Fauxhasset Paroder, 64th Edition: Oh, Baby

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Something truly terrible, dark and disturbing has happened in Fauxhasset this Halloween – something so horrible we scarcely dare put it to paper (or rather, screen, since our print edition was discontinued some months ago).

However, the news is the news, and we must print it, no matter how grim. So here it is. Reader discretion is advised. Feel free to click away; we have already logged your visit as a page view. Ready?

A woman had a baby.

Ordinarily this would be joyous news and cause for celebration – a reason for parties and casseroles and heavily gendered onesies in pastel pink and blue, neatly categorizing the infant as either a “Little Flirt” or a “Chick Magnet,” thus placing them in the box they will inexorably occupy for life.

However, this baby was born without a face.

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Exactly like this statue of a baby by a prophetic artist in Prague. How did he know? | Photo credit

The mother said she has reason to believe the father, with whom she had a one-night stand during the Thousand-Inch Snow, was an alien.

“He swore he wasn’t that kind of alien,” the mother told the Paroder in an exclusive interview (her name has been withheld to protect the child). “He told me he was from Canada. But fast forward nine months and I’ve got a baby without a face. How do I feed it? How is it breathing?”

“I can’t even tell if it’s a boy or a girl,” she added. “The face isn’t all that’s missing.”

Doctors are baffled. The baby cries like a normal baby, despite not having a mouth. It definitely poops, too, despite lacking any evident equipment for doing so. Experts are saying that extensive surgery will be necessary for the child to live anything resembling a normal life.

The mother, however, doesn’t want to pay for it. She says the father lied to her, and now is the time for him to step up and do his part by funding the surgery – as well as any physical therapy, special education, and counseling expenses for both her and the child.

“I should have known he was lying when he cooked bacon the morning after,” the mother said bitterly. “He was storing it all balled up in a Ziploc bag in the freezer. When we woke up, he just plunked the whole thing into a saucepan and waited for it to thaw. Like some sort of… well, alien.”

The baby will remain at the hospital, receiving fluids and nutrients intravenously, until doctors figure out what to do and whose health insurance is going to cover it. The mother, meanwhile, has taken a private jet to Hawaii, where she plans to spend the next few weeks reevaluating her life.

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Fauxhasset Paroder, 63rd Edition: Clean Getaway

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

There has been some very spooky activity in Fauxhasset Village of late – and no, we don’t mean the ominous Latin chanting emanating softly from all the trees. No, not the eyeballs in the streetlights, either. No, no, no – not that bloodstain outside of the Temple. That’s nothing. Don’t pay any attention to that.

We’re talking about the midnight rituals taking place at 8 Lame Jane’s, where a luxury condo development mysteriously burned to the ground last month.

As police suspect arson, the area is technically still a crime scene and therefore closed to the public, but neighbors have reported late-night activity on the property nonetheless. However, by the time police arrive, the small bobbing lights described by witnesses have always disappeared, leaving investigators with no leads.

Town Manager Mown Tanager visited the scene this morning and said it simply looked like the trespassers had been cleaning. Ash and debris had been cleared out of some of the yards and what remains of the units’ basements.

“If only every burglar could be this tidy!” commented Tanager. “They’re saving DPW a good deal of work – and the Town a good deal of money that would have been spent on that work. The taxpayers should be pleased.”

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Those burglars clearly know their manners… and their memes. Photo credit

The taxpayers are not pleased. Many have noted the blood-red symbols and diagrams painted on the now-bare earth – the very same that appeared in the basement of one of the condos, and later on Fame Island, and most recently on Achey Cedars Lane. Neighbors are convinced that satanic rituals are being carried out on the property.

“Just like when my husband was alive,” commented one elderly neighbor. “He used to see them doing it. Blinking lights and spooky sounds… the devil was in that old house all right. And if you think the property isn’t cursed, tell me why those condos burned to the ground last month!”

The cops think the lady doth protest too much and have brought her in for questioning.

Meanwhile, the Paroder received an email from 8 Lame Jane’s developer J.J. Henry, who shows no signs of returning to Fauxhasset anytime soon, but was kind enough to share some insider information with us – and, by extension, all of you, dear readers.

Henry purchased the Lame Jane’s property in 2012 when the previous owner sold it for “undisclosed reasons.” Before that, the site had belonged to the same individual since 1962 – an individual who still resides in Fauxhasset, who has had his hands on a wide range of other properties in town, including Fame Island. That individual, said Henry, is no other than Mr. Z. Donne.

Look for more on this issue in an upcoming edition of the Paroder.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 62nd Edition: The Land Before (and After) Timeraptor

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

It seems another time warp has rolled through Fauxhasset, this time costing residents nearly a month in lost and unremembered time. Residents fell asleep the evening of Sept. 28 and awoke to find that all the clocks and calendars had skipped ahead to Oct. 17.

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The elusive timeraptor, believed to be a product of the common velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor. Photo credit

Some things in town jumped ahead with the date. For instance, the fall foliage is in its full splendor (although residents are reminded that taking scenic landscape photos is against the law in Fauxhasset – take that classless pseudo-art to Proxituate!).

Other things seem not to have changed at all. Funningham Bridge, for example, is still in complete shambles and closed to traffic – although it’s hard to say whether the time warp skipped that part of town, or whether construction progress is simply that inefficient. Both seem equally possible.

Town Manager Mown Tanager said that officials are “taking steps to ensure that this sort of thing doesn’t keep happening,” calling the frequent and lengthening time losses “troubling and unacceptable on the Town’s part. We can do better; we have to do better.”

Paranormal investigator Buster DeGost is conducting an investigation in conjunction with the Regional Animal Whisperer (RAW). (The Local Animal Whisperer, or LAW, was carried away by Fauxsutawney Fil’s congregation in the Womp in August and has yet to be found.)

The investigators believe that the time lapses are attributable to a timeraptor passing through town. Timeraptors are one of the three biological sexes of raptor, the others being the traditional velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor. Though little scientific knowledge is available about the species, scientists believe that the timeraptor eats time as part of its diet.

A timeraptor was documented passing through town in the spring, when its presence caused the Semiannual Spring Séance to wrap up in an uncannily reasonable three and a half hours. DeGost and the RAW believe that the creature may have simply been passing back through on its migrational route.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” said GREG, the town’s Green and Renewable Energy Group. “It’s fall. Time is supposed to fall back, not spring forward.”

GREG says it is much more likely that the fabric of time itself is eroding due to mankind’s disregard for its value and constant squandering of its resources. To conserve time, GREG urges residents to practice mindfulness meditation and focus on the present moment before it slips away.

 

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