By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
Something truly terrible, dark and disturbing has happened in Fauxhasset this Halloween – something so horrible we scarcely dare put it to paper (or rather, screen, since our print edition was discontinued some months ago).
However, the news is the news, and we must print it, no matter how grim. So here it is. Reader discretion is advised. Feel free to click away; we have already logged your visit as a page view. Ready?
A woman had a baby.
Ordinarily this would be joyous news and cause for celebration – a reason for parties and casseroles and heavily gendered onesies in pastel pink and blue, neatly categorizing the infant as either a “Little Flirt” or a “Chick Magnet,” thus placing them in the box they will inexorably occupy for life.
However, this baby was born without a face.
The mother said she has reason to believe the father, with whom she had a one-night stand during the Thousand-Inch Snow, was an alien.
“He swore he wasn’t that kind of alien,” the mother told the Paroder in an exclusive interview (her name has been withheld to protect the child). “He told me he was from Canada. But fast forward nine months and I’ve got a baby without a face. How do I feed it? How is it breathing?”
“I can’t even tell if it’s a boy or a girl,” she added. “The face isn’t all that’s missing.”
Doctors are baffled. The baby cries like a normal baby, despite not having a mouth. It definitely poops, too, despite lacking any evident equipment for doing so. Experts are saying that extensive surgery will be necessary for the child to live anything resembling a normal life.
The mother, however, doesn’t want to pay for it. She says the father lied to her, and now is the time for him to step up and do his part by funding the surgery – as well as any physical therapy, special education, and counseling expenses for both her and the child.
“I should have known he was lying when he cooked bacon the morning after,” the mother said bitterly. “He was storing it all balled up in a Ziploc bag in the freezer. When we woke up, he just plunked the whole thing into a saucepan and waited for it to thaw. Like some sort of… well, alien.”
The baby will remain at the hospital, receiving fluids and nutrients intravenously, until doctors figure out what to do and whose health insurance is going to cover it. The mother, meanwhile, has taken a private jet to Hawaii, where she plans to spend the next few weeks reevaluating her life.