Op-Ed: The Sobby Story Of Sobby Raint-John

Dear Editor,

I read the paper last week and saw that stupid letter that claimed I was lost in the Waffle House. Yeah, no. First, can you say propaganda? Second, that place is a miracle. Third, I did not disappear and I’m pretty sure there has been crime in Fauxhasset. But, you see, I’m the one who has been filling in for all 26 or whatever number of jobs Devan Branch used to have since he became a full-time Jedi and started the HUMAN Society. I just don’t have the time or energy to write about anything right now.

The last few weeks or months or something have been filled with constant on-the-job training. Devin was the Rookie Ranger for the Womp and now that responsibility has fallen on me. That place is such a mess without him, and with it being mid-summer ALL THE TIME now (thanks, Fauxsutawney Fil), it requires SO MUCH attention. I’m pretty sure I have Lime Disease again too. No, not Lyme Disease. Lime Disease. Like Scurvy. Because Devan was ALSO a part-time PIRATE.

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WHERE’S MY KINDLY JEDI MASTER, DEVAN BRANCH??? | Photo credit

Let’s also not forget that Devan was a part-time Jedi. I’ll be honest, that’s the only reason I’m doing all this. Once he was promoted, I got his old training light saber. But, there are like a million questions I have that nobody can answer. How long does the battery on this take to charge? I’ve left it plugged in for like 48 hours and I still don’t know how to turn it on. Is it safe? Can I take it on a plane or does it have one of those banned lithium-ion batteries?

And oh yeah, did any of you remember that Devan was a part-time minstrel, too? I sure didn’t when I volunteered for to fill his shoes! The only reason I had time to write this letter is I’m going to use it for the song I am working on right now. Verbatim.

I wake up in a cold sweat everyday because I’m sure I forgot to go to one of the dozens of jobs he had. Devan. HOW DID YOU DO IT ALL?!? AM I GETTING PAID FOR ANY OF THIS?

Sincerely, miserably, and with the utmost respect and exhaustion,
Sobby Raint-John

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