Fauxhasset Paroder, 46th Edition: Say hi to your mom

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

The Futuristical Society has announced their capital campaign to purchase the historic Peachhood Congregational Church, which shuttered when Christianity went out of business in the latter 1990s.

Delorean going back to the future

Travel back in time to witness your own birth! This and other great prizes will be up for auction at the Futuristical Society’s June 9 fundraiser. Photo credit

The society plans to convert the fellowship hall and sanctuary into computer workstations and the bell tower into a space observatory with a high-power telescope. Beneath the steeple, there will be room for future construction of a space shuttle.

“This church has always been ahead of its time,” said Futuristical Society Director Zed Harbinger. “It was founded, funded, constructed, and entirely run by women in a time when women in church leadership was unheard-of. We believe the next step for this visionary venue should be just as bold.”

“But we don’t want to offend anyone who still thinks religion is the answer,” Harbinger added. “And we know people care a lot about this church. Maybe they grew up in it or got married there. That’s why we’re keeping this place’s eyes on the heavens by retrofitting it as a space observatory.”

Harbinger said that the former church will still conduct wedding ceremonies if any scientifically-minded couples wish to tie the knot in the shadow of the shuttle.

The society’s first fundraiser will be a silent auction on June 9. Up for grabs will be a starter telescope, an exotic week-long cruise stopping at various points throughout the asteroid belt, a star named after you, the future space center named after you, and a trip back in time to witness your own birth.

For more information, simply close your eyes and wish; the Futuristical Society can read your mind.

Advertisements

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Teens’ noses clean

Dear Editor,

Although we are no longer legal citizens of the Town of Fauxhasset, having seceded from the United States of America under the presidency of Jimmy Garoppolo on January 20, 2017, the students of the Fenclave felt that we must make our voices heard on an important matter that concerns both your town and our independent nation-state. We hope you will accept our correspondence.

A letter to the editor in last week’s edition of the Paroder (“Demons? Aliens? No, just teenagers”) was extremely accusatory toward the youth of Fauxhasset. “A Concerned Citizen” blamed us for the vandalism appearing on various private properties throughout your town. Nothing could be further from the truth.

teenangel

Our students are angels, every last one. Photo credit

We may have chosen to follow a different path from the rest of Fauxhasset and America, but that doesn’t mean we have any less love and respect for the community where we grew up. We owe everything to you – our parents, neighbors, grocers, exorcists, and astral realignment therapists. We would not be who we are today without you.

And just who exactly are we, you might ask? We’re still figuring that out. And believe us, it’s a full-time job. We’re still writing our constitution, deciding how to set up our government, and building a basic economy, all while providing essential health, sanitary, and quality-of-life services. Everyone is pitching in. Everyone has a job to do. We don’t have time for petty crime.

Shannon Blackstone, self-appointed Speaker of the House, would like to add: “We didn’t paint on your stupid condos, okay? Who even is Lame Jane, anyway, and if she’s so lame, why would we be hanging out with her? This is total fake news.”

If one of our number did somehow manage to make a side hustle of juvenile delinquency, rest assured that our government, fledgling though it might be, would be deporting them back to their country of origin ASAP. It’s not that we wish their poor behavior on you. It’s just that we don’t have a justice system yet. Or a jail.

In conclusion, we would appreciate if the elder generations in town would not ascribe blame to us just because we are young, listen to different music, and use our “cordless telephones” as flashlights.

Instead, please consider partnering with some of our students. We have an eighth-grader who’s already studying forensics and has even written some of her own software. Two of our sophomores – twins – have a profound psychic sensitivity and may be of use to your investigation. The school resource officer has begun training a small police force, which is at your disposal, should you wish to work with us rather than against us in this matter.

Thank you for your time. Sincerely,

Zane Harris
Fenclave Vice President

Fauxhasset Paroder, 45th Edition: Rare raptor makes millisecond appearance

by Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Voters at the Semiannual Spring Séance left the Monday night meeting in a cloud of confusion: rather than wrapping up in minutes or dragging on for days, like most public meetings in Fauxhasset, the séance lasted three and a half hours – precisely the length of time that a good séance should last.

“The spirits of the forefathers were smiling on us today,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager by way of explanation. “We got through the articles expeditiously, and managed to have some really positive conversations in the process. It was demigodocracy at its finest.”

f23c2a41445e4c1119d341a14a8cda58b3a27ac8a73a0697f29fbbb28eb2ebdb

Not like you need one, buddy. Photo credit

 

Our broadcast technician, Miike “Jax” Jackson, had a different explanation.

“Ghosts, demigods – does anyone really believe that crap? This was science, pure and simple,” said Jax. “If you play back our hologram footage in slow motion, you’ll see that a timeraptor passed through the gym at 7:33 and 33 seconds. After that, everything started moving at exactly the right speed.”

A timeraptor, according to the Local Animal Whisperer, is one of the three biological sexes of raptor, the others being the traditional velociraptor and the lesser-known spaceraptor (referred to in some circles as the “distanceraptor”).

Little is known about the reproductive habits of raptors. What scientists do know is that, whenever you place one over another, it always equals the third.

It is suspected that timeraptors actually eat time as part of their diet and that they lay their eggs in the remote corners of the darknet, feeding their young with scraps scavenged from YouTube, Facebook, and other time-sucking platforms.

It’s difficult to say how rare timeraptors actually are, since they are all but impossible to detect even when moving relatively slowly – which, for them, is around the speed of infrared light. At full throttle, a timeraptor can easily exceed the speed of light.

“The real miracle here wasn’t that the forefathers gave the meeting their blessing,” said Jax. “It’s that we were able to capture this rare and mysterious creature on holo-film for the first time ever. Before, science had no way to study the timeraptor in its natural habitat. This is a game-changer.”

“Nah,” said the Local Animal Whisperer. “The real real miracle is that the raptor didn’t eat anyone. My concern is this: where there’s a timeraptor, there’s bound to be a velociraptor and a spaceraptor, too. I’m not looking forward to the day we find either of those.”