Fauxhasset Paroder, 80th Edition: Alien social club hogs satellite parking

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Police arrested no less than 57 aliens for “suspicious activity” at the Waffle House on Friday.

Witnesses said their large numbers suggested the aliens were plotting something – on top of which, their spaceships were taking up all the parking spots in the satellite lot, leaving none for employees or rightful residents who may have needed to park there.

Is this how alien jail feels? More like “Loser Every Time.” | Photo credit

Witnesses furthermore surmised that an illegal party must be taking place and that the large group of aliens were likely intoxicated after spending their Friday night at the Waffle House.

Police said that none of the aliens had been drinking, and there were no signs of a party inside the establishment – “Just gleaming golden squares of carbs, steaming under the heat lamps, some with melted chocolate shimmering on their edges, encrusted with rainbow sprinkles; others with ruby-red strawberry jam pooling in their crevices and clouds of whipped cream resting on top – uh, who were we arresting, again?”

Aliens on the scene told the Paroder that they were just chatting while returning to their vehicles after dining at the Waffle House. They said they had not raised their voices and were surprised to hear that witnesses and neighbors were upset.

They were even more surprised to find themselves handcuffed over it.

“They could have just asked us to keep it down,” said one alien, which had taken the form of a tall, red-haired man in a green vest. “We are trying to learn your ways and live among you as respectful neighbors. It is important for people to tell us when we are not achieving this so we can do better.”

Last to emerge from the Waffle House was Full-Time Jedi Devan Branch. Witnesses gasped audibly at the sight of this formerly upstanding young man, one-time Radiation State Park rookie ranger, an accomplished Gryphon Scout, and a renowned wandering minstrel, keeping such company.

Branch apologized for upsetting the neighbors and vouched for the handcuffed aliens, saying that they had been conducting a cultural education session as part of his new “JELAMENA-8/Earth Relations Initiative and Cultural Orientation” (or JERICO) Program.

Branch said the club had not realized its meeting had been loud enough to bother anybody.

“They could have just asked us to keep it down,” said Branch. “These folks are trying to learn our ways and live among us as respectful neighbors. It’s important for people to tell them when they’re not achieving that so they can do better.”

Police let Branch off with a warning and ordered him to register his social club properly with the Town before conducting further meetings.

After reviewing security footage that showed no noise violations or disruptive activity, police released the 57 aliens in custody on Monday with deepest apologies and a promise that, whenever the next meeting took place, waffles were on the department.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 79th Edition: O Captain! My Bagel Captain!

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Captain of everyone’s favorite bagel shop, Salt Water Dough Rings, announced his retirement this week. No sooner had the Captain finished his retirement speech than, to everyone’s disappointment and no one’s surprise, the restaurant immediately revealed its true form as a real estate office.

A toast to you, Mon Capitan. | Photo credit

“The Captain was really what made this place special,” said one resident, an unidentified 61-year-old woman who claimed she had eaten breakfast there daily for an unspecified number of decades (but rest assured it was a lot).

“Why, I remember when Main Street was nothing but real estate offices,” said the woman. “Long time ago – well, not that long, as I am but a spring chicken myself! The Captain was the first to transform one of the storefronts into something greater, something that served those who were already living in our fine town and not just those who were thinking about it.”

Salt Water Dough Rings is the second landmark restaurant in Fauxhasset to close its doors since the outset of the New Year. The Redfin Eatery also shuttered back in January.

However, being located on the state highway rather than in the Village proper, Redfin did not revert into a real estate office. Instead, it was immediately replaced by a Waffle House. It is still unclear what type of food, if any, is served at the Waffle House; reports vary widely.

Students of the Fenclave held a lamentation ceremony on the sidewalk in front of the former Salt Water Dough Rings shop. They clad themselves in potato sacks, wept and rubbed ashes in one another’s hair until police asked them to return to the high school.

“But bagels are everything,” sobbed one distraught teenager.

