Fauxhasset Paroder, 73rd Edition: Every Space Rift Has a Silver Lining

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The snow has settled since yesterday’s alien invasion, leaving Fauxhasset encrusted in glitter: it seems that the construction accident at Castle Girdelhausen has polluted not only the water supply, but the entire water cycle.

However, the glitter is the least of anyone’s concerns now that the aliens are here.

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The gateway to hell. Uh, JELAMENA-8, that is. Photo credit

It was one thing when it was just ϨΔиϮα and whoever knocked up the mother of that faceless baby that Two Men And Their Dog adopted. Now, there are thousands of aliens, and each one has its own personal cyborg assistant.

Well, at least no one can complain about the unemployed androids anymore.

Speaking of silver linings, there was one other good thing that came out of the giant rift in space over Castle Girdlehausen. Shorty Lembas, the five-year-old child who was swallowed by a pothole on Achey Cedars Way last December, emerged with the alien procession – alive, unharmed, ten years older and five feet taller.

He was greeted by his big sister (now his little sister) Dooey Lembas, a third-grade student at Princess Elsa’s School for Turning Superheroes into Snowflakes.

Dooey seized her brother’s leg and bellowed, “What did they do to you? You’re not short anymore! This is baloney! I spent this whole year trying to save you, and what did you do? You went and got tall! This is some alien shenanigans for sure. We’ll get you sorted out and short again just like before.”

Angry as she might have been, Dooey could not be prized from Shorty’s leg for the duration of his interview with the Paroder.

Shorty reported that he had spent the past 10 years on the planet JELAMENA-8, where he would have starved or been eaten by monsters if the kindly aliens hadn’t found him and raised him as one of their own. He said that, because the aliens could take different shapes, they were able to discover his body’s needs and provide him with the appropriate nourishment and even care for him when he fell ill.

“Be good to them,” Shorty said. “I know they seem kinda weird at first, but they’re really nice.”

The Paroder caught up with Police Chief Stephen Quill to find out whether investigators had learned anything from Ord Girdlehyde (owner of Castle Girdlehausen, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor) and the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW), who allegedly conspired to open the portal and were arrested at the scene of the rift on Christmas Day.

Quill said the department is still trying to piece together exactly how the suspects opened the portal and how it might be closed. However, they believe that a velociraptor in their custody, which the LAW is claiming to be his service animal, may have played a bigger role than the LAW is letting on.

“Radiation State Park Senior Ranger Roc Rubble has informed us that the timeraptor and the velociraptor are two of the three biological sexes of raptor,” explained Quill. “We have reason to believe that a timeraptor has passed through town at least twice this year. Beyond that, it’s just basic math. Put one raptor over the other and you get the third: the lesser-known distance-raptor, a.k.a. the space-raptor, which is apparently capable of opening a rift just like the one we have here in town over Castle Girdlehausen.”

Town officials said they are considering launching an alien naturalization program to help these strangers learn to look, speak, and act like the rest of us.

“We’d prefer to see these invaders return to their home planet,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “But if they want to live among humans, that’s up to them – they just need to follow our local bylaws and cultural norms. That includes becoming legal citizens, taking a humanoid form, and of course, finding gainful employment so they can give back to our society.”

“If they can’t agree to that,” Tanager added, “then we’ll have to revisit the possibility of a forced relocation program. We hope it doesn’t come to that.”

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 72nd Edition: They Came from Outer Space

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Christmas presents weren’t the only thing that was opened in Fauxhasset this morning. There’s also a brand new space-time portal above Castle Girdlehausen that opened while Fauxhasset slept.

Residents awoke to a snowy Christmas morning, but not in quite the way they might have hoped: instead of falling out of the sky, the thick white flakes were falling upwards into the sky, all seemingly streaming toward a single point directly above the new Castle Girdlehausen in the Mecca Mile wetlands.

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“We made it!” exclaimed this unidentified alien in a Snapchat story sent to his home planet, JELAMENA-8. Photo credit

It was difficult to get very close, as the castle was heavily guarded by an army of cyborgs that hotelier Ord Girdlehyde had been generously hosting at the hotel until Town officials could figure out how to either employ them or get rid of them. There was also a very large exodus of very small, red-nosed reindeer underfoot that the gathering crowd was afraid to step on, thus keeping most onlookers at bay.

However, a close-up view was not needed, and may have been ill-advised anyway. The rift was clearly visible from afar, and when the Paroder arrived on the scene, a very strange procession indeed was emerging from the hole in space.

