The grocery war has reached a whole new level this summer as, in addition to Gnaw’s and Cop & GOP with their age-old rivalry, the farmer’s market has become a real contender in the competition. The organic marketplace was recently purchased by eCommerce giant Serengeti.com for $13.70.
After the parties inked the deal, fresh produce prices immediately took a nosedive. Avocados, for instance, are now selling for just 29 cents apiece. Maybe now all those avocado toast hipsters will be able to afford a house.
At the same time, Serengeti started restocking empty produce shelves with products of its own, including deeply-discounted Reverb smart home speakers featuring the company’s proprietary voice assistant, Axela.
Fauxhasset shoppers are loving it. Who wouldn’t? Nothing pairs with a fancy cup of Messpresso in the morning quite like a fresh Reverb speaker. And that’s something everybody can agree on, even if tensions between former customers of Gnaw’s and Cop & GOP have occasionally reached a head as the parties have come into contact for the first time in decades.
The best part is, the less actual food that’s available at the farmer’s market, the less people are eating. Everyone’s finally getting those bikini bodies they’ve been talking about since January. Gnaw’s and Cop & GOP can’t stem the tide of customers converting from their stores to buy groceries instead at the open-air market on the Common.
“We’ve marked down prices, given food away for free, and even paid our once-loyal customers to take it off our hands before it spoils,” a Gnaw’s spokesperson told the Paroder. “So far, we just keep seeing the same guy come back to take another load away in his iHaul truck.”
That guy, Town Glutton Nom Chompsky, has allegedly been storing these mass quantities of food at the divided lower elementary school, one side of which has been an ice castle ever since last fall when it was transformed by the girls of Princess Elsa’s School For Turning Superheroes Into Snowflakes.
Chompsky claims he’s making preparations for an “alien invasion,” but we know he’s just a pig, and that’s okay with us. We love you, Nom Chompsky. You do you.
HELP WANTED: Looking to hire an entrepreneurial youth to pick up my trash. I eat, like, pretty much constantly, and GREG is always on my case about the stupid Mooncheddar coffee cups I leave in my wake. I’ll give you all the free coffee you want if you can get those guys off my back.
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ISO notebook paper; #2 pencils; highlighters in yellow, pink, and blue; 54 copies of “The Stranger” by Albert Camus; pirated copies of the AP exams (for our prestigious juniors and seniors looking ahead to college in the coming years); and 714 Choco Tacos to keep up the spirits of the hardworking and selfless citizens of the Fenclave.