficient space at the animal shelter.

Granted, it took months of careful manipulation to convince them, but the aliens now believe that the cats are actually dogs and that adopting them has made them more American. Now, at last, the library can be used for more bookish purposes again.

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Actually the aliens were easy to convince. The hardest part was convincing the cats they were dogs. | Photo credit

The library held a grand reopening last weekend. For the first time since the aliens arrived, some of Fauxhasset’s human children were allowed to mingle with the newcomers. Much to everyone’s surprise, the human and alien children interacted as if there were no difference between them.

“I must say it was… shocking. Unsettling, even,” said one young father, while his four-year-old son played a game of “Duck, Duck, Goose” with seven other humans and eight aliens, facilitated by HUMAN Society founder Devan Branch. “It was like they couldn’t even tell the difference.”

That, according to Branch, is the whole point of HUMAN, a support group he created for the purpose of “Helping the Unearthly Masses Acclimate to the Newworld.”

“They are just like us,” Branch said. “They live in Fauxhasset, they pay taxes, their kids go to school here. They pay for the color-coded dump bags, just like us. Their android au pairs have to display beach stickers just like everyone else’s. Just like you and me, they circle the soccer fields on Saturdays looking for a spot to park. They too must floss the glitter out from between their teeth after brushing. They just need a little help understanding some things that long-time townies take for granted.”

For instance, said Branch, we all know that families are legally obligated to display stick figure renditions of themselves on the rear windshield of their cars: Mom, Dad, little Johnny with his football, little Susie in her tutu, little Fido with his collar and bone.

It was necessary to explain this to the aliens, and they still have not quite grasped the requirement. Their windshields seem to depict an awful lot of eyeballs, tentacles, and general gooiness that comes altogether too close in appearance to the extra fat that locals have paid so much to liposuction off.

“It’s a work in progress,” Branch said breezily. “They’ve already learned so much.”

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Ϩΐʛɧ£ΐϨα claims to have been smiling for the artist when this stick figure rendition was created. | Photo credit

The students of the Fenclave have embraced the alien culture – especially its bizarre and extravagant sense of fashion – wholeheartedly.

“These extraterrestrials are, like, super extra,” said Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone. “But I love it. Look, my friend ϾΐиᴆεяεŁŁα replaced my hair with fiber optics! We’re going into business together. Our Alienwear fall cosmetics line will be for sale online in a couple of weeks.”

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A sneak peek at the fall cosmetics line from Alienwear. | Photo credit

“Don’t get me wrong,” said an anonymous mom whose fifth-grader was seen trading shoes with one of the aliens at the library’s grand reopening – a pair of pink Crocs for a pair of bedazzled crocodile skulls. “I think it’s great for the kids to be exposed to other cultures. But I admit I’m a little worried about what my daughter is learning from them.”