Fauxhasset Paroder, 77th Edition: Cat-astrophe on the Corner

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder

The library is closed until further notice. It has been co-opted as an emergency homeless shelter for cats.

There was nowhere else to put them, officials said apologetically. The animal shelters in all nearby towns are already full, and the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) is in jail for conspiring to rip open space-time and flood our beautiful town with aliens.

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Thamanda Crompson’s 12 adopted cats. | Photo credit

The cats started materializing in November in the intersection outside of the Paroder office. Ever since reconstruction was completed on the Abraham Building that’s kitty corner to the news office, the cats have been appearing with greater and greater frequency.

At first, it was just two or three a week. Then it was two or three a day. Now they’re spawning almost hourly. Your reporter has adopted 12, and a generous unidentified 62-year-old woman accepted 23 before declining any more additions to her home, lest she cross the line into “crazy cat lady” territory (a line she drew arbitrarily at “two dozen”).

“I’m trying to do right by these precious babies,” said the unidentified woman, “but it’s time some other folks in this town started taking responsibility.”

Mecca Mile residents and the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) would agree, since the hundreds of cats have been making a giant litterbox of our town’s fine beaches.

“It’s unsanitary,” said Azula Inras, Town Wellness Warrior and Chosen Wielder of the Blue Cross and Shield. “Wish we still had that black hole in the harbor.”

“If I could just speak with the cats,” the LAW said from behind bars, “we could find out what they want. It may be quite simple: a different flavor of kibble, a different scent of litter, more string to chase or mice to catch. A simple conversation could help us meet their demands and live in peace.”

He added, “Even if it’s something more complicated, like the legalization of catnip – starting the conversation is the first step. We may not see eye-to-eye, but we’ll never reach a compromise if we don’t talk to them.”

From the next cell, hotelier Ord Girdlehyde threw in his two cents.

“It is nice of whoever turned the library into a cat sanctuary, isn’t it? Almost like a hotel for cats. I mean, not that I had anything to do with it – I am just saying it is nice,” Girdlehyde said. “The snow is very cold out there. It is important to have a place that feels like home, even when one cannot be truly at home.”

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They’ve definitely made themselves at home, all right. | Photo credit

“That is why I’ve put down this fine shag carpeting here in my cell and strung up these lovely Edison bulbs,” Girdlehyde rambled on. “It feels so much warmer, wouldn’t you say? The cats needed this, as well. We all need this. Deep down, we are all the same.”

Until a solution is found to the cat situation, library use is discouraged, especially for those who suffer from fur and dander-related allergies. In the meantime, may we suggest asking your question to Alexa or Siri? Come on, people – it’s 2018; who even needs books anymore?

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 76th Edition: Make Like a Tree and – Wait, No, Come Back

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Residents awoke this morning to find the trees gone. Nowhere in town was a single tree to be found standing. Even the heap of discarded Christmas trees at the transfer center had vanished.

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Have you seen me? | Photo credit

There were no stumps to indicate that the trees had been cut down, and police said they had not received any noise complaints about buzz saws or other equipment that would have been required to fell and remove thousands of trees overnight.

A woman was found dancing and weeping beside the town common, where an iconic ash tree had spread its leaves wide for nigh 500 years.

“I’m having a shade tree hearing,” the woman explained between twirls. “That means I’m thanking it for 499 years of blissful shade in the summer heat. I would have liked to say so while it was still here, but isn’t that always the way? We never tell anyone how much we appreciate them till they’re gone.”

Residents were quick to point fingers, but none could agree on who was responsible.

Several pinned the incident on the large new alien population, reasoning that Fauxhasset’s newest residents wanted the town to look more like their barren home planet.

Others blamed hotelier Ord Girdlehyde – who, to be fair, destroyed several acres of wetland to build his latest hotel, Castle Girdlehausen, in the fall, not to mention poisoning the water table with glitter.

Girdlehyde himself pointed to developer JJ Henry, who was responsible for the luxury condos at 8 Lame Jane and many others in town, as far back as the Achey Cedars development in the 1970s. However, Henry hasn’t been seen since the Lame Jane townhomes burned to the ground in September.

Mavin Kirk, daughter of Chair-Chosen Mevin Kirk and a resident of the Fenclave, told the Paroder that the Ents had at last gone in search of their lost Entwives, and we should be happy for them. “It’s very romantic,” she assured us.

X-Ray Xanadu, Spokeschild for Captain America’s School for the Awesome, said the Grinch had taken them all, but not to worry – he was rallying the superhero troops to get the trees back.

The disappearance of the trees has caused a schism in the Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG). Half the members are claiming that the trees are angry with us and we must repent to bring them back. The other half is already setting up solar panels across the town.

Those idiots at Town Hall said they’re working feverishly to get to the bottom of the mystery.

“Whoever did this never came to us for a permit,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “Not that we would have approved it! I’m just saying that, in addition to greatly inconveniencing the citizens of Fauxhasset and sowing fear in the community, they also failed to adhere to the local bylaws. Therefore, we’re taking this very seriously.”

Officials urged residents to remain calm (and also to remain at home, just in case some great and inexplicable evil is afoot… or in case the trees reappear suddenly, lest anyone become trapped inside of one). But no one should panic, officials were quick to add. The situation is under control. Especially the panicking part of the situation. The Panic Brigade has that well-covered.

Still, if anyone feels inclined to repent, it’s probably not a bad idea.

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: A Tale of Two Letters to the Editor

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“Think of the parking spaces, Fauxhasset!” | Photo credit

Dear Editor,

Fauxhasset, what are we doing? It was bad enough when let that alien SANTA live here but now there are just too many of them. We tolerated him, his ways, and his spaceship largely because he kept to himself and out of the lives of normal people. Now though, we have all these aliens living here and trying to change the way we live. I for one don’t support change and I know plenty of other members of Fauxhasset will agree with me. We shouldn’t be trying to find them homes. We should be trying to SEND them home. Think of the parking spaces, Fauxhasset. Where will an honest citizen park?

Respectfully,
Larry Lembas

 

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Or maybe they’re just here to steal our pizza. | Photo credit

 
Dear Editor,

I couldn’t be happier about our newest residents and I know many of you feel the same way. The aliens bring with them a new and exciting culture which is honestly a breath of fresh air for our town. Just imagine the good they will do for our stale economy and the revenue they will bring in as we become the first hub for space tourism. Imagine the new food, Fauxhasset! Sure, I’ll admit we already have a small parking problem in town, but that’s an equally small price to pay for all the good these aliens are doing for our community.

Nom Chompsky