By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
The liberals are revolting. And we mean that as a present participle, not as a statement of character. There is an actual revolt taking place outside the Temple, where the Assembly of Chosen has been besieged by supporters of FEALs, the Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders.
After Father Timeraptor restored the Chosen to their proper ages, the board resumed its regular meetings as if nothing had happened. It has already filled the two seats that were vacated by members who died of old age during the Oldpocalypse.
Those seats are now occupied by incredibly lifelike wax figures of their former occupants, Jiles Knack and Gene Strom. At the start of Tuesday’s meeting, Town Moderator Norm Lacostradamus conducted a séance and placed Knack and Strom’s spirits inside their respective wax figures, so the models are even sentient, although their mouths don’t move when they speak.
The self-appointed Fairly Elected Assembly of Leaders (FEALs) is having none of it.
“We governed and guided Fauxhasset through the Oldpocalypse while everyone else was either freaking out or napping,” said Zane Harris, vice president of the Fenclave, who served as interim Town Manager.
“No one is looking to replace Mown Tanager or the three Chosen who survived the Oldpocalypse,” added Harris, “but it’s a little shocking that they went ahead and filled those seats with glorified puppets rather than bring in some new blood. There should have at least been a vote. It’s bad democracy.”
FEALs has drummed up a lot of support from the town’s schoolchildren, from whose ranks its members had appointed themselves. They have so far failed to attract older voters, but they do have two things on their side: Sheer numbers, and completely vacant schedules, since they are all on summer vacation.
That means they are completely free to gather, plot, scheme, campaign, and besiege their elders, even if they are not actually old enough to cast votes themselves at the “Fair and Just Democratic Election” they’re demanding.
“We might be young, but we took care of Fauxhasset for three whole months, and that should count for something,” said Lieutenant Lava, a student at Captain America’s School for the Awesome who served on the FEALs from April through July.
“We started the new political party ‘Make Life Fair Again’ to bring back justice and democracy,” Lava said. “We hope the town will do the right thing and join us in our fight for a fair election.”
Police said they cannot arrest or remove the children camped out around the Temple as long as their protest remains nonviolent. They have partnered with the Panic Brigade to air drop supplies into the Temple for the 17 employees and elected officials trapped inside.
Two members of the media, this reporter and broadcast technician Miiike “Jax” Jackson, were allowed to walk free, as FEALs felt it was important to maintain positive relations with the press.