Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Demons? Aliens? No, just teenagers.

Dear Editor,

As strange symbols continue to proliferate across town, the Fauxhasset Paroder has been treating these incidents like a particularly mystifying chapter of The Hardy Boys. This must stop. You are only encouraging them.

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So threatening! Poor Mr. Henry shouldn’t have to clean up this mess. Photo credit

Since 1952, my husband and I— well, truth be told, my husband is no longer with us, so it is just “I” now, but regardless… for all those intervening years, I have lived across from what is now the Lame Jane development, and I can assure you that the “otherworldly diagram” painted in the basement was the work of hooligans and juvenile delinquents.

Before Mr. Henry purchased the property, my husband (who served in the Great War as well as the Fauxston Police Department – he had very keen blue eyes, broad shoulders, a good, sturdy handshake, and a nose for when something wasn’t right, which is how he came to bring this matter to my attention) – he and I used to see teenagers trespassing in the condemned house on that lot at least once a month. I guarantee that the images in Mr. Henry’s basement and in the cave on Mr. Donne’s island were created by the same.

The troubled youths used to spend hours in the crumbling house, probably drinking cheap vodka and smoking that Mary Jane when they should have been home helping their mothers with the dishes. To create such upsetting and occult imagery on someone else’s property certainly must have required the influence of very serious substances – perhaps even, as my husband (a God-fearing man) used to say, “Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n’ roll.”

We had reason to believe these hoodlums were engaged in all three. They thought we couldn’t see them, lighting the way with only the pale blue glow of their cordless telephone screens, but we saw everything: the strange shadows, the flickering lights, the silhouettes of flailing limbs, all to the screeching and pounding of that electronic noise that kids these days are calling “music.”

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Should’ve been home studying. Photo credit

Now that their old hideaway’s gone, is it any wonder these reprobates sought out – and evidently found – other dark corners from whence to practice their heathenry? It hardly matters to them whether they trash Mr. Henry’s good name, or anyone else’s, in the process.

It’s not right, and something ought to be done about it. Mr. Henry is such a nice man who is trying to do great and noble things for our humble village district. Rather than blaming gods, demons, or aliens for this vandalism, I urge the Fauxhasset Police (and perhaps a few local parents, as well!) to look a little closer to home for the culprits and to furnish the emotional and psychological help that these children so clearly need, before it is too late.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen

Fauxhasset Paroder Op-Ed: Black hole not so green

Dear Editor,

We are GREG (the Green and Renewable Energy Group, for the ignorant many complaining about, yet still using, the Moonchedder Easter cups).

Last week your paper ran a story about the Fauxhasset black hole: You know, that mysterious rift in space and possibly time that seems to be a perfect dumping ground and trans-galactic boutique.

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How do you know your carelessness isn’t cluttering up this majestic creature’s front lawn? Photo credit

To you residents of Fauxhasset using the black hole to throw away your trash, we are telling you to stop now. You are damaging and polluting the universe with your frivolous use of this mighty astronomical occurrence. You cannot see where your trash is going, so how do you know it is not irrevocably harming some poor space whale’s habitat?

There has to be something on the other side of the black hole. Objects are coming back through the rift, after all. We watched as town glutton Nom Chompsky sent through 42 perfectly recyclable paper Moonchedder cups into the rift (that’s right Nom Chompsky, we are aware of how much Moonchedder coffee you drink daily) and received a moderately used 1997 Ford pickup truck. Those cups could have been used to feed tens of thousands of colonies of fungus!

We at GREG are demanding the town hire a consultant to study the black hole and determine where our disposables are going and if it poses any ecological threat to Fauxhasset or the greater universe.

GREG

P.S. Please run this in the online edition of the paper only so as not to use more unnecessary resources.

Fauxhasset Paroder, 44th Edition: Sticky symbolism

By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter

Paranormal consultant Buster DeGost has made another troubling discovery, this time at Fame Island. The former ghostbuster climbed to the Space Mountain tunnel where Punxsutawney Phil was found trapped last week and discovered more strange symbols painted on the floor of the cave.

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Nothing bad could possibly come of this, right? …..right? Photo credit

The complex diagram is painted in gleaming red, which looks fresh yet is dry to the touch. It depicts an eight-pointed star intersecting some sort of astrological calendar. Both are bisected by straight lines, which come together to form an acute angle pointing north-northeast.

“It’s the same diagram we found at 8 Lame Jane’s,” said DeGost. “And the same damn red paint – or blood, still don’t know which – but either way, it doesn’t respond to turpentine or any other paint removal agent on the market. And chipping away the actual stone doesn’t do anything either.”

To prove it, DeGost chiseled out a bit of the painted stone and held it up to the light. The stone now appeared gray, like the walls of the cave. The red marks remained unblemished on the floor.

“I’m still not convinced these markings have a demonic origin,” said DeGost, “but there’s definitely something otherworldly behind them. I would advise the public to leave investigations to the professionals. Ah… professional, that is. Guess it’s just me now, isn’t it?”

DeGost was originally retained by the Town to study the impossible dimensions of the Lame Jane townhomes after officials discovered the units were larger inside than out. After being fired by his firm for “wild speculations” (and dissing the company Christmas party), DeGost stayed on to conduct his own private investigation.

The Paroder caught up with JJ Henry, 8 Lame Jane developer, and Ord Girdlehyde, owner of Pacifica, Ye Olde Pepper Mill, the Mad Elephant Hotel, and basically the entire harbor (he’s kind of a big deal) to see if they’d noticed anything when they discovered Phil in the cave on Easter morning.

“It was too bright,” Henry recalled. “Phil was glowing – we were a bit blinded. And, frankly, we were just happy that winter would finally be ending now that we’d found him. It was really bad for Ord’s business, and we couldn’t make any headway with construction under all those thousands of inches of snow.”

“Perhaps you should ask Phil,” suggested Girdlehyde. “He was in there for a long time. Perhaps he made the markings, or knows where they came from. He is, after all, a god.”