By Thamanda Crompson
Fauxhasset Paroder Staff Reporter
It’s been four weeks since the dredging team opened up a black hole in the harbor, and the shallows have completely drained following a 10-foot drop in sea level.
While the anomaly should have no further impact on global sea levels, the constant suck of the black hole has created a perpetual space-time tornado above the site, posing a serious threat to nearby residents and businesses.
“Threat?” shouted one abutter over the roar of the wind. “This tornado is the best thing that’s ever happened to the harbor. The constant partying over at the Mad Elephant Hotel was driving us crazy, but I can’t hear it at all anymore. I’m getting the best sleep I’ve had since moving to Fauxhasset!”
“Threat?” said another neighbor in a 40-inch rant on the community Facebook page. “The greatest threat to the harbor was Ord Girdlehyde buying up all the businesses last summer. That guy is a human tornado. No act of nature, either natural or supernatural, could possibly damage the harbor business district more than he has. By comparison, this actual, literal tornado can hardly be called a threat.”
“Threat?” said hotel owner Ord Girdlehyde by phone from his winter home on the African savannah. “We are not worried about it. My staff will ensure that no harm comes to any of our guests – human, coyote, or otherwise. Our transient as well as our permanent residents can rest assured. Management is keeping a very close eye on the situation.”
Management had, in fact, served its resignation notice the day the black hole opened, and the manager in question just finished working his final shift. He was last seen throwing down a dish towel, declaring the whole town insane, and peeling out of the satellite parking lot, which (contrary to popular opinion) is reserved for employees and not for visiting spacecraft.
Town officials are just trying to make the best of the situation. In light of the curse laid upon Fauxhasset last week, damning the community to endless winter until one and all repent to Our Groundhog Lord and Savior RALPH, this tornado is the least of everyone’s worries.
The Green and Renewable Energy Group (GREG) is working to harness the wind to generate electricity for the community.
“It seems inevitable that this never-ending blizzard will eventually take out all our power wires,” said GREG, “and National Grid has already refused to make any more repairs until we get the snow situation under control. Said it’s like dumping money into a black hole.”
“Of course, it’s completely different, and we invited them to come throw some cash into our black hole for comparison – ‘For science,’ we told them. But they just hung up on us.”
If you are without power, use the hashtag #Charybdisgate on social media or send a carrier squirrel to the Panic Brigade. They will happily help you dig out, spoon for warmth, or forage for food just as soon as they stop hyperventilating in the corner.
“This is what I love about Fauxhasset,” said Town Manager Mown Tanager. “They’re troopers, always ready to make the most of a bad situation.”