By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
The town is in an uproar over Mooncheddar’s new spring coffee cups.
Customers leaving the drive-through Friday morning found that their coffee had been handed to them in an unadorned, pastel yellow, green, or turquoise cup instead of the usual white cup emblazoned with Mooncheddar’s iconic green logo, which features a Pegasus flying to the moon.
The Paroder caught up with some dissatisfied customers who had gone to the trouble of parking their cars and storming into the café to demand an exchange.
“Look at this cup! Do you see any bunnies on this cup?” said one customer, whose fingernails had been manicured to look like Easter eggs. “The Easter cups always have pictures of bunnies and flowers and little baby chicks hatching out of eggs. Mooncheddar is clearly waging war on Easter.”
Other customers agreed with her.
“It’s this ‘political correctness’ bullsh—t that’s taken over the country,” said a grizzly, bearded old man. “Can’t even wish somebody a happy Easter without the PC police coming to call. These damn millennials and their safe spaces.”
Deacon Mooney of the last remaining Christian church in Fauxhasset was found weeping softly in the corner as he prayed the rosary.
“I don’t have a problem with them getting rid of the bunnies,” said Mooney. “All that stuff is just a pagan distraction from the true meaning of Easter.”
“But if they wanted to make a point,” said Mooney, “they should have depicted Christ on the cross, his tears mingling with blood from the wound in his side. Two thieves, nailed to crosses on either side of him. Or Christ emerging from the grave, holes still in his hands, but radiant and victorious as his followers weep and fall to their knees in worship. Now that’s messaging.”
Nom Chompsky, town glutton, could be seen at the next table, collecting everyone’s rejected coffees and chugging his way through the ever-growing collection of pastel cups.
“This is my 19th free coffee today,” Chompsky declared. “I don’t care what color cup it’s in; I’m just thankful the Lord has chosen to bless me with caffeine for another day.”