Aliens, readers. Tall ones, short ones, skinny ones, fat ones, green ones, purple ones, and (perhaps most upsetting of all) ones that looked just like us. Fauxhasset is no stranger to aliens, but this many all in one place and all at once – well, residents were rightfully concerned.

“Our tax dollars are supposed to protect us from this sort of thing,” boomed Larry Lembas, a former resident of Achey Cedars Way, which has been mostly abandoned since strange symbols were discovered on the street in July.

Lembas’s former neighbor Charles LeRouge swirled his red wine, sniffed, and agreed.

Paranormal investigator Buster DeGost had rushed to the scene in his bathrobe and was scribbling furiously on a map, which depicted the locations of every supernatural incident that had occurred around town for the past year.

DeGost calculated that the coordinates of the rift fell in the precise center of the Fauxhasset Triangle, a perfect equilateral triangle formed by three sites where strange markings painted in red were discovered earlier this year: the Achey Cedars Way cul de sac, the now-vacant property at 8 Lame Jane, and a cave on Fame Island where Punxsutawney Phil had been held prisoner last spring.

“Ah,” was all DeGost said as his pencil slowed and understanding dawned. “I should have known it would be here.”

By mid-morning, the police had arrived in helicopters, as well as a few private citizens whose helicopters were also stalling up in the airspace to watch the drama unfold. Ord Girdlehyde was taken into custody, along with the Local Animal Whisperer (LAW) who was apparently in cahoots with him the whole time.

A velociraptor, which the LAW claims to be his “service animal,” is also being held at the police station while the investigation is ongoing.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 71st Edition: Unemployed Androids

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

After several weeks of negotiations, the robot army problem has been solved. Ish. At least, the thousands of cyborgs are no longer standing in the harbor. But they’re not gone, either. Out of sight. Not out of mind.

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These robots are getting ENTIRELY too comfortable in Fauxhasset. Ugh, no techy PDA, please! | Photo credit

The robots, which marched out of the black hole in the harbor four days after Thanksgiving on a day which shall henceforth be known as “Cyborg Monday,” at first resisted all attempts to bargain. Or perhaps “resisted” is the wrong word. They simply did not respond at all.

They watched, unmoving, with those gently pulsing blue eyes as Town Manager Mown Tanager and his wife Mrs. Tanager presented them with 500 home-baked casseroles. When Alien ϨΔиϮα offered to shuttle them home in his spaceship, they looked on with those benign alabaster faces showing neither consideration of the offer nor any degree of gratitude.

The police department’s offer to guide the cyborgs through the naturalization process was met with more blank, pulsing blue stares. A generous offer by Mevin Kirk, Chair Chosen of the Assembly of Chosen, to connect each robot with gainful employment in the community caused not the slightest stir among them.

It was once again Ord Girdlehyde, owner of the Mad Elephant Hotel and the new Castle Girdlehausen (and the town’s most hated part-time resident), who came to Fauxhasset’s rescue – just like when he found Punxsutawney Phil and saved us all from the Thousand Foot Snow last April.

We should probably all stop hating him so much.

The hotelier approached the robot army with a simple offer of shelter and hospitality. The Mad Elephant Hotel was full, as usual, with a mishmash of displaced Fauxhasset residents and Girdlehyde’s ever-growing cast of riffraff and oddballs, but the nearly-completed Castle Girdlehausen had lots of space.

Additionally, there were several abandoned full-size homes on Achey Cedars Way, which residents vacated in July when strange symbols were discovered during roadway reconstruction. A number of the robots have taken up temporary residence there.

Still others are glamping on other vacant properties in town, including the former site of the 8 Lame Jane townhomes, which burned down earlier this fall, and Fame Island, which Alien ϨΔиϮα finally abandoned when he found the town unwilling to issue him any building permits.

Town Manager Mown Tanager made it very clear that these accommodations are temporary and that a permanent solution must be found within 90 days, or the Town will have to remove the cyborgs by force.

“Residents are concerned, and they have every right to be,” Tanager said. “They were promised that Castle Girdlehausen would not become another transient lodging house like the Mad Elephant Hotel, and already it’s being managed the same way as everyone’s least favorite establishment.”

“This hotel has poisoned our groundwater with glitter and pitched Mecca Mile into a frenzy of construction,” said Tanager. “And now, Ord is taking on more freeloaders. These robots need jobs. They need to contribute to our community. Or they need to be gone. It isn’t fair to our residents.”

“The local bylaws require that inns and restaurants keep regular operating hours during which they are open to the public,” added Chair Chosen Kirk. “We’re permitting this for now because it benefits the public to get the cyborgs out of the harbor, but Ord is going to have to address this sooner rather than later.”