And now we all have a hole in our soul where Salt Water Dough Rings used to be. | Photo credit

“There, there,” said the officer on duty. “Only everything bagels are everything. Why don’t you head on over to Punkies for some Munchkins? That’ll make you feel whole again for sure.”

“And put some real clothes on,” added the officer. “Just because winter is over forever doesn’t mean you can run around half-naked.”

Rumor has it that a group of aliens are raising funds to buy out the real estate office and convert it into Fauxhasset’s first alien eatery. Residents have mixed feelings about this, ranging from horror to intrigue to apathy.

“We don’t know what kinds of ingredients they consider appetizing,” said one random person the Paroder stopped on the sidewalk. “What if they like their meat raw? What if they think pickles go with peanut butter? What if regular people can’t digest the sort of stuff they eat? I wouldn’t go.”

“This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since the aliens arrived,” said Town Glutton Nom Chompsky. “I’m camping out right here until they open so I can be the first to try it.”

“I eat my wife’s cooking,” said one gentleman with a shrug. “If that hasn’t killed me, neither will this.”

Fauxhasset Paroder, 78th Edition: The Return of the Groundhog

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Groundhog Day came and went with the normal amount of fanfare. Punxsutawney Phil made his customary appearance on the Common, emerging from the Hallowed Burrow to prophesy six more weeks of winter to the thousands of residents listening raptly on the Town Common.

Fauxsutawney Fil, a large raccoon who claimed to be the reincarnation of the original groundhog RALPH and last year triggered the Thousand Foot Snow, was long gone through the Accursed Burrow. Fauxhasset believed it was safe from anything more sinister than another 42 days of winter.

It was wrong.

Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone says residents’ discarded cash will boost the nation-state’s fledgling economy. | Photo credit

Just as the festivities were dying down, the stars began to keen and a steady womp-womp-womp could be heard in the distance. An unnaturally large blue moon appeared in the west to face down the small, pale gibbous rising in the east.

Soon the massive impostor raccoon appeared on the horizon, silhouetted against the uncanny blue moon and flanked by his multi-specied worshippers (including 13 indestructible porcupines, which were supposed to ensure Fauxhasset never saw the impostor raccoon again, but had apparently been converted to Fil’s cause).

“My fellow Fauxhassians,” Fil boomed. “Last year, you drove me out of your fine town, being displeased with the eternal winter I so benevolently bestowed upon you. This year, I will do better. Phil has promised you six more weeks of winter. I now promise you that winter is hereby over – forever.”

“Cold? Snow? Things of the past,” Fil promised. “Instead, I give you warmth, sunshine, and Christmas every day!”

Not like this was a rare sight, anyway. | Photo credit

Explosive applause from the children. As for the adults, those gathered seemed uncertain whether or not to cheer. Many began to clap at the mention of permanent paradise weather, only to freeze up at the mention of permanent Christmas. Other simply downed their drinks and threw their cash in the air.

“Eh, we were just going to burn it to keep our home warm for the next six weeks, anyway,” explained one celebrant. “Not sure Christmas every day will eat through it fast enough.”

Fil and his congregation returned peacefully to the Womp, while befuddled residents trailed back to their homes. Students of the Fenclave stayed late into the night raking up all the cash with the help of the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG).

“I am constantly blown away by the disrespect these people show to the environment,” said GREG Chairman Kelvin Ermits. “All this litter – we provided receptacles for paper, plastic and glass at every exit! How much easier can we make it?”

Speaker of the Fenclave Shannon Blackstone said, “I think the thing we need to address, and no one is talking about this – but all this paper is actually, like, money. I mean, it’s old money. We can’t, like, Venmo it or anything. But Prezzy Jimmy says it has legit value, so we’re collecting it to add to our burgeoning economy.”

“Hey,” Blackstone added, looking over her shoulder to Fenclave President Jimmy Garoppolo for guidance. “Do colleges take this stuff?”