By Thamanda Crompson
The library is closed until further notice. It has been co-opted as an emergency homeless shelter for cats.
There was nowhere else to put them, officials said apologetically. The animal shelters in all nearby towns are already full, and the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) is in jail for conspiring to rip open space-time and flood our beautiful town with aliens.
The cats started materializing in November in the intersection outside of the Paroder office. Ever since reconstruction was completed on the Abraham Building that’s kitty corner to the news office, the cats have been appearing with greater and greater frequency.
At first, it was just two or three a week. Then it was two or three a day. Now they’re spawning almost hourly. Your reporter has adopted 12, and a generous unidentified 62-year-old woman accepted 23 before declining any more additions to her home, lest she cross the line into “crazy cat lady” territory (a line she drew arbitrarily at “two dozen”).
“I’m trying to do right by these precious babies,” said the unidentified woman, “but it’s time some other folks in this town started taking responsibility.”
Mecca Mile residents and the Guardians of the Ocean, Shore and Harbor (GOSH) would agree, since the hundreds of cats have been making a giant litterbox of our town’s fine beaches.
“It’s unsanitary,” said Azula Inras, Town Wellness Warrior and Chosen Wielder of the Blue Cross and Shield. “Wish we still had that black hole in the harbor.”
“If I could just speak with the cats,” the LAW said from behind bars, “we could find out what they want. It may be quite simple: a different flavor of kibble, a different scent of litter, more string to chase or mice to catch. A simple conversation could help us meet their demands and live in peace.”
He added, “Even if it’s something more complicated, like the legalization of catnip – starting the conversation is the first step. We may not see eye-to-eye, but we’ll never reach a compromise if we don’t talk to them.”
From the next cell, hotelier Ord Girdlehyde threw in his two cents.
“It is nice of whoever turned the library into a cat sanctuary, isn’t it? Almost like a hotel for cats. I mean, not that I had anything to do with it – I am just saying it is nice,” Girdlehyde said. “The snow is very cold out there. It is important to have a place that feels like home, even when one cannot be truly at home.”
“That is why I’ve put down this fine shag carpeting here in my cell and strung up these lovely Edison bulbs,” Girdlehyde rambled on. “It feels so much warmer, wouldn’t you say? The cats needed this, as well. We all need this. Deep down, we are all the same.”
Until a solution is found to the cat situation, library use is discouraged, especially for those who suffer from fur and dander-related allergies. In the meantime, may we suggest asking your question to Alexa or Siri? Come on, people – it’s 2018; who even needs books anymore?