By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Police are investigating a string of petty burglaries. Residents awoke Monday morning to find the laces missing from every pair of shoes in town.
The town’s large population of important businessmen was justifiably upset. “My office has a very strict dress code,” a man in Giorgio Armani dress socks told the Paroder. “Showing up with unlaced shoes would be a major faux pas – and wearing sandals? Unthinkable!”
His wife, wearing a pair of Gucci ankle socks, chimed in, “It’s that Waffle House bringing criminals into town. Look at us: ground to a standstill all because some millennials had to have their waffles. Those shoelaces were real unicorn hair, too – worth six figures apiece.”
Victims unanimously reported that the shoelaces had definitely been there when they went to bed, and they had not heard a thing in the night, nor had any doors been forced or security alarms triggered. A handful of callers reported waking up in fits of sneezing before discovering the theft.
“There’s definitely something fishy about this crime,” said one mother as she sent her kids off to school in rain boots. “And I mean literally. Besides taking all the shoelaces, the burglar poked holes in all our canned goods and spilled tuna juice all over the pantry. Why would someone do that?”
Police first checked in on local troublemakers Two Men And Their Dog.
Two Men looked suspiciously sleepless – just like a couple of cat burglars who had spent the night stealing every shoelace in town! However, the young fathers claimed they had simply had a long night caring for Their newly adopted faceless baby.
“Cat burglary? Don’t look at us,” was all They said. “We’re Dog people.”
Police were stumped until one resident contacted them with a video recorded by one of their home security cameras.
The perpetrators gained access to the home via a set of French doors on a balcony. Some time later, they returned to the doors to leave, each carrying several long strings in its mouth. The last of the crew hesitated, unable to decide whether he wished to go outside, or inside, or outside, or inside, or out.
Upon reviewing footage from other residences, police found that several gangs of cats had made the rounds the previous night. They suspect that all those cats that keep spawning outside of the Paroder office and Abraham Building conspired to divide and conquer a community’s worth of shoes.
See, folks? This is what happens when you don’t adopt your fair share of cats.
“It all makes sense now,” Police Chief Stephen Quill told the Paroder. “They didn’t have to break and enter, and they were too low to the ground to be caught on most security cameras. It was the purrfect crime. Now the only problem is where we’ll get enough Kennel Cabs to hold them all.”