We are GREG (the Green and Renewable Energy Group, for the ignorant many complaining about, yet still using, the Moonchedder Easter cups).
Last week your paper ran a story about the Fauxhasset black hole: You know, that mysterious rift in space and possibly time that seems to be a perfect dumping ground and trans-galactic boutique.
To you residents of Fauxhasset using the black hole to throw away your trash, we are telling you to stop now. You are damaging and polluting the universe with your frivolous use of this mighty astronomical occurrence. You cannot see where your trash is going, so how do you know it is not irrevocably harming some poor space whale’s habitat?
There has to be something on the other side of the black hole. Objects are coming back through the rift, after all. We watched as town glutton Nom Chompsky sent through 42 perfectly recyclable paper Moonchedder cups into the rift (that’s right Nom Chompsky, we are aware of how much Moonchedder coffee you drink daily) and received a moderately used 1997 Ford pickup truck. Those cups could have been used to feed tens of thousands of colonies of fungus!
We at GREG are demanding the town hire a consultant to study the black hole and determine where our disposables are going and if it poses any ecological threat to Fauxhasset or the greater universe.
P.S. Please run this in the online edition of the paper only so as not to use more unnecessary resources.