80th Edition: Alien social club hogs satellite parking

By Thamanda Crompson
Staff Reporter

Police arrested no less than 57 aliens for “suspicious activity” at the Waffle House on Friday.

Witnesses said their large numbers suggested the aliens were plotting something – on top of which, their spaceships were taking up all the parking spots in the satellite lot, leaving none for employees or rightful residents who may have needed to park there.

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Is this how alien jail feels? More like “Loser Every Time.” | Photo credit

Witnesses furthermore surmised that an illegal party must be taking place and that the large group of aliens were likely intoxicated after spending their Friday night at the Waffle House.

Police said that none of the aliens had been drinking, and there were no signs of a party inside the establishment – “Just gleaming golden squares of carbs, steaming under the heat lamps, some with melted chocolate shimmering on their edges, encrusted with rainbow sprinkles; others with ruby-red strawberry jam pooling in their crevices and clouds of whipped cream resting on top – uh, who were we arresting, again?”

Aliens on the scene told the Paroder that they were just chatting while returning to their vehicles after dining at the Waffle House. They said they had not raised their voices and were surprised to hear that witnesses and neighbors were upset.

They were even more surprised to find themselves handcuffed over it.

“They could have just asked us to keep it down,” said one alien, which had taken the form of a tall, red-haired man in a green vest. “We are trying to learn your ways and live among you as respectful neighbors. It is important for people to tell us when we are not achieving this so we can do better.”

Last to emerge from the Waffle House was Full-Time Jedi Devan Branch. Witnesses gasped audibly at the sight of this formerly upstanding young man, one-time Radiation State Park rookie ranger, an accomplished Gryphon Scout, and a renowned wandering minstrel, keeping such company.

Branch apologized for upsetting the neighbors and vouched for the handcuffed aliens, saying that they had been conducting a cultural education session as part of his new “JELAMENA-8/Earth Relations Initiative and Cultural Orientation” (or JERICO) Program.

Branch said the club had not realized its meeting had been loud enough to bother anybody.

“They could have just asked us to keep it down,” said Branch. “These folks are trying to learn our ways and live among us as respectful neighbors. It’s important for people to tell them when they’re not achieving that so they can do better.”

Police let Branch off with a warning and ordered him to register his social club properly with the Town before conducting further meetings.

After reviewing security footage that showed no noise violations or disruptive activity, police released the 57 aliens in custody on Monday with deepest apologies and a promise that, whenever the next meeting took place, waffles were on the department.